


B E S T  F R I E N D S

by erikonic



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst and Feels, Don't hate Bobbhyung, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, References to Depression, Smut, Unrequited Love, and don't hate Juneyah, bobbin, doubleb - Freeform, junbin, well you can hate whoever you want
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-14
Updated: 2019-12-27
Packaged: 2020-01-13 01:57:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 64,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18459089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/erikonic/pseuds/erikonic
Summary: Soju, whisky and a couple of broken hearts... What harm can they do?





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> -English is not my native language  
> -Grammar is not perfect and chapters are not correct for now (when they are I'll post here a note)

B E S T  F R I E N D S

 

One

 

 

_In where he loves somebody who loves someone else_

 

Hanbin was organizing the songs for the new album, his eyes with a determined look, although already had the title track, he kept pushing for change. The boys were behind him, Jinhwan almost at his side, suggesting things, Donghyuk and Chanwoo muttering to each other, Junhoe was seriously pretending to pay attention, while Yunhyeong was really doing it, he was immersed in what Hanbin was fixing on the board. Bobby, on the other hand, was sitting at the end of the room with his girlfriend on his lap, trying to laugh low. It wasn’t the first time she was with them in a practice or meeting, but, to be honest, Hanbin was tired of having to see her. Hanuel was a nice girl, very beautiful and with a great sense of humor, which made Hanbin hate her more for not being able to hate her. But he didn’t hate anyone, no matter how many horrible things they did to him.

In his hand, Hanbin held the label of _Best_ _Friend,_ song he had written the first time Bobby had came with the _good_ news that his love was requite, several years ago. At that time Hanuel hadn’t been the lucky one to cause Bobby's happiness and sadness, but no matter who was rapper's girlfriend, Hanbin kept feeling that song would continue to represent his heart for many years to come.

Being in love with your best friend is the worst thing in the world, being in love with your straight best friend is the most horrible thing in the universe.

Hanbin finally put the label on, listened to the loud laugh that Bobby couldn’t kept and released a sigh of frustration that he didn’t expect sounded so loud.

“Sorry, B.I.!” The rapper apologized from his place, getting a quiet reprimand from his girlfriend.

Hanbin went through that word, letter by letter: _B E S T  F R I E N D_.

No, what a big lie, in fact, that song couldn’t represent him anymore, now or ever, because since a long time he and Bobby had stopped being best friends.

Feeling the emptiness hit his chest, he left the room without saying anything to anybody, wanting not to hear the "we told you to behave" that Jinhwan and Hanuel threw Bobby, but getting angry anyway because the girl had the audacity to scolding his hyung when she didn’t even have something to do there. _Where was the professionalism, Bobby hyung nim?_

    Walking through the corridors of the company, he couldn’t help but think about the time when things were easier, at the time when his relationship with Bobby was so natural that his smile occupied his face most of the time, and not that distant and rotten look in bitter sadness. But Hanbin had to make a decision, he had to choose. He didn’t want to be the one who was left, he didn’t want to be the one who stayed until the last one with the hope that he would return, he didn’t want to trample his heart anymore.

The past was the past and he could never revive it in present; the trainer’s days, the wakefulness nights together making music, rehearsals, lunches, sneaking out, all was lost when the debut came and people noticed them more and suddenly Bobby seemed uncomfortable with his closeness; the girlfriends appeared, then came MOBB, then the solo at which he wasn’t invited to make even an appearance, from which he didn’t listen to a single song until it was released... He couldn’t with anything else and wouldn’t accept any reproach from anyone for not pull more, for surrendering so easy.

If he thought about it, it seemed as if he had been abandoned from the beginning, but Hanbin still believed that he hadn’t, it had been his decision to withdraw. A decision that he regretted during nights, but that he would do again and again if he were allowed to go back in time.

   His eyelids closed a little more, something that happened to him whenever he was sad (most of the time). He couldn’t understand why his heart kept hurting just like the first day Bobby confessed he was in love with someone. That had happened five years ago! But not a single day, since that time, had managed to breathe again normally. Maybe now it hurt more, maybe because Hanuel didn’t seem like Bobby's other girlfriends, with whom he lasted a couple of months and then _thank you, it was nice to meet you_.

Bobby and Hanuel had been dating for one year, exactly the day before they had had their anniversary, so today they were all lovey-dovey. Seeing how in love was the rapper with his small and fragile girlfriend made him feel miserable. Miserable for feeling this way when he should be happy for his friend, miserable for not ceasing to mourn something that never was and for which he was never destined, miserable for wanting to disappear as stardust and never suffer for anything else.

He put a hand on his chest, rubbing the place where his heart was beating slower and slower. _One day I will die of sorrow,_ he thought, not wanting his eyes becoming more distressed. Sometimes, at times like that, he wished he had never entered YG, lived a normal life and never met Bobby. Of course, he would have fallen in love with someone else, and of course they would have broken his heart because inside or outside the company he would never find someone to love him, but even so, anyone who broke his heart would be fine because no one could ever cause him the same harm, no pain would be compared to the one he felt for not being loved by Bobby.

“Hey, Hanbinnie.”

He walked a few more steps before stopping next to the vending machine, what he least wanted was to see his friends at that time, more to Jaewon, who knew him as well as the palm of his hand.

“Hey, Jaewonnie” he tried to smiled.

Jaewon raised his eyebrows and shook his head, just as Hanbin expected him to do.

“Did she come again?”

Hanbin nodded, picked two drinks and bent down to take them, giving one to Jaewon. The older patted his head and tried to comfort him with a half-smile.

“You should tell him...”

Hanbin moved his hand, cutting off his words, he knew exactly what Jaewon was going to suggest, but Hanbin could never ask Bobby to stop inviting his girlfriend. As much as he hated to see them together, he'd hate to see Bobby angry with him, sad for not being able to spend time with Hanuel; his schedules were too tight to do that to him.

Jaewon didn’t insist, he smiled again and seemed to remember something.

“Yoon and I gonna out today, why don’t you come with us?”

“Do you think I want to be a third wheel? Further, what makes you think I want to see you all in mellow with your girlfriend?”

Jaewon rolled his eyes.

“You could get your own girlfriend or boyfriend, whatever you want, and start forgetting about...”

Hanbin hit him with his drink before he continued.

“If there could be someone else, I would have already done it.”

They couldn’t continue talking because someone from the staff went to look for him.

 

***

BOBBY: Sometimes I think he really hates me... 😐

 

DONG: Mmm

Maybe he wouldn’t if you behaved

🤷🏼♂️

BOBBY: …

So ya think he hate me too?

okie

 

DONG:🙄

Yah y know what I say Bobby hyubg

Hyung*

stop bringing Hanuel

BOBBY: WHAT?

No

 We never have time to see each other

 we go to Japan in a few days,

do ya think I want her to feel abandoned?

 

DONG: Then don’t whine when you make Hanbin hyung mad

🙄

 

BOBBY:🙄

He gets angry ‘cause he wants

 

DONG: Mmm yeah I remember we are talking about our possible cb

anything that matters a lot🙄

 

BOBBY: Hate you 

***

 

Back in the dormitories, Hanbin went to his room without looking at his group. Before, when they were younger and life seemed simpler and easier and their dreams were so close, he loved spend all his time with the boys, laughing at stupid jokes and talking nonsense.

He missed those days, but now he was tired of everything, he often wondered how he hadn't been broken, what made him breathe every day, what made him not fall into complete darkness at nightfall. iKON, iKONICS, he loved them very much, but sometimes that love didn’t seem enough, sometimes, it was all he needed.

He kept making music for the simple fact that he loved to do it, his bond with music, with writing, composing and producing, was the most real and sincere relation he had; one in where there was no need to lie, to give fake smiles, to hold his tears; one in where he could pour his whole feelings, being emptied and filled; something impossible to do with the first two for fear to worrying or disliking.

He sat on the edge of his bed, his torso naked because he had always slept better without clothes, a small and simple way to feel free, one of the only ones, in fact. He stroked Hanbyul’s little face in the photograph that always was on top of his desk, smiling shortly. He turned off the lights and went under the quilt, thinking about how his life would have been far from all that chaos, from all that confinement, from all those rules and impositions. He imagined himself spending more time with his family, watching his little sister grow up, making friends, going to college...

Why did that also seem empty?

One more exhale and he forced his mind to shut off.

 

     As always, he couldn’t sleep enough. The nights to him were his best moment, where the inspiration hit him hard till the point of working until dawn even if his eyes shouted for a rest.

It was ten o'clock when he left the bedroom. There was no day in which he didn’t attend his studio, there was no day when there wasn’t something to write, a story to tell through a song, some arrangement to make to some melody that still didn’t reach its perfection.

He pressed the lift button and went up, happy because it was empty. A minute later the doors opened, disclosing a loving couple in front of his eyes. Bobby moved a little away from Hanuel, the girl’s face went red, apparently, she hadn’t thought someone could catch them in the middle of their make out session.

Maybe if Hanbin’s heart hadn’t been broken hundreds of times before, the sound it did in that time had been so loud that neither Bobby or his girlfriend had been able to pass it unnoticed, but his heart falling apart was so normal that even for him the sound was vague.

Keeping a disinterest face, Hanbin moved to give them space. Hanuel inclined his head a little, greeting him, but he pretended not to see her. He heard murmurs behind him and ignored this "you should say hello" and that "no, he should do it".

He turned up the music’s volume he was listen through his headphones and imagined he was far away, on a high mountain with the purest air and the tallest trees. He imagined he was almost at the peak, almost touching the sky. He imagined he wasn’t him, this wasn’t his life and that wasn’t his pain. He closed his eyes in a blink that lasted all the way. When the elevator opened its doors he left to the lobby without looking back.

A firm hand held him by the elbow. Hanbin didn’t want to turn and confront that look, however, he couldn’t just run away without saying anything. He turned to meet Bobby's beautiful face. His agitated heart almost made him lose concentration, but thanks to some divine power he was able to keep the stoicism in his gesture.

Long ago, he could have read Bobby's look and know what his hyung thought without the need to say a single word, now... now everything was different, he had become blind to that intimate language. Bobby's small, beautiful eyes didn’t convey anything to him, nothing that Hanbin should understand. The tense jaw might have wanted to indicate something to him, but again, he was no longer himself, he no longer understood, he no longer imagined things.

“Hey” Bobby said, looking into his eyes. Hanuel was almost a meter and a half behind.

Hanbin nodded as a reply, for a second he though maybe he should smile, even if it was one of his funny fake grin, but he wasn’t in the mood to pretend —more.

He was going to turn around, undoing Bobby's grip so he could leave once and for all, but the older didn’t let him.

“Isn’t it too late for you to go out?

He might not understood Bobby's body language anymore, but he was sure he had heard a note of concern in his voice.

“It's quite early, hyung, see you... then.”

Hanbin hoped this ‘ _then’_ would be a day very, very far away. A couple of weeks at least, he wanted time to recover a bit from the image that he had had to see recently and that now would be burned into his mind, along with all those other scenes with he liked to torture himself, because apparently he was a stupid masochist who fed on his own pain and bathed in the blood of the wounds he inflicted himself.

“Hey” Bobby stopped him again, “Hanbinah, are you okay?”

 _‘Hanbinah’_ , shit. How long ago he didn’t calling him this way? His legs might have shaken a little, but maybe he wanted to believe that it wasn’t like that.

He nodded without saying anything, because maybe Bobby still had the ability to knowing when he was lying.

Hanbin grin and went to the sliding doors. The dark night devoured him and he flee away. As always, not for time enough.

 

 

 

***

BOBBY: I

I don’t get it

DONG: what?

BOBBY: what I did?

DONG: EH?

BOBBY: Hanbin.

 Whut I did? What I did to him?

Sometimes I want to hit it

Sometimes I just want him

 to talk to me

He used to be always

by my side

I don’t get it

DONG:...

You're not the only one hyung

I don’t understand him either

I also want the happy

Hanbin hyung

He worries me a lot

Sometimes I don’t see him

smile in a whole week😔

BOBBY: I don’t know why

he became like that

DONG: Being the leader is hard hyung

he has a lot of pressure on him

 more than all of us

BOBBY: I know

 but I would like him to trust

I would like him to share

that with us qe

 _With me_ * (in the text box*

 

***

 

He was sitting on the sofa of YG's recording studio, not his own. Everything was in perfect silence and Hanbin took advantage of those moments of calm to gather strength. All iKON used to be there in the first day of recording, listening to the guides and wanting to understand what was Hanbin wanted, then they used to separate in groups. Sometimes everyone was there when someone was in the vocal booth, sometimes they were just Hanbin, engineer of production and who had to do his part.

Hanbin was stare at the microphone on the other side of the glass window that separated the studio, his mind wandering to the first days when, excited and hungry, they saw the recording equipment from outside, wishing with immense eagerness to enter and sing their own songs. He smirked, feeling the grace of it all, of that fierce look full of conviction he had in the past, of the urgency not only to fulfill his dreams, but to make his friends fulfill theirs. Being a child, he couldn’t watch time pass with enough speed to grow up, believing that he would have more freedom, that he could pave his way more easily so that he could walk without worries. Now, as an adult, he couldn’t help but yearn for those past years, he couldn’t help saying himself: You should have enjoyed more.

The door opened, taking away his calm and his thoughts. Someone dropped by his side, but keeping a certain distance.

“How is the least favorite leader in the world?”

Hanbin let out a strange sound, as if suffocating a sad and sarcastic laugh.

“I suppose you were very good in your singing classes so right now you're making bad jokes, June.”

“Agh, like always you're not funny B.I.” younger rolled his eyes.

They were silent, a comfortable silence that Hanbin had begun to discover only a few months ago. It's not that he didn’t get along with Junhoe or that the moments alone with him had been bad before, but rather, in the past, the silences were only silences if it was any other member than Bobby. Now the comfortable silences were with Junhoe, the quiet silences with Jinhwan, the normal silences with Yunhyeong and Chanwoo, the uncomfortable silences with Donghyuk and the unpleasant silences with Bobby. The world changes in a blink of an eye.

After a few minutes Junhoe took out his cell phone and handed it to him, Hanbin took it without saying anything, the serious look focused on the poem that his dongsaeng had written. He liked that a lot, that Junhoe was also interested in poetry, that he welcomed it as his art and let his soul take solace in it. For Junhoe, poetry was what music for Hanbin: his home.

This poem was sad. Junhoe made many sad poems that reflected his loneliness, his anxiety, his broken heart, his wounded spirit.

Hanbin felt such personal lines, almost as if he had written them himself. They were the correct words in the perfect metaphor. He nodded and looked at the ceiling, looking for lights that would drive away itching tears that formed in his eyes. He put his thumb to his mouth, since he didn’t know when he had caught the mania to bite without tearing anything, not skin or nail, just biting. Junhoe slid on the couch until it was close to his side, took his hand from his mouth and held it in his.

“The spring will come again, B.I. Whether tomorrow or in ten years.”

Hanbin squeezed his hand, then laced his fingers together.

“There are places where winter is eternal, you know? The Poles don’t have spring, not like us.”

Junhoe let out a nervous laugh.

“But even there the sun comes out.”

This time Hanbin was the one who laughed, Junhoe followed him.

“Although it's in the North Pole, a little company can help, right?”

Hanbin looked at Junhoe, who was looking to where he had been staring before. He had always liked the profile of his dongsaeng, it was like a Greek sculpture, all full of well-carved angles, strong features; sometimes it was the perfect representation of his personality, but most of the time it was just the perfect armor for the lonely, dumb boy who lived inside.

Hanbin, as always, had no qualms in his skinship, lean his head on Junhoe's shoulder and stroked his palm with his thumb. Before, he didn't behave like that with Junhoe because the younger had always had that shameless, almost aggressive aura, which made people stay far enough, but now it was all different; even the younger used to visit him when he felt that too many days had passed without seeing each other.

This time things were different, Junhoe was usually left to do, if Hanbin took his hands, if Hanbin hugged him, if Hanbin dozed in his lap or lean on his shoulder, he just stood still, as if he was the favorite sofa of a cat; now he moved enough to lean his head on Hanbin and pulled them so their interlaced hands were rested comfortably on his thigh. Hanbin, puzzled, frowned just a second, because the position was so comfortable, he hadn’t felt so relaxed for a long time. The two closed their eyes, their breathing slower; none was asleep.

Not ten minutes passed when the door opened abruptly and a loud murmur —shrieks to their ears— took them out of their perfect little cloud of tranquility.

“We still don’t start and you're already taking a break” Jinhwan growled.

Junhoe opened his eyes just as Jinhwan hit them both, at him in the forehead and at Hanbin in the ear.

“Aish.”

“Hey!”

They said at the same time. Junhoe raised his head and moved away a little, Hanbin stopped leaning on him, but didn’t let go his hand.

“By the way, why didn’t you wait for me? You must waited for us, you made hyung bring you alone when we all came here, Juneyah.”

Junhoe shrugged.

“I didn’t want to deal with you.”

Jinhwan glared at him, opened his mouth to form a small O and hit the younger again, this time on the arm, repeatedly. Hanbin chortled at him, again moving his thumb over Junhoe's skin.

“Hyung, are we going to listen to the demo?” Chanwoo asked, sitting on the sofa beside him.

Yunhyeong stood beside Jinhwan with arms folded, Donghyuk and Bobby was on the other sofa, the latter as always paying no attention, his eyes fixed on the cell phone. _Is Hanuel more important than our_ _comeback?_

With reluctance he released Junhoe and took his place at the control table, the younger one followed him and leaned in his chair’s back, chin on his head.

“Hoe, weights.”

“Ookaaay.

He didn’t move an inch, Hanbin didn’t want to fight so he let him do it.

“I insist again with sajagnim, we will record the demo of _Sarangeul_ _Haetta._ I want this perfect, I want this song as our title track.”

“Are you sure, Hanbinah? Don’t you want it to be part of your solo?” Yunhyeong now stood at his side.

“Nah, I prefer singing it together and my solo still needs a lot arrangements, I'm still not ready.”

Junhoe bit his head without causing him pain, Hanbin complained anyway.

“What Hanbinnie wants, Hanbinnie gets” Bobby said. He and Donghyuk had gotten up to go to where the rest were. “Do you want me to write my part or use the one you already wrote?”

Hanbin thought it over a bit, he liked the way it was now, it seemed perfect, but he knew that Bobby could do a good job.

“Would you write something in which Jinani hyung records his part, Bobby ssi?”

Bobby frowned. Hanbin didn’t understand the gesture until Chanwoo and Yunhyeong started making fun of him.

“Would you Bobby ssi, he said.” Chanwoo laughed. “Now you’re in respectful mode, hyung?”

Hanbin understood that he had used formal language with the older. He ignored the comments and put the first demo he recorded of the song.

 

***

DONG: Hyung...

Hey

Dont be like that

BOBBY: I know I did something

But I don’t know what

DONG: Talk to him

BOBBY: NAH

I don’t care

 DONG: sure hyung sure 

😶

 

***

 

Han♥: Hey, hun , Donghyukie told me

you're in a bad mood,

can you answer?🤔💖

...

I suppose you’re very upset

Something happened?

Hanbin scolded you?

BOBBY: No.

Han♥: I suppose you don’t want

to talk now,

but can we can meet? I miss you😔

BOBBY: I'm sorry

I have to write some lyrics

Txt you when I get home

Han♥: OK, BUT I really miss you😔

SMILE YES?😘

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! This is my second fic/au ♥ I'm excited but maybe nobody will be read but if someone read it I want to grateful you for do it^^  
> This will be a long au with short chapters (2,5k to 4,5k words) (I haven't planned the number of).  
> I posted the chapters first in twitter (without smut) here is complete —but in the first ch. there isn't smut kkkk.  
> Oh, very important, for now the story isn't edit but Cheeky said she'll correct my grammar (sorry for be a bother again >.<')  
> Thank you again and don't forget stream our boys songs and mvs :D


	2. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks if you're reading my story, sorry for my bad grammar^^'

B E S T  F R I E N D S

 

Two

 

_In where a secret (not at all) is disclose and a soju drink makes the world turn_

 

It had been a difficult day, Hanbin, in general, was a perfectionist, but this time he had become much stricter. That song was _his_ song, he had written and composed it easily, he had had fun doing it even if the lyrics were sad. He wanted the world to listen to it and he wasn’t going to stop until they gave him the approval to be released this song and for that to happen things had to go as he had planned.

It was a song that representing a lot to him, both his relationship with the fans that left them when they saw them away, as well as his relationship with Jiwon. Of both of them had only good memories.

“Again,” he said morosely, pressing the microphone button to be heard inside the recording booth.

Junhoe rolled his eyes, but Hanbin didn’t change his gesture. His dongsaeng took some water and started again only to be cut immediately.

Before they started again, Bobby got in the studio.

“Hey, check this, Hanbin ssi.”

Hanbin glanced at the smiling face of Bobby, only by that gesture did he know that his hyung was very confident in what he had done.

He took the paper that Jiwon had given him, they both continued to write in notebooks, just like in their days as trainers.

He read each word carefully; he almost cried at how perfect the sentences were, how well Bobby had understood his song and had adjusted to it.

Before he had thought that there was no way to improve the song, neither in the lyrics nor in the melody nor in the tempos, but Bobby as always showed him the opposite because Bobby was like that, his only presence could bring and create perfection.

“Hyung, this is...! This is wonderful! Your lyrics are perfect, they are just what I wanted to say... It's great. This will be a success, hyung.”

Hanbin couldn’t help but smile hugely and look up at Bobby. The older smiled, pleased, and raised a hand, waiting for a congratulatory greeting. Hanbin hesitated for a second but forced himself to get up from where he was sitting, took Bobby's hand as he bent his body to bump his shoulder against the older's. His grip was soft, quite weak for what it used to be before, instead, Bobby squeezed his hand and with his free arm embraced him. Hanbin felt his heart beat faster.

“Don't worry, Hanbin, let's get this.”

Hanbin smiled at the words of his hyung, feeling surer of himself.

 

***

BOBBY’s NEW TWITTER ACC

 ItsBabi

@OrNah

I can’t ever have you, no no

You’re perfect and I’m garbage, u know

You don’t even drink

We have no way of getting close

But I keep looking at you

-BOBBY

Joined SEPTEMBER 2017

0 Following

0 Followers

 

ItsBabi

@OrNah

**He is happy**

07:17 P.M.· Sep 1, 2017 · Twitter for Android

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ItsBabi

@OrNah

**How long ago I didn’t see that smile**

07:18 P.M. Sep 1, 2017 · Twitter for Android

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ItsBabi

@OrNah

**Can everything be as before?**

07:19 P.M. Sep 1, 2017 · Twitter for Android

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ItsBabi

@OrNah

**What happened to us?**

07:20 P.M. Sep 1, 2017 · Twitter for Android

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ItsBabi

@OrNah

**No, it does not matter, he is happy now and that makes me happy**

07:20 P.M. Sep 1, 2017 · Twitter for Android

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ItsBabi

@OrNah

 **Maybe it was just a stage, maybe soon everything gonna** improves

07:21 P.M. Sep 1, 2017 · Twitter for Android

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***

01 SEP AT 07:19 PM

Han♥: Mmmm , what r u doing? 👀

Hey, I'm by your side and

you don’t answer

Cruel

Tomorrow I work but as I want

I came because I was worried

But it doesn’t matter

keep on your phone, idc

BOBBY: Hahaha dramatic

ILY

 

 ***

 

“You know? You're pretty obvious, Haaanbeeeaaan.”

Junhoe and Hanbin were eating instant ramen at the store near the company, they had just finished recording the younger's part.

“What are you talking about?”

Hanbin frowned at the younger's kind and sad smile, it was as if he felt sorry for him. He ran his tongue over his teeth, pressing the tip into his fang.

“You know what I'm saying: You, your sparkling and heart-broken eyes, Bobby hyung...”

Hanbin left the morsel of ramen halfway, his mouth open, his dark eyes fixed on Junhoe's gaze. He felt his face burn, but in any way he had the courage to feign ignorance.

“What? I don’t know what are you talking about.”

Junhoe rolled his eyes, making that boring gesture he always did when someone talked or did absurd things (according to him).

“You've been in love with him for years, B.I., and that's obvious to everyone, except for Bobby hyung... Although sometimes I think he knows it too and just pretends, you know, so as not to have to deal with that.”

Hanbin put back the ramen to the plate and dropped his chopsticks, he wasn’t willing to be humiliated by Junhoe.

“It's the same as Jinani hyung, they think that by pretending they solve everything,” the younger continued. “But that only hurts more, don’t you think?”

Frowning, Hanbin forced himself to remain seated in his place.

“Then, do you really... Jinan hyung...?”

When Junhoe nodded shortly, Hanbin relaxed and settled back into his chair.

The wind began to blow harder, bringing with it the feeling that autumn was just around the corner. Hanbin thought it was the perfect setting for two broken hearts.

“Do you want something more? I'm gonna for soju.” Junhoe had finished eating already.

Hanbin refused and remained alone for a few moments as he finished his own meal.

In his mind, images of Junhoe and Jinhwan reproduced one after the other. Junhoe sometimes could lift a barrier that kept the world from knowing what he was thinking or feeling, but sometimes, his feelings were too strong, too big, his eyes couldn’t contain them. Those looks to Jinhwan were sometimes full of love, sometimes full of questions, sometimes empty, as if disappointment had swept everything away, and now Hanbin confirmed why —before he had imagined what the root could be, but he hadn’t wanted to take nothing for granted.

He felt bad for Junhoe, he was the best to know the pain that the younger felt. Both were in the same situation, but perhaps Junhoe was in worse condition. Bobby wasn’t the only one who enjoyed a stable relationship, Jinhwan had been dating for almost two years with nothing more and nothing less than Koo Yejin, Junhoe's older sister.

Hanbin stopped eating and began only to move the remaining ramen from one side to the other on his plate.

Why did love have to be that way? Why not be born with someone predestined and never feel something for someone else? Or better, why not be born without the need to love and feel loved?

Junhoe put a hand his shoulder, he looked up and smiled at him with a grimace.

“Drink with me.”

Hanbin snorted at Junhoe’s tone, that had been more an order than a request, but he let it go.

“You know I don’t drink, June.”

“You're not gonna die for once, besides tomorrow is our day off before gonna Japan, even if you get a hangover you can spend all day lying in your bed, I'm sure you will not go to your home anyway.”

Hanbin brooded it for a minute, finally, let himself be convinced by his dongsaeng. Drinking didn’t seem such a bad idea that night.

 

   Hanbin preferred drink in his apartment rather than in Junhoe's. Thinking about finding Bobby or Bobby with Hanuel stirred his stomach more than thinking of getting drunk with the simple scent of alcohol. He also preferred not to meet Jinhwan, knowing that the older one would want to join them, and Hanbin wanted to give his dongsaeng a break. Also, since the next day they didn’t have any schedules, both Yunhyeong and Chanwoo had gone home and wouldn’t return until the next day so they could talk more freely.

Junhoe left the bags with bottles of soju and beer on the table and went back to the door.

“Where are you going?”

“Whiskey.”

Hanbin shook his head. For him, what the boy had brought was enough, but he wasn’t going to question or scold him, not today. He let him be and went to his room to change into more comfortable clothes, thinking he had to put aside his leader position, relaxing, support Junhoe.

He was surprised, he knew they had become closer, but tonight's confession was a huge step. Hanbin knew that Junhoe trusted him like nobody else. That made him feel happy as well as worried, he didn’t know if he was the right person to be the younger's confidant.

He got in the living room just as Junhoe was taking his place on the floor to sit at the night table, leaning against the sofa.

Hanbin raised his eyebrows.

“We just ate.”

Junhoe shrugged and opened the bag of chips.

“And? The big guys have to eat a lot.”

Hanbin laughed at him.

“Sure, and that's why you're all flaci...” He was silent halfway when he touched the arm of his dongsaeng and felt his muscles, he didn’t remember that was there. Then he touched his shoulder, nor he did remember Junhoe was so firm.

Junhoe smirked, confident and self-satisfied.

“Since when did you stop being a walking dough?”

The boy arched an eyebrow and pulled him away, Hanbin wanted to touch him again, but he held back, remembering that Junhoe tolerated his skinship but still had a limit.

“Jiu-jitsu, B.I.”

Hanbin rolled his eyes.

“I didn’t know that in such a short time you can build... so much muscle.”

“Maybe you should start training with me, the one that ends up being a dough will be you,” he said and put a hand to Hanbin's abdomen, squeezing it.

Hanbin felt ticklish and chuckled before beating Junhoe in the hand to shake him off. Junhoe smirk and left Hanbin to grab a bottle of soju and open it.

Hanbin got up to go for a couple of glasses.

For a while time, they were listening to music, talking about poetry and movies, about life, about what could be after it, about what could have happened before. Hanbin had poured himself a glass of beer, but he hadn’t even tried it; Junhoe had drunk two bottles of soju and three glasses of whiskey.

They fell in silent, one where each one travelled to their own thoughts, with their eyes focused on nothing. Hanbin began to wonder what Bobby was doing at that moment, would he be next to Hanuel laughing? Would they be watching an animated movie, cuddling on the couch in the apartment downstairs? Maybe they were in his hyung's room. The image of them kissing flashed in his mind. It was a painful flash.

He sighed discouraged. He was tired of feeling this way, of always being sad, of constantly wishing something impossible and then lamenting over everything, then hurting himself with the same thoughts and starting over again.

How did Junhoe manage to stay there like that? Even when they were deciding how they would split up to move out of the apartment, and Jinhwan told him that he should go with him to the one below, Junhoe didn’t hesitate for a second to follow him. Junhoe didn’t hesitate to go out with him, even though he knew he would talk about Yejin again and again. Is it that love was so absurd that it made people silly and masochistic?

“Why don’t you come back and live with us?”

“Why would I have to do it, B.I?”

Hanbin hit him with a finger on his forehead.

“Are you stupid? Why…?”

He kept silence and shook his head, wanting to stop the verbiage stuck in his throat for once; it was well known that Hanbin said things directly, he could seldom put a filter on.

Junhoe brought closer a soju glass to older’s mouth. Hanbin leaned back, but Junhoe insisted with a sly smile as if he was challenging him.

Hanbin opened his mouth and Junhoe tilted the glass, causing a little of the bitter and dry liquid to slide down the side of his mouth. Hanbin squeezed his eyes shut when he felt his throat burn, making a funny face. Junhoe laughed.

“Now, say it, B.I. Say everything you want to say. Come on, I want to hear from you.”

The younger filled his own glass of whiskey and took it all at once, it was obvious that he was already a little tipsy. Hanbin could see through that mask, notice the fatigue and loneliness making a dent in his soul. Junhoe looked so young and so old at the same time.

“How can you see him every day and hear him talk about the person he loves? How do you give him advice by looking him in the eye? How can you be by his side, be his support? Does not it hurt? To receive all those expressions of affection, those flirtatious looks that are nothing more than jokes, those ‘I love you’ that will never mean what you want them to mean, does not it hurt? June, you're more stupid than I thought.”

Halfway through his monologue, he had begun to drag the words, the world moving slowly, slowly. He hated his low resistance to alcohol and how it made him loosen his mouth in that way, even more, cruel than his sober self.

Junhoe went back to pouring himself whiskey again, and again, and again. From one glass to another his eyes turned red and Hanbin felt bad for having said what he says. He knew clearly that everything hurt, he didn’t have to be that cruel.

He felt the head between floating and pulling towards the ground. With clumsy movements he approached to his dongsaeng and hugged him by the side, placing his head on his shoulder, tighten the embrace as an apology.

Junhoe let out a nervous, hurt laugh, almost seemed to have sobbed. Then he emptied the glass that had just been served as he moved his free arm to grab Hanbin by the waist.

“We're family,” said the younger in a husky voice. “Not because he is dating my noona, it isn’t that. We are iKON, we are family.”

Hanbin felt his heart breaking when he heard the sadness in Junhoe's voice. He held him tighter, almost trembling. He thought they were similar, he and Junhoe, but the younger had shown him that there were still a thousand things that made them different.

Hanbin wanted to hold back his tears, but he couldn’t. Nor his sobs. With his head still spinning, he felt he saw the scene from outside his body, and he looked so small from a far. So small, sad and pathetic.

“I wish you were always happy,” he said, dragging the words more, almost babbling. I wish I could give you all the happiness you deserve”. He didn’t know if he only said that for his dongsaeng or for himself too.

Junhoe turned enough to hug him with both arms. The position seemed uncomfortable, without letting him go, he made Hanbin move and sit on his lap.

Hanbin felt that the world turned. He looked for something to hold on to, squeezing Junhoe's arms, then his shoulders and finally clasped his hands behind his neck, his head back to the firm shoulder of his dongsaeng.

Junhoe also let his head fall on his shoulder and Hanbin didn’t take long to feel warm tears drenching his clothes. He had already soaked Junhoe’s. He hadn’t cried in that way for centuries. He had said so many times that he was strong, unbreakable, that he ended up believing his own lie and now, that one last blow had united all the fissures and thrown away his wall, the pain seemed unbearable.

After what seemed like years, Junhoe raised his head, Hanbin felt he should do the same. Their eyes met, red and watery by the crying that had almost ceased. They were too close, their noses almost touching. Although his vision was somewhat cloudy and the world continued to make small and slow turns, Hanbin appreciated the younger's sharp features. He ran a hand down Junhoe's face, wiping the tear trail with his thumb.

Junhoe tilted his head and kissed him.

Hanbin trembled, thought about moving away, getting off the lap of his dongsaeng and telling him it was time to stop drinking. But his body had another idea of what he wanted. With trembling lips he held still in place, feeling the gentle pressure on them. He knew that it wasn’t only his first kiss, also Junhoe's.

Little by little they separated, Hanbin had his face red, Junhoe his ears.

He didn’t understand what was happening with his dongsaeng, nor with himself, but he kissed him back when he approached again. Now they not only pressed their lips, now they opened their mouths and moved with a bit of clumsiness, looking for an appropriate rhythm.

“Is this okay?” Junhoe asked moving away a little, just enough to talk.

Hanbin breathed heavily.

“I don’t think so. I don’t know.”

The younger's thick and wet lips touched his and they kept on doing it again and again. Inexperienced kisses became needy open mouth kisses. Junhoe bit Hanbin's lower lip and a moan escaped the older's throat.

It was a warning to both, something that marked a line that they had to decide whether to cross or not. They gazed at each other, searching for the answer in the other, not wanting either of them to bear the responsibility of what had happened and what might happen. In the end, Hanbin was the first to make a move, raised his chin a bit and closed his eyes, then Junhoe devoured his mouth.

The younger tightened his waist, Hanbin buried his fingers in his shoulders and neck. The need was getting bigger and more evident; his head felt lighter and lighter. Junhoe tasted like alcohol, but strangely it wasn’t a bitter or unpleasant taste, it was something sweet and addictive.

The inside of his body getting hotter; Junhoe’s skin was burning. With each movement Hanbin gasped more, he was trembling, needy and hungry. Usually, he was able to control his impulses, he tried not to masturbate often because he always ended up thinking about Jiwon and, when he finished, he felt guilty. But now he didn’t have to worry. _He is not Bobby hyung_ , he thought, almost laughing because that thought brought relief and pain.

He moved away a little from Junhoe, just to see him in the eye and make sure of something, he didn’t know what. He looked at him without blinking, let go of his waist to caress his cheek. Hanbin tilted his head, enjoying that subtle touch. He always wanted Bobby to look at him that way, to touch him that way. As if he wanted him.

He leaned forward with his eyes open, staring Junhoe while kissing him, not wanting to keep thinking about who should not.

Junhoe carefully lowered his hands, leaving the older's waist, running down and down even more. Hanbin gasped but didn’t push him away. He was doing something he would regret the next day, but in those moments the only thing that mattered was the heat of his body and the one that Junhoe gave him. _There is no tomorrow, Hanbin, live today._  

Junhoe squeezed his ass and Hanbin moaned loudly, a jolt of electricity running down his spine. He moved his hips, his crotch brushing against the other's. He felt his face burn when he realized how excited they were. Junhoe moved his mouth away from his lips to give him tender kisses on the cheek, then the jaw, then the neck, where he stopped, brushing the nose in his skin and then devour him with wet kisses that made him almost scream.

Hanbin buried a hand in Junhoe's silky hair, squeezing him hard against his skin. The world had stopped spinning, but his body burned more, crying out for the younger's touch.

“To-touch” He moaned. “Touch me!”

The younger’s fingers pressing desperately in his ass. In a movement Junhoe put him against the ground, positioning between his legs, pressing his hips against his. Hanbin bit his lip to keep from shouting _a_ name.

Junhoe put his hands under Hanbin’s shirt, caressing his abdomen, chest and nipples. Hanbin began to move his hips, desperate, Junhoe accompanied his movements with powerful thrusts that made the older moan louder.

“M-more.”

Junhoe took Hanbin’s shirt and threw it away. He kissed him on the mouth again, then down his neck until reached his nipples.

“Hanbin, you’re sensitive, so sensitive.”

Hanbin arched his back as he felt Junhoe's teeth on one of his nipples and yelled out when he sucked it hard.

“Please...” he whimpered, he wanted to come now.

Junhoe stopped to thrust, sat on his knees and took off his own shirt, revealing muscular torso and arms.

Hanbin stared him up and down, biting his lip. He really didn’t remember that his dongsaeng was so... fine. No, Junhoe wasn’t fine, Junhoe was fucking hot.

Junhoe smirked, also gazed Hanbin's body with a long look. The older's cheeks burned, the alcohol inhibited him a bit, but he was aware of how exposed he was. Before he could regret something, Junhoe unbuttoned Hanbin’s pants.

“Do you have... do you have lube?”

Hanbin felt lacking oxygen, he knew he shouldn’t continue, but at the same time, he felt his ass tighten in anticipation. The truth was that only a few times he had thought in _that_ , his fear had been bigger than his curiosity and now... Now he was just going to do it?

“No... but I know where Yunhyeong hyung keeps his.”

Junhoe swallowed hard, nodded and got up, going to where Hanbin had indicated, leaving him lying on the ground, trembling with anticipation.

Hanbin put a hand to his face, covering his eyes, felting the alcohol was no longer working on his system, that sanity was returning, but he didn’t want it to come back.

He sat down and took the bottle of whiskey that had been left near the sofa. He stared at it for another second before took a drink. He coughed hard when his throat burned, he was sure it hadn’t been an ounce, but he was always too weak for alcohol.

He felt Junhoe's lips on his neck and his chest pressed to his back. With one hand Junhoe turned Hanbin to kiss him in the mouth.

“Now you like whiskey?”

Hanbin shook his head.

“It's horrible, how can you drink that?”

Junhoe smiled, came over and with his tongue licked Hanbin's lower lip.

“In you taste sweet, like amaretto.”

Hanbin didn’t understand what he was talking about, but he didn’t have much time to think, Junhoe put him on the couch and climbed on top of him. He kissed Hanbin, pushing his tongue into his mouth. Hanbin groaned and lift his hip when he felt Junhoe's hands trying to take off his pants.

He felt that he reddened more from the face to the chest when realizing that the younger hadn’t only removed his pants, but also his boxers, leaving him completely naked.

Junhoe put a hand on his cock, squeezing it; Hanbin almost came. The younger stroked him a couple of times before pushing his hand away.

Hanbin looked away when he saw him open the lubricant and exhaled when he felt the cold liquid sliding between his ass. Junhoe seemed certain of what he was doing, but his hand was trembling.

Hanbin kissed the younger, wanted to relax and relax. Junhoe sighed, stroked Hanbin’s entrance gently, slowly getting more confidence until he inserted a finger inside.

Hanbin gasped then his breathing increased. Junhoe covered him with kisses, some soft, some passionate, and he began to move his finger. Hanbin was amazed at how thick it was. _And it's just his finger. I don’t think I can with his dick._

He was felt dizzy when Junhoe put in a second finger. It was painful, not as much as he imagined, but that wasn’t the problem; the problem was that he was beginning to feel very well, so much that his whimpers had become again moans more and needier and his nails every time were buried more in the younger's back, making him growl and sink more his own fingers inside Hanbin.

He felt Junhoe opening his fingers, stretching him further, something that seemed impossible. Although it was more impossible to feel a thick third finger inside.

“I cannot anymore” he moaned.

Junhoe kissed his chin, didn’t stop.

He pushed his fingers slowly and deeply, touching a spot he hadn’t touched before, a spot that made Hanbin tremble completely, arching his back and moaning almost in a scream as he moved his hips. Junhoe raised his head to look into his eyes, pushed slowly outward and kept only the tips of his fingers inside. He didn’t move. Hanbin whimpered, his hips moving, searching for the younger's fingers, but the latter held him with one hand, plunging him into the sofa so he wouldn’t get it.

“Please, Junhoe, please, I need it... I need you...”

Finally, Junhoe moved his fingers, pushing hard again and again, released Hanbin's waist and reached for his erection, tightening his tip. Hanbin felt that he lost his sanity, he felt so good, he couldn’t stop moaning and asking for more again and again, his eyes closed for that unknown pleasure.

“Fuck, Hanbin...”

Junhoe took his fingers out and with one thrust he buried in him. Hanbin gasped, Junhoe was too much, he felt he was going to break.

“I'm sorry, I'm sorry,” said the younger, kissing him lightly on the neck, stroking his erection.

Hanbin couldn’t prevent a few tears escape from his eyes. He was grateful that Junhoe stood still, that he caressed him that way, distracting him.

Little by little the pain was replaced by the pleasure of the caresses, his body stopped struggling against the size of Junhoe, relaxing, and his hips moved by themselves.

He raised his hands, stroking the younger's jaw and kissed him. Junhoe began to thrust, slowly, increasing the pace with every little groan that the older released.

When the tip of his cock hit that spot inside Hanbin, everything became rough, both losing the softness of their movements for the excessive pleasure that burning their bodies.

Hanbin lifted his legs and entangled them in Junhoe's waist, making the penetration deeper and more pleasurable. Junhoe kissed him fiercely, devouring so much of him that he felt he was going to be empty and that felt so good. There was nothing else in his head, just pleasure, need, lust. He felt free.

“More, stronger, aaghh, Juneee, strongeeer.”

The younger immediately complied with his request and seconds later his body trembled from within, the heat that had been born and grown in his abdomen exploding, throwing tongues of fire that devoured him completely and melted him like a piece of glass. His ass clenched, squeezing Junhoe’s member hard until it melted with him, filling him with his hot cum.

 

***

01 SEP AT 11:45 PM

DONG: you look in a better mood

Bobby: yep

He congratulated me

He liked my lyrics,no

He LOVED

very much

Maybe soon everything

can be as before

DONG: yaaas

I miss BOBBIN

BOBBY: 🙄

That is a ship

DONG: aja, and?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?

                        BOBBY: 🌊🌊

 

DONG: Idk what bothers you

We are shipped with all

Do you know now they shippin us

more to you and me than to BOBBIN?

BOBBIN IS DEAD

Now it's BOBDONG🤷🏼

BOBBY: 😐

BOBBIN isn’t dead

DONG: mmmm…


	3. 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! How are you?  
> Here is a new part of this story, what are you thinking about it? Bored? Flat? Ok?

B E S T  F R I E N D S

 

Three

 

_In where is time to say goodbye._

 

 

 

His head hurt.

His stomach hurt.

Actually, his whole body hurt.

He turned slowly, feeling cold and warm at the same time.

Agh, no, what hurt him most was the ass.

A hand slid down his abdomen, pulling him firmly, and a hoarse babble asked for five more minutes.

He stayed stiff. The images of what he had done last night rained inside his head. His face burned, especially as he felt something semi-hard near his aching ass.

“It cannot be...”

He felt chills all over his body and decided to stand up. Hanbin almost cried out in pain. He was slowly moving away from the couch, dragging his feet, when he heard a hoarse voice.

“Han... Hanbin? Oh, fuck...”

 _Exactly, June,_ _OH, FUCK!_

He didn’t say anything and went to the bathroom. While walking, he felt something trickling from his inside. He shuddered again as he felt it coming down his thighs. He swallowed hard, he had never thought about what happening with _that_ after... Apparently the law of «everything that comes in has to come out».

With watery eyes, he got into the shower and, holding his breath, pulled the remains of that night out of his body.

 

When he came out of the bathroom, with a towel wrapped around his hips, he saw Junhoe leaning against the opposite wall, his eyes full of consternation. Without saying anything, the boy approached him and took him by the waist. Hanbin, by inertia, threw himself to the side, immediately regretted his actions, as much for the pain as for the hurt look of Junhoe.

“Let me help you, B.I.”

Hanbin nodded.

Maybe it was for the fresh memories his skin had of what had happened the night before, but he felt his body shake at the touch of the other. His nipples stiffening made his face turn red. Junhoe said nothing, although it was obvious that he had noticed the reaction of Hanbin's body.

Junhoe led him to his room, helping him sit down slowly, putting on an expression of guilt when Hanbin complained when he touched the mattress.

“Clothes? A boxer?”

“Only a boxer.”

Junhoe nodded.

Hanbin had never felt so shy before, but the images kept coming back again and again, ever clearer, the sounds becoming louder. Junhoe was already dressed, but he remembered clearly how he looked without any clothes. Hanbin bit his lip. What they do last night had been the biggest mistake he had made.

“Hanbin, what do you think?”

He almost choked on his own saliva with that question. Junhoe patted him on the back, when he noticed Hanbin was better, he bent down and took one of the older's feet.

“Hey, hey, hey...”

Junhoe wanted to smile, but his nervousness won him over.

“I just want to help.”

He let him do it. Junhoe put underwear on him, then dried Hanbin's hair and asked him to lie down, telling him that he would go for some food and some pain pills after cleaning the living room.

Junhoe never cleaning, nor did he doing favors; Hanbin knew Junhoe felt very guilty. He felt the same. He knew that neither of them had been drunk enough to blame the alcohol for what had happened, it had been their decision, something consensual. Something they would carry with them for the rest of their lives.

Both had snatched all their first times: the first soft kiss and the first hungry kiss, the first fearful caresses and the first needy, the first time having sex, painful, and passionate and perfectly pleasant.

Hanbin felt a heat stroke in the abdomen and it was that sensation that made him afraid, because, although he knew that they had done wrong, that they had let themselves go with the current of pasion and need and that shouldn’t happen again, that he shouldn’t even remember it, it was something completely... new and amazing.

He had read about sex, he had seen porn videos, he had talked about it with Jaewon, his only experienced close friend (rather the only one with he could talk about), and he had imagined how good it could feel to do it. But that, what he had experienced the night before, was beyond the limits of his imagination and, to his bad luck, he knew that his body, no matter what pain he would suffer later, would be willing to repeat over and over again.

Hanbin buried his face in the pillow, ashamed of what he was feeling and thinking.

 _Did you realize that it's Junhoe?_ _You did it with Junhoe!_ He shook his head, he knew exactly with who had done it, because he had forced himself to look him in the eyes and undo the mental image of the person he would never be able to be with to look at the real one, to whom had been making him melt in pleasure and need.

 

Junhoe returned time later, already bathed and changed. Hanbin blushed when he noticed the small marks that the younger had on his neck, didn’t say anything, but it was obvious that Junhoe understood. He left the room once more, Hanbin paying attention to the noises. Minutes later, Junhoe returned with his neck madeup —probably he had took Yunhyeong’s makeup.

With his help, Hanbin sat down and ate. There was a heavy silence between the two, a silence that Hanbin hated because with Junhoe it was with whom he passed comfortable and pleasant silences and didn’t want to lose that. He didn’t want to lose him, to move away and there would be no random messages with poems or an annoying 'Did you read what I sent you? Why don’t you answer?'

Just at the moment he decided to speak, Yunhyeong opened the door.

“Wahh, why are you eating here?”

They both looked at each other, Junhoe looked away and back to concentrate on his food.

“B.I. has a hangover, yesterday he drank with me.”

Yunhyeong crossed his arms and rolled his eyes.

“Oh, really? If you don’t tell me I wouldn’t have noticed, it's not like there are a lot of bottles thrown around the living room.”

Hanbin gave Junhoe a murderous look, they were dead if Yunhyeong saw the lubricant ( _his_ lubricant), the clothes thrown away and the remains of...

“You said you were going to clean up, Hoe.”

Junhoe took a drink of his coke, then burst.

“I did,” he said, giving him a look over his glass, taking another drink.

Hanbin's ears went red, but he tried to ignore that.

“Oh yeah? So, did the bottles appear magically?”

Junhoe shrugged, earning a blow from Yunhyeong.

 

***

ItsBabi

@ OrNah

**I can sit with him on the plane today 🌊 🌊**

09:05 AM Sep 3, 2017 · Twitter for Android

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ItsBabi @ OrNah · Now

**We can talk about music**

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ItsBabi @ OrNah · Now

**I've been thinking in a song just for the two of us**

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ItsBabi @ OrNah · Now

**Maybe this is a good time**

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ItsBabi

@OrNah

**We used to nap together 😴**

09:35 AM Sep 3, 2017 · Twitter for Android

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**It's fun to watch him sleep, that relax me**

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ItsBabi

@ OrNah

 **He didn’t get** **up** **to eat**

09:49 AM Sep 3, 2017 · Twitter for Android

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**Yu******g cooked risotto, I ate with him and his evil twin**

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 **I went home late, Hanuel got angry ‘cause she was waitin for me for long (I fell asleep on Hanbin's couch, but he didn’t wake up** )

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***

 

    Hanbin dozed off in their way to the airport. After lunch, the day before, he had fallen asleep and didn’t wake up until his manager had him get up today; he had not even gone to the studio. His body had been extremely tired and sore, but he was sure that he had never rested so well before.

Chanwoo was in charge of waking him up and holding him when they got to the airport, because Hanbin couldn’t stop closing his eyes, wanting to sleep. He shook a little when he heard the screams of his fans and felt the flash of the cameras of his fansites. One of his bodyguards took the place of Chanwoo and helped him walk.

On the plane, Junhoe, as always, sat next to Jinhwan. Hanbin went sit alone, wearing sunglasses, having opportunity to observe them. Jinhwan was talking about Yejin, asking something to Junhoe, a new restaurant to take her. What two years were not enough for him to know the kind of places his girlfriend liked? He shook his head and turned to the window, Junhoe had been clear and very right, iKON was a family and no romantic feeling had the right to kill that.

Out of the corner of his eye he watched Bobby, who was sitting in the seat next to him, crossing the small hallway. As always, Donghyuk was with him. As always, both were fighting and then laughing. Once, a long time ago, that was his place. But he had fucked up their friendship, all because of a love that wasn’t made to be.

He reclined on the seat and closed his eyes, going back to sleep.

 

***

ItsBabi

@ OrNah

**Nop. Today we don’t sit together…**

12:10 PM Sep 3, 2017 · Twitter for Android

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**Why does he look like a completely different person from the other day?**

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 **He looks lost.** **I don’t want him to feel lost**

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ItsBabi

@ OrNah

 **Today was also came that new** **fansite**

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**She seems to like Ha***n a lot**

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 **He** **smiled** **at her**

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**Will he be interested?**

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**I don’t remember that he have ever been interested in someone**

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ItsBabi @ OrNah · Now

**He always complained about how lonely he was, but when I asked him if he wanted to date someone, he just joked with me**

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ItsBabi

@OrNah

**Kim Jiwon, he said, is Kim Jiwon my only love**

**But that actress doesn’t like him (liked) so much, I know**

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***

Han ♥: Hey  

BOBBY: Hey

Han ♥: See you in Kobe?

BOBBY: I thought you

 wouldn’t go

Han ♥: I thought you would

apologize

BOBBY: I thought that

already

I had done it

Han ♥: I thought you

would talk to me

you first

Han ♥: I don’t want to fight

See you in Kobe, I love you

BOBBY: ILY

***

 

He had had a strange dream, he was in the middle of a labyrinth, everything in complete darkness, Bobby was looking for him, screaming his name without stopping, he was so desperate, but no matter how close he was, he never came to him, never found him.

Hanbin frowned and sighed, he didn’t like it when he dreamed about Bobby, whatever the dream was.

He buckled his belt and prepared for the landing, feeling that he was being watched. Out of the corner of his eye, he caught Bobby's gaze. Hanbin looked straight ahead, fleeing, now finding with Junhoe's, who was turned towards him. Again, he was grateful to wear his sunglasses, he wasn’t in the mood to face anyone.

 

Hanbin turned up the volume of his music when he left the plane, walked two steps away from any of his members. He wanted to get out fast of there, get away from the crowd and take refuge in the solitude of his room.

He wasn’t hungry, even though he already had a whole day without eating.

Sometimes, sadness came like this, out of nothing; a strange dream, the memory of some distant moment or the stress caused by seeing his fans with that look full of hope, waiting for something that he couldn’t be sure would come soon, and everything comes down.

 

    He wrote a couple of songs that night, after sleeping a couple of hours, all of them sad. One for his fans, who were there for them in spite of everything. Another for Junhoe's love, for those feelings that his dongsaeng should keep inside him forever. Another one for Bobby; but that wasn’t strange, there were always songs for Bobby.

His manager knocked on the door minutes after he was end to write, Hanbin had not even bathed.

“We’re gonna eat, coming?” Yunhyuk asked, he didn’t enter the room.

“Nah, I'm ok.”

“You haven’t eaten for” he looked at his watch “almost thirty-six hours...”

Hanbin sighed, by the look of his manager he knew he wouldn’t have a choice. He turned around, bending his head to cracking his neck joints, and told him that he’ll saw him in the lobby in twenty minutes.

Hanbin took a quick shower and dressed in comfortable clothes. He didn’t want to go to dinner, he only wanted to sleep. Looking with longing his bed, he took sunglasses, his wallet, and cell phone and went out to meet his manager.

 

Just as the elevator doors were about to close, Jinhwan and Junhoe reached it. Hanbin tried that images of sweaty bodies, wet kisses and desperate caresses didn't crossed his mind, but the more he tried, the less he got.

He felt his ears turn red, but he managed to keep his stoic gesture. Junhoe stare at him in the eye. Even though Hanbin wore dark sunglasses, Junhoe was looking into his eyes.

“Hanbinah,” Jinhwan called him, “I know you always are busy, but you must take care of yourself. Yunhyeong told us that you had not eaten anything since yesterday, that's not right. Don’t do things that can worry our fans.”

Hanbin nodded, though he didn’t show it in his gesture, he did feel bad for his hyung's words. Junhoe stood beside him, saying nothing. He could feel the heavy energy that surrounded them. _Relax, it's Junhoe... It's only June._

Jinhwan continued speaking, giving the two a sermon of why they should take care of themselves. Junhoe nodded, with that face of ‘I'm not paying any attention to you, but you keep talking.’

For his luck, Hanbin received a message from Jaewon. He ignored his hyung and the weird atmosphere with his dongsaeng.

 

 

***

03 SEP AT 09:44 PM

 

JAEWONNIE: What’s up, man

HANBIN: Hey

dude

I have something that

I need to

talk to you

JAEWONNIE:?

HANBIN: Something very

important

I did...

I did something

JAEWONNIE : SOMETHING LIKE WHAT?

YOU CONFESS TO JIWON!

HANBIN: 😐

No

Maybe…

Maybe more grave

***

 

He stopped writing when he felt Junhoe's eyes on the screen of his phone. In the elevator’s mirror he corroborated that he was right, the younger had his eyes fixed on his conversation. Hanbin blocked the screen and sighed, better talk to Jaewon later, he still needed to process what happened.

 

   They were in a private room in a Japanese restaurant that Yunhyeong suggested. To his right was Bobby, to his left Chanwoo and to the front Junhoe. He knew it was going to be an awkward dinner if he didn’t let his discomfort aside.

 _So this is what Bobby hyung feels with Junhoe... Wait, do they...?_ _No, what nonsense, Bobby hyung is more heterosexual than ten heterosexuals together and Junhoe is in love with Jinhwan hyung... Although, he slept with me._ _God, Hanbin, stop thinking about that!_

He felt his ears turn red for the nth time, more when Junhoe stared at his covered eyes then at his ears and finally at his mouth. The man also had red ears and Hanbin knew they were thinking the same thing.

“Hyung, why don’t you take off your glasses?” Chanwoo asked, laughing. “We're already in private, you don’t have to feel like a rockstar all the time.”

Everyone laughed at the maknae's comment, Hanbin rolled his eyes, but took them off anyway.

“Ugh, better put them back, you look awful, hyung” said the younger, earning one of the famous killer looks of _TigerBin._

Chanwoo immediately apologized, but Hanbin ignored him and placed the sunglasses on the table. Junhoe stared at him for a few seconds, then he stood up and bent over the table, took in a hand Hanbin’s sunglasses and put them in a backpacked he was carrying.

“No damages.”

Junhoe rolled his eyes. Hanbin smirked, a simple gesture that seemed to relieve a bit the heavy atmosphere between the two of them.

Shortly after they brought their food, Hanbin began to feel very sleepy. He had not eaten practically anything, but he felt full. Full and tired. He wanted to go back to the hotel now, but he knew that his managers wouldn’t let him.

He tried to pay attention to the story told by Yunhyeong with the intervention of comments and skeptical looks from Chanwoo. He knew how much his hyung liked to be paid attention, but nothing was kept by his head, as if Yunhyeong's voice disappeared the moment he made contact with his ears. He smiled each time the others laughed and nodded when the others did, but he didn’t know what was happening.

Feeling that he was about to fall facing his plate, he got up to go to the bathroom and wash his face.

When he saw himself in the mirror he understood why Chanwoo had reacted in that way, he looked so tired that he felt sorry.

He had never had eyes bags for more nights he was sleepless, but now he had some dark spots under his eyes, his skin looked pale, his face sharper and his body thinner. Junhoe was right, he had to start training. _Ugh, did June really sleep with me even though I look like this?_ _He drank more than I thought_.

After have seen, really seen, Junhoe's body, his toned muscles, his skin smooth and healthy, the firmness of his back and shoulders broad, and remember Jinhwan, that beautiful little man, with perfect features and body slim and handsome face, Hanbin couldn’t believe that Junhoe had held him that way, as if he really wanted to, as if his body turn him on, as if his skin was the most desirable thing in the world.

 _Surely he was thinking about Jinhwan hyung all the time_. That thought made him feel... small, insignificant. No, he wasn’t in love with Junhoe, but knowing that he wasn’t good enough for anybody was always going to be painful. _Neither Bobby nor anyone wants to love me, right?_

“Where was that pride, Kim Hanbin? What did you do to us?” He asked aloud, in response he only obtained a precarious look from the mirror.

 

***

03 SEP AT 10:59 PM

 

BOBBY: I think he already took

a long time in the restroom

Do ya think  his

stomach hurts?

DONGDONG: I duno

Should we go check?

I better inform hyung

BOBBY: No, I'll go if in

five min if he

doesn’t return

 

BOBBY: hey

You talk

better with Junhoe

DONGDONG: Aha

BOBBY: Don’t you see him weird?

For a long time,

but today more

DONGDONG: Junhoe is always

like that

There's nothing strange

about that

BOBBY: 😐

DON’T BE AN IDIOT

THERE IS SOMETHING

WEIRD

Dongdong: AND WHY

YOU SHOUT ME?

BOBBY: WTH?

I'M NOT SHOUTING AT YOU

DONGDONG: 🙄

Capitals, imbecile

BOBBY: 🙃

I'm your hyung,

stop calling me imbecile

DONGDONG: Stop being it

First

Ah, yeah, are you still angry

with Hanuel?

BOBBY: 🙃

I 'm not angry with her

DONGDONG: Well, is she still

angry with you?

BOBBY: Yeah, I think,

but she gonna go

to the concert

anyway

DONGDONG: Your parents

They’ll also come

You…?

BOBBY: I still dunno

Maybe

 

***

 

Everything had gone perfect in the fan meeting. Both, he and Junhoe had been professionals. So much that they had not even turned around to see each other. Yes, professionals.

Now they were in Kobe, the rehearsal of the concert had ended an hour earlier. Hanbin was taking a break in a room, alone, waiting for his turn to makeup and change, his eyes were fixed on his mobile. Since the last text to Jaewon, he had not answered him, nor his constant calls or his insistent messages. But that wasn’t the only reason he was staring at his cell phone. It was the sixth day without Junhoe's random messages.

Now he was more repentant than ever. Junhoe and he had started having a deeper friendship and they had spoiled him that way. _Just when I thought I would have someone close; I go and do this_.

It's not that Hanbin didn’t have friends, he had them. Everyone in iKON were his friends, Jaewon, Raesung, Seung... But he wanted someone even closer, someone to occupy the place that Bobby had left.

For months, Junhoe had been getting into that empty space little by little, one day he had put a vase, then a painting, then a book, then a hundred, at the end a comfortable chair and a huge bookcase; He had adhered Hanbin without either of them noticing, but now all was destroyed. The saddest thing was Hanbin knew that Junhoe would leave all his belongings, that he wouldn’t give even a little time to come back for them.

 

“Nock, nock” Yunhyeong knocked on the door, making the noise with his mouth too, immediately after, he gave Hanbin a smile. “Hey, can we talk, Hanbinnie?”

Hanbin immediately nodded. Taking things seriously by the tone of his hyung, his gaze changed in a second to the Leader B.I.

“Ahh, Hanbinnie, it's not about work, relax.” The older sighed, making Hanbin worried even more. “I just want to know what's happening... with you. Since a few months ago you've changed a lot. You worry me, you worry us. Everything is very hard, right? But you are not alone, you have the six of us to lean on, to support you in anything. Trust us a little more, Hanbinnie, I promise you that we will not disappoint you.”

Hanbin couldn’t do anything than nod. He didn’t like to cause problems, he didn’t like to worry others with his stuffs, each one had something to carry on them so he couldn’t throw more weight in them. Also, much of what kept him in that state was something he felt he couldn’t talk to the members because he didn’t want to ruin his group (something he apparently had already done).

“It's... It's just that, sometimes... sometimes I feel I'm not the leader iKON needs” He answered shortly after the insistent and worried look of his hyung. “I think Sajangnim made a mistake in giving me this position when we were trainers.”

“Hey, that's not true, Hanbinnie, you are the best leader a group could have, you are the best and only leader that iKON could have.”

Yunhyeong saw him with a deep and bright look and Hanbin knew that he wasn’t only worried about him but also proud of what he was.

“Thanks, hyung, it's just that sometimes... Sometimes seem like everything I've done has been wrong.”

The warmth of Yunhyeong's hand on his shoulder made him feel relieved to have him there. If he had had a blood brother, he would have liked him to be as Yunhyeong.

“It is human to err, but you, Hanbinnie, you have not failed in anything. In nothing. Don’t let people who aren’t here, who don’t know you, tell you what to believe. I’m very proud of you and very grateful to have known you, that this, who we are, where we are, be with you by my side.”

Hanbin felt he wanted to cry, but as always, he retained his tears.

“Thanks, hyung. Really. Thank you.”

“Mmm,” Yunhyeong denied, smiling warmly. “Only remember that you have us here, you don’t need to carry everything by yourself.”

 

   The concert was a success. Hanbin had been somewhat sensitive, but he didn’t let anything come from inside him, he kept everything in his heart, which was filled with emotion and gratitude when he saw the faces of his fans, their smiles, the mood with which they sang each one of their songs and waved their hands and their lightsticks, the desperate voices with which they shouted their names, looking for attention, looking for that perfect second in which their eyes would meet to stay forever in their memories.

It wasn’t as if only with a few words his whole world had changed, but he was happy to have heard from one of his members that he was a good leader.

Hanbin knew how hard and impatient he could be, he knew that he had made them suffer with his harsh criticism and scolding and that he had failed to get the things he wanted for the previous comeback. He regretted many things, many acts and words with he had exploded in the heat of the moment, many words of encouragement and recognition that didn’t come at the right time, many apologies that were not said... But, despite all that, they had kept close to him, even though he was the only one who distanced himself from them more each day.

 

Being in one of the room backstage, changing their clothes and taking off their makeup, the atmosphere felt bubbly, Yunhyeong and his odd and out-of-date jokes made the members laugh —not because he was really funny, of course. Junhoe was singing with his powerful voice, as always, as if almost three hours of concert had not been enough. Chanwoo was bothering his favorite hyung, Yunhyeong, and Donghyuk and Bobby were laughing at them. Hanbin watched them all with an affectionate look without realizing it, he was grateful to live those moments with them.

Jinhwan, who has just gotten up from a chair where a stylist had been removing him his makeup, approached to him and dropped by his side, hugging his right arm. He looked up at Hanbin, putting his chin on leader’s shoulder, with that cute and funny smile.

“You’re in a good mood. I like it when our leader is in a good mood.”

Hanbin rolled his eyes, but smirked.

His smile almost died when he saw Yejin and Hanuel coming. Both looked beautiful, as always. Yejin had a sweeter face than Hanuel, dressed more sophisticated and had a more discreet personality, but Hanuel was perfect, just as she was, with the skin a little dark, the naughty smile and her _Street_ clothes.

Jinhwan released him immediately, met his girlfriend and took her hand, seeing at her eyes. Yejin was a bit taller than the older of iKON, which always made the group tease them. Regardless of that, there was something spectacular between them. Maybe it was that perfect aura surrounded them that made them look amazingly good together, as if they were made for each other.

Unable to avoid it, Hanbin turned his eyes to Junhoe. The man had his eyes fixed on the union of those two hands, his face without any gesture. A second later he turned around and met Hanbin's gaze, he smiled at him as if he was saying ‘everything is fine’. Hanbin didn’t answer his smile, looked down, got up and went for his backpack.

It was as if time stopped in an eternal second, the next he swallowed and evaded Bobby and Hanuel, who were tightly hugged in front of him.

 

They all had dinner together. iKON. The staff. The girlfriends of Bobby and Jinhwan. Another great day.

Hanbin told himself he was going to behave, not dead or bored or sad looks. Don’t keep quiet. Don’t daydream.

He forced himself to have a conversation with his members, though he avoided turning too far to the side where Bobby was. He was strong, but he had his limits —very marked.

He ate a lot, because keeping busy eating was a good strategy to talk only enough. When he felt full, he decided to go out to get some air and stretch his legs, most of them were still eating and he knew there was still time to go to the hotel.

The staff had chosen a restaurant isolated from the crowded areas of Kobe, so there were not many people in the streets. Hanbin leaned against a lamppost at the corner of the block, a few meters from the place; his eyes on the dark night, his thoughts traveling to the same old destination: Bobby.

Bobby and his satisfied smile to see his girlfriend enjoy the food. Bobby and his eyes sparkling when taking between his big hand the small and delicate of Hanuel. Bobby leaning over the back of her chair, whispering sweet words that made her smile widely.

It was time to leave it, that love that only hurt him, that plunged him into a sea of sadness.

It wasn’t as if he had kept it because he had hoped to one day be reciprocated. No, it wasn’t like that, he knew that he had not the slightest chance of being the most important thing for his hyung, but it was hard to want to stop loving him.

Bobby had everything to be loved. Bobby deserved to be loved. It wasn’t only his charm or his handsome and beautiful face or his good body that made him special, Bobby was... it was Bobby. Relaxed, but serious when needed, cheerful, kind, understanding, funny... He had a thousand qualities for what people don’t could avoid falling and wish a little more of him. But there was the trap, Bobby was so perfect that one ended up dreaming of being the most special person in his life when the reality was that they would never get a more special place in his heart.

He couldn’t blame himself for falling for him, nor could he blame Bobby for not loving him. This was life, some were lucky, others were not. He never. But it was time to truly say goodbye, to transform all that love into friendship. He didn’t want more dinners in which he felt uncomfortable, he didn’t want to envy the looks that were not for him, or wish he had been born differently so he could be loved by someone who didn’t do.

“It's a beautiful night.”

Hanbin held the air and released it little by little. Nor could he continue to behave that way with Junhoe if he wanted to fix things.

“Yes.”

Junhoe laughed quietly. There was a strange silence, not uncomfortable, not pleasant.

“Hanbin, I've been thinking...”

“Do you think?”

The younger gave him a bored look, Hanbin apologized, saying he couldn’t let it go, Junhoe laughed more easily this time, raised his hand and placed it over Hanbin’s head.

They stared each other in the eye.

 “What have you been thinking?”

Junhoe's gesture relaxed, Hanbin saw him exhale slowly and then take a deep breath, his gaze gaining intensity.

“I think we should date. You and me.”

Hanbin lost his breath again. Junhoe had said what he thought he had said? He had the urge to lean back, but Junhoe lowered the hand he held above Hanbin’s head and placed it on the back of Hanbin’s neck, holding him firmly. Hanbin shuddered at the touch he now knew so well. Junhoe felt warm, very warm.

“What we did... It wasn’t us, June,” he said softly. “We were drunk, we were sad and things went out of their way. That wouldn’t have happened if...”

Junhoe made him keep silence with a single look and smile, a flirtatious gesture that he had never dedicated to him, it wasn’t the one he gave to his fans, it was something more... intimate.

“We enjoyed it and I don’t regret it. Don’t do it, Hanbin, don’t stain that memory with your anxiety. Don’t you think there was something between us, a kind of chemistry? While I was with you, each kiss and each caress anesthetized me to the pain that I have felt every day during the last years. When I saw you enjoying, when I knew that you were feeling pleasure thanks to me, I felt very well, as if I wasn’t destined to be alone, suffering for someone who loves someone else.”

Hanbin's cheeks flushed instantly, he looked around, hoping no one had heard his dongsaeng.

“I don’t think that's enough for us to date. I don’t want to ruin more our friendship.”

Junhoe leaned closer, as if he were going to kiss him there, in the middle of the street. But he didn’t, he just stayed close, without taking his eyes off him.

“You're in love with someone else, I’m in love too, why not get over them by gettin’ under us? I think two broken hearts are the right ones to be together. I think we can fix the damage of the other, treat with patience the wounds we have done on our own, restore every broken piece, give what little we have left. We know what there is in the other and how much we need, there is no deception, no false hope. It could work if we try. I'm tired of loving someone who loves me just like a brother, I'm tired of holding on to this because... there is no hope, Hanbin. There isn’t.”

Hanbin lowered his eyes, he too was already tired, he didn’t want it to rain inside of him, but he wasn’t sure of what Junhoe was saying. What if things didn’t work and they completely ruined their friendship? There was a lot to lose.

“I don’t know, June. I don’t think it's okay, after that you got weird, we got weird.”

“There was a lot to digest, Hanbin.”

Junhoe released his neck and took his hand gently.

“We were getting close. I liked that you sent me your poems or your weird messages. I enjoyed your visits in the studio, that you read my lyrics and suggested things, that you started writing your own songs and you showed them only to me. Our friendship was getting deeper and we became almost strangers from one day to the next and I don’t want that.”

Junhoe squeezed his hand.

“I promise that it will not happen, work or not, I’ll not leave you as they did, you will not lose my friendship.”

Hanbin pressed his mouth in a thin line, his heart aching at the right phrase. Shortly thereafter, he nodded slowly and slid his hand away from the man's when he heard people approaching.

“Let me think about it.”

Junhoe smiled and nodded.

 

 

 

***

ItsBabi

@ OrNah

**When I started going out more with D**g he told me that he felt abandoned. He only said it once, never again**

12:49 AM Sep 10, 2017 · Twitter for Android

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**I thought it was an exaggeration, but deep down I knew it was true**

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ItsBabi @ OrNah · Now

**I know I hurt him when I didn’t ask him for help on the album**

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ItsBabi @ OrNah · Now

**I know I hurt him when I didn’t want to show him my songs**

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**I know I hurt him when I said that M**o and Do*****k would collaborate with me**

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**I know I hurt him every time I pushed him away when he got too close**

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**Now I regret everything**

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**I lost my best friend because of gossip**

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ItsBabi

@OrNah

**I'm an imbecile**

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**I envied Ja***n when he approached him and now I envy Ju***e**

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**I'm ashamed**

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**Is it possible to fix all this?**

**Go back in time?**

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**Ha***n, don’t you miss our days together?**

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	4. 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, añio! How are you guys? 
> 
> Well, I think I need to say something since some of you commented and Idk but I started to feel bad^^! Ahmm, I love JunBin 'cause is JunBin, but guys this is also a DoubleB fic and Idw you to feel like I deluded you. I really love to read all your comments they make me so happy and for that I wanted to say that.  
> Thank you again for share your thoughts about the story and the characters with me, I hope not disappointed you with the way the story takes.  
> Chokokissus 💖

B E S T F R I E N D S

 

Four

 

 _In where_ _he wishes him all happiness —even if that breaks him more._

 

 

He had gone to the store near the hotel, it was early morning, but he was with humour for his always favourite _choco cone_.

He couldn’t get out of his head the conversation he had had earlier with Junhoe, his mind was divided.

One part strongly denied, warning him how bad the internal relationships were for a group; if things didn’t go well, they could end up spoiling all the effort of those years, not only of the two of them but of each member.

They were in love with other people, and speak of real love, not a passing and fleeting infatuation. Years of unrequited love, could they be put aside that easy? Did life work like this?

The other part said ‘yes, it's that simple’. And it was that voice in his head that whispered to stop clinging, to accept Junhoe, what could be wrong in taking risks? He wouldn’t be the first to go out with a friend or the only one who did it thinking that he could leave behind the feelings he had for someone else.

Besides, Junhoe was right, that chemistry they had shared was perhaps more than just the lust of the moment. He had to be; he was sure he couldn’t have done it with someone else from his friends just because of the influence of alcohol. Maybe it was because the connection they had been developing, maybe it was because there was something else they both didn’t know about.

He remembered the first day he had received a message from Junhoe, a personal one, which had been weird because Junhoe communicated everything in the CG. That day he had been in the studio, looking at the ceiling lying on the sofa behind his desk. He had been stuck in the chorus of a song, wishing Bobby could be there to help him, but Bobby was never by his side; he had his solo to work on. Out of nowhere he had received a message at two o'clock in the morning, Junhoe telling him that he had taken one of his books and he liked it very much. Hanbin had argued immediately, but the next second, he had asked which book. _‘Sky, Wind and Stars’,_ Junhoe had answered, also sending him a picture of the poem he had liked best. Two hours later the boy had sent him a poem he had written by himself, something simple without much cadence, but very good to be the first poem written by Junhoe.

From that day began the messages, increasingly frequent, increasingly insistent. Junhoe really liked sharing his poems only with Hanbin and with no one else or so it was until, months later, Jinhwan demanded to read them as well.

Hanbin smiled, Junhoe could be weird, lazy and sometimes a dumb, but when something interested him there was nothing to stop him.

 _Maybe_ we _should, perhaps Junhoe is right,_ he thought again, _perhaps is true that we can help us to overcome this_ _mutually._

 

He opened the door of the store still with divided thoughts.

Bobby was inside, paying, his face covered by a black face mask.

Hanbin heart beat increased, he thought to leave as soon as he could, before the rapper saw him, but it was too late. Bobby turned his head and their eyes met. The older smiled immediately, Hanbin noticed it in his eyes and the way they wrinkled at the corners. He had no other option than imitated his hyung and moved from the entrance, going to the back of the store. He pretended he was looking for something, wanting Bobby to leave, looking for Hanuel not to be near.

He chose his favourite _Pringles_ , a juice and then went for his _choco cone_. He saw Bobby's favourite popsicles and took one by inertia.

When he approached the cashier to pay, he was relieved to see his hyung was gone, but it was a feeling that didn’t last long. When leaving, Bobby was there, alone. Hanbin looked around, was he waiting for him?

“Hey, how much did you buy, bro? It took years.”

Hanbin almost turned to look back, pointing himself with a finger to corroborate if it was him Bobby was talking to. Although he didn’t, the older's look didn’t go unnoticed, he had noted his surprise and that seemed to have disconcerted him.

“Stuff, I was looking for...”

“ _Choco cone_ ,” Bobby said, interrupting him, with that amused smile that showed in his eyes, making them smaller.

Hanbin nodded with a small smile, lack of life compared to the older's.

He felt the impending silence was going to devour them so he opened the bag and took out the popsicle.

“I saw they also had this; I don’t know if they are still your favourites.”

Bobby's gaze became softer and brighter, but it also seemed a bit... sad? Hanbin shook his thoughts, he had said long ago that he wasn’t going to assume things that were not, that he wouldn’t be convinced to see non-existent feelings in his hyung's eyes.

“Yes, it still is.” The older took the popsicle and unwrapped it quickly. “I feel like it's been years since I ate one.”

Hanbin cocked his head, pulling out his own ice cream.

“Didn’t you eat this the last time we were in Japan?”

Bobby shook his head, lowered the black face mask and bit it. His smile seemed never to die. It was one of Hanbin's favourite things in the world. Always he saw Bobby smile so purely, his heart filled with a warm feeling, a strange comforting peace.

Hanbin also smiled this time a truly bright smile.

“Not since the time we ate one together.”

Hanbin's smile hesitated, in the end, it became a slightly curved grimace, it could still seem like a smile to the eyes of the world.

He looked to the front, to the street they walk with parsimony. The last time they had shared an ice cream had also been in Japan, in a similar street, in the middle of a moonless night with a persistent drizzle, ten months ago?

That day Bobby had told him about Hanuel, how she seemed to be different, how good he felt when he was with her, how he got along with her sense of humour, how much he missed her when he was away, how he couldn’t sleep without saying good night before closing his eyes, even if it was in a message or a call. Soon after, Hanbin had wanted to change the subject, talk about Bobby's album, had even suggested they could do something together, that he didn’t necessarily need to appear on the album, maybe just help him compose something, but his hyung just had ignored him, nodding and saying he had to call his girlfriend.

That had been the night in which Hanbin had realized he was not among Bobby's priorities and it had been the night he had decided to put distance while crying sitting under the shower, still with his clothes on, sinking his face between his knees to silence his sobs; Bobby in the other room, still talking on the phone with Hanuel.

Hanbin stopped eating his ice cream, the memory hitting him hard, the sadness emptying him once more. _I don’t want this anymore; I don’t want to cover with a blue veil every memory I have with him_.

Bobby finished with his popsicle and put the envelope in his pocket.

“Do you want a chocolate?” He asked the younger.

Hanbin nodded and turned to the bag other was holding, watching his hands move abruptly wanting to find something inside. His face turned red and the next moment pale when something fell to the ground. A box of condoms.

Bobby quickly bent down to pick up the box, laughed nervously, and cleared his throat.

“Ahm... I...”

Hanbin tightened his lips, trying not to let the smile fall.

Should he joke with his hyung? Couldn’t. He couldn’t even speak. Not that he didn’t know Bobby _did it_ with his girlfriend, it was obvious, but it was still painful because the thought didn’t end in a “he do it”, the thought went further: “he kisses her”, “he caresses her”, “he embraces her”, “he look into her eyes with love while...”

He turned to the other side of the street, pretending not to care about the intimate matters of his hyung.

 _I’ve already done it._ _I’ve been dragged by passion too._ _I’ve also been kissed and caressed and held._ _I don’t have to feel that way._ _I have no right;_ _I’ve never had it._

His chest ached with the desire to cry. Yes, he had been kissed and caressed and held, but not by the hands of the person he loved. He hadn’t done any of those things with the only person he had wanted to give all his first times.

Bobby cleared his throat once more.

“Mmm, tomorrow... Huh, tomorrow my parents arrive, they go to the concert... I, do you think that...? We were thinking that maybe it's time to introduce Hanuel, formalize this, you know. She has been insisting, you know how women are.”

With his eyes stinging with tears, still staring to the side opposite his hyung, Hanbin looked for the light of the lamps to avoid making a fool of himself in the middle of the street.

Bobby had been grow in the United States, had many different customs, but kept many Koreans, including not introduce a girlfriend to his family unless it was a truly serious relationship.

Hanuel was going to be the first.

Hanbin recalled Bobby had told him that his brother never brought anyone to his house, no other until the right one appeared, the one who was his wife today; Bobby had told him that he wanted to be like his big brother.

 _Loving shouldn’t hurt in this way_.

How funny, in the saddest and most cruel way, life was corroborating that it was time to say goodbye.

He wiped a tear he couldn’t help spilling, pretending to scratch the corner of his eye.

He thought in Junhoe's words: iKON is family.

With his chest aching and a lump in his throat and stomach, he turned to see Bobby, giving him the sincerest smile he had ever given. No matter how much pain he felt, there was no greater desire in his heart than to see his hyung being happy... and Hanuel was his happiness.

“Your parents will be very happy; she is a good girl.”

Bobby looked into his eyes, Hanbin felt as if he was scrutinizing his soul, shortly after he smiled too.

“Do you want to come with us? Tomorrow, to dinner. I would like you to be there, _omma_ will be happy, she misses you, whenever I go home, she asks for ‘her son Hanbin’ who has abandoned her.”

How was something capable of harming him and causing him happiness at the same time? Hanbin decided to take the conversation in that direction, talking about old stories of those visits to the older's home, ignoring the question he had asked.

 

***

 

ItsBabi

@OrNah

**If you say that it's the best, then that's how it should be**

01: 4 5 AM Sep 10, 2017 · Twitter for Android

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ItsBabi @ OrNah · Now

 **Ha***n I hope u** **'re right**

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***

 

     They were in the middle of the concert, the screams of the fans deafening the place. He was in the middle of the stage, watching Bobby's back in the distance, the rapper was at the other end, jumping and fooling around Donghyuk.

Turned to his side, Junhoe had stopped next to him, singing his lines, when he finished, he started making faces for his fans.

Hanbin continued staring at him without being able to look away, in the end the younger turned around to see him, frowned for a moment, as if he was angry to be observed, immediately after he smiled. Hanbin's gaze gained intensity, making Junhoe laugh in the way he always did when he was nervous. The older finally realized what he was doing and looked away, also laughing nervously; out of the corner of his eye he realized the screens were showing them both.

 

***

TWITTER iKONICS

Junhoe's hoe

@ikonxikonic

 **Junhoe and Hanbin made eyes contact**  

 **Both got nervous** **kkkk**

 **u want to see their beautiful faces uwu**?

**JunHwan   🔜  JunBin**

**#Sorrynotsorry**

0 7: 1 5 P.M. Sep 10, 2017 · Twitter for Android

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JunHwansupremacist @ WeAreiKON

Replying to @ikonxikonic

 **whut?** **No no no JunBin doesn’t even exist gurl**

**that isn’t a ship**

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DoubleBislife @ BlingBlingWithMe

**X2 @WeAreiKON DoubleB fo eva 💖**

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Junhoe'shoe @ ikonxikonic

**DoubleB is dead and y’know 🤷🏻‍♀️**

***

 

     When they going to the backstage after finish the concert, Hanbin felt Junhoe was behind him. He looked over his shoulder without saying anything and kept walking listening to the steps of the boy echoing his.

His heart was pounding, almost thundering in his ears. He opened the door of a remote room where extra stuff was kept for the concert. He exhaled deeply and entered, leaving the door open. A few steps later, he heard a soft click and someone standing behind him.

He felt his body tingling, he had the urge to put his hand to his chest, but he managed to contain himself.

Taking courage, he turned around to face the younger.

Their eyes connected immediately, making the atmosphere feel intense and electrifying. The minutes passed without anyone saying anything. Hanbin knew he was the one who had to take the step this time.

In a quick movement, he approached Junhoe, rose on tiptoe and kissed him gently, feeling a shiver in his cheeks and stomach. It was a short kiss, both keeping their mouths closed, just pressing their lips against each other.

It was a kiss that was nothing but a response to a proposition.

 

   They got into the same van to go to the hotel, Hanbin noticed the surprised look of Jinhwan being rejected by Junhoe to go with him in the other vehicle.

They sat together in the last seats, both closing their eyes to doze during the journey. Their bodies were close, but none made the attempt to try something. Hanbin felt strange, his heart was racing, somehow, he was anxious and calm. He still didn’t know if he had done the right if taking risks would bring serious consequences, but for once in his life, he wanted to do something selfish, something only for himself.

When he arrived at the hotel, he saw Junhoe come down lazily and stretch out, raising his arms, revealing a bit of his marked abdomen. Pushing away undue thoughts, he came down too, yawned and walked to the entrance without waiting for anyone.

When the lift doors opened, a friendly, smiling face surprised him.

“Hanbinnie!”

Mrs Kim's hands held his face, immediately afterwards he felt a kiss on his cheek. His heart felt warm, seeing Bobby's mother had the same effect on him as seeing his own mother. Without thinking twice, he put his arms around the loving woman in front of him, bending so he could sink his face into her shoulder.

“It's a pleasure to see you here.”

The minutes went long and warm until the hug ended with the arrival of Bobby and his audible complaint.

“I am also here, _omma_.”

Hanbin couldn’t help but laugh at his hyung's pouty voice. Mrs Kim hugged him too and then greeted the other boys; while doing so, Mr Kim stood at Hanbin side to embrace him in a fraternal greeting.

“How have you been, Hanbinah? We've missed you a lot at home, but that doesn’t need to be said, you saw my wife.”

He felt sorry for the words of Bobby's father, but he didn’t want to feel guilty, he had done what he had felt he had to do, and, from now on, he would try not to run away anymore.

“I'm sorry, we've been so busy, I hope to go soon.”

“It's a promise, huh,” Bobby declared, Hanbin's heart trembled, but he smiled, trying to do it with as much sincerity as possible. “Everyone listened, a promise cannot be broken.”

Bobby looked into his eyes, smiling happily at him, still hugging his mother by her shoulders. Mrs. Kim had her head raised, looking with love at her son.

“My baby has missed you so much, Hanbinnie, you have to come home soon, when you have free time. I will make all your favourite foods.”

Hanbin felt his chest swelling with gratitude; embarrassed, he smiled timidly, making his cheekbones marked a lot, giving him a tender, almost childlike appearance.

“Thank you very much, Mrs. Kim, as soon as we return to Korea, I’m gonna look for a day I can go.”

The gesture on Bobby's mother lost a bit of brightness, she tilted her head and leaned on her son's chest.

“You don’t tell me _omoni_ anymore.”

Hanbin blushed, struggling to keep the smile. For years he was the only one who called Bobby's mother that way, all the other members called him aunt.

But he no longer felt entitled to call her that way. Before he had begun to do because of his strong brotherhood with Bobby, he had been the first and closest friend the older had made when he had arrived in Korea. Later, when he had realized what his feelings towards his hyung were, that word ‘ _omoni_ ’ began to have a double meaning; in his fanciful mind he thought another reason was why he called her that; something more intimate, a special relationship between him and Bobby that only happened in his head. Now they were no best friends and none of his foolish fantasies had been realized and, honestly, it was painful to keep doing things he had enjoyed doing long ago because he had reached a point where a word became difficult to say; a single word could hurt him too much.

Before he could say anything in response to Mrs Kim, Hanuel appeared, taking the attention that Bobby's family had placed on him.

“Hey, you're here.”

Bobby released his mother to go with his girlfriend, took her by the hand, making her blush. Hanbin smiled sadly as he remembered all those dreams in which he was the one in that position, shy and nervous about knowing he would be formally introduced to his hyung's family, not as a friend but as the man he loved.

He took his eyes off the couple, turned to say goodbye to Bobby's parents. He met with a compassionate look in Mrs. Kim's eyes; she was looking at him as if she knew everything.

Hanbin began to feel anxious, the smile trembled on his lips and eventually returned to his uncomfortable grimace. Bobby's mother took his hand, her gesture winning tenderness.

“We'll see you later, have a good night, Mr and Mrs Kim.”

He bent to give a kiss on the woman's cheek and turned to press the elevator button that had been blocked by the sudden encounter.

“Hey, Hanbinnie, where are you going? Come with us. Yes?”

Another heartbeat less. Even if he didn’t want it, Hanbin's heart faded more and more whenever he was next to his hyung. With a small smile on his lips, he turned to see him. Bobby had released Hanuel, taking a step toward him.

“I'm sorry, I'm tired.”

He didn’t want to see the disappointment in Bobby's eyes, nor that obvious supplication in them. He swallowed knowing he would have to say yes and spend an evening feeling knives sticking into his chest, all because he couldn’t see Bobby disappointed.

He opened his mouth to give his hyung the answer that would return his smile. Junhoe blocked the path of his gaze. The boy smiled apologetically, greeted Bobby's parents and placed a hand on Hanbin's shoulder, dragging the older with him into the elevator that was about to close its doors. Hanbin only managed to give them one last apologetic smile, watching Bobby's gesture turn into a sad grimace.

 

None said anything.

Hanbin felt... bad. He had just agreed to go out with Junhoe, but he couldn’t help but keep all those feelings for Bobby, they were deeply rooted in his being and it was completely impossible to stop loving him just for having agreed to be with someone else.

Without taking his hand off his shoulder, Junhoe walked with him down the hall to older’s room and entered with him. They didn’t even take off their shoes, they went straight until they reached the huge bed, sitting on the edge, their thighs and hips touching against each other.

Hanbin raised his head ready to say something, whatever, but he was distracted by the perfect profile of his dongsaeng. He knew that Junhoe was handsome, but now he looked even more attractive, an effect of the alcohol that had remained attached to him since that night? Junhoe turned to see him with a cocky smile and bent to kiss him.

Hanbin felt his stomach twist, both pleasure and guilt. He closed his eyes and let himself be carried away by the tempo Junhoe marked, opening his mouth to receive him better. Junhoe slid his tongue inside Hanbin’s mouth, lazily playing with older’s tongue, making him moan unintentionally. Hanbin felt, in the middle of that interminable kiss, the satisfied smile of the other. He bit Junhoe’s lip in response, smiling when the younger growled and grabbed him by the waist.

He liked this, Junhoe could blow any painful or stressful thought out of his head, and all he needed to do was kiss him like that; the passion was the perfect anaesthesia.

Feeling his body relaxed, he pulled back, leaning back on the mattress, holding Junhoe by the neck so he fell on top of him. The younger lost no chance and settled between the other's legs, dropping his weight on top of him.

The kisses continued, gaining intensity with every second that passed. Hanbin stroked Junhoe's back, while Junhoe brought a hand inside of his shirt, making his whole body shudder and an inevitable gasp come out of his mouth to meet the other's.

“I don’t think we should do it today, B.I., tomorrow we have two performances,” Junhoe said, his thumb stroking one of the older's nipples.

Hanbin wriggled under Junhoe's body, mortified by how much he liked Junhoe to touch him there, wanting to feel a bit of friction in his groin.

“Nobody said we were going to do it, Hoe.”

They looked into each other's eyes, both gazes were full of desire. Hanbin bit his lip and looked away, his cheeks flushed. He had never diverting glances, he was TigerBin, others were the only one to fleeing away their looks from him, not Hanbin! But the situation didn’t help, Junhoe on top of him, caressing him that way, but telling him they couldn’t fuck, looking at him as if he was what he wanted most in the world. Yes, of course it was because of the situation, normally he wouldn’t be like that, normally he was proud, not that shy little puppy.

Junhoe kissed his neck, squeezed Hanbin's nipple with two fingers, making him moan loudly. After bit him gently on the shoulder Junhoe got off him. Hanbin bit his lip and placed an arm over his eyes, covering himself of the light. His chest rose and fell rapidly, his dick semi-erect.

Junhoe got up, took off his and Hanbin shoes, immediately after he began to take off his clothes. Hanbin, hearing the noise, removed his arm from his face and looked at him with wide eyes. Junhoe didn’t take his eyes off him. The younger smiled with confidence.

“Only gonna sleep, B.I., don’t start with your dirty thoughts” he laughed at Hanbin.

Hanbin rolled his eyes and sat on the bed to took off his shirt. He had just thrown it away when Junhoe came back on top of him, kissing him carelessly as he unbuttoned his pants. After taking it off, he leaned on his side and pulled Hanbin to him, hugging him by the abdomen.

“You don’t have to do things you don’t want, Hanbin. You don’t need to force yourself.”

“Forcing?”

“Bobby hyung. You were going with him.”

Hanbin swallowed hard, he had thought they were not going to talk about it because of the way they had taken.

Distressed, he looked at a point on the wall. Had he made his dongsaeng feel bad? That had been the worst way to start dating someone. Maybe he shouldn’t have accepted so easily, maybe he should tell him it was better to forget everything and continue their lives as friends and groupmates instead of continuing to ruin everything.

Junhoe gently stroked his chin, tightened his grip on his arm, and gave him a small kiss on the shoulder.

“Hey, I know it is impossible that from one day to another we leave behind all we have clung to for years. It’s okay.”

Hanbin nodded, clinging to the boy's arm. Junhoe had Hanbin turn around and lean his head on his firm chest. Hanbin smiled at the sound of Junhoe's heart right in his ear. That tempo made him think in a song. He closed his eyes, keeping the sound in his mind. When the younger's heart finally beat in a quieter rhythm, Hanbin got out of bed.

“What you doing?”Junhoe asked in a hoarse and sleepy voice.

Hanbin smiled when he heard it, Junhoe usually drank to could sleep soon, but this time it had not been like that. Was it because he was with him? Hanbin felt ashamed and stupid at that thought, but at the same time, he felt happy. Maybe it was true that someone was needed to forget someone else.

“Write, I have a good idea for a song.”

Hanbin returned to the bed with his worn notebook and an old pen. Junhoe lay on his stomach, a pillow between his chest and his raised face. Hanbin smiled when he saw Junhoe had also started writing on his phone.

 

 

***

10 SEP AT 10:02 P M

 

BOBBY: Can u check

on Hanbin?

He didn’t seem to feel

well when I left him

Dong:?

u were together?

Were not u at

dinner?

BOBBY: Don’t be an idiot

when I left him

in the hotel

DONG: Ahhh

I thought u had gone

together somewhere

10 SEP AT 10:08 PM

BOBBY: And?

he's okay?

DONG: I sent him a message

but he didn’t answer

BOBBY: 😑

Msn I can also send him

Go check him out

DONG:😕

I don’t want to bother him

What if he is asleep?

BOBBY: What if he passed

out for fatigue?

Go check!

DONG: IF U DIDN’T HAV

GON TO THAT DINNER

THAT U DIDN’T WANT TO DO

U COULD CHECK HIM

INSTEAD OF SHOUTING AT ME

BOBBY: U R DA

ONE WHAT'S SHOUTING

GO

TO

SEE

HIM

NOW

10 SEP AT 10: 12 PM

BOBBY: HOW IS HIM?

DONG :🤐

BOBBY: DONGHYUK!

DONG: Aish

He's fine Bobby hyung

Junhoe is with him

so don’t worry

Happy?

Now go back to ur dinner

Hanuel is askin me

y r we talkin so much

 

***

 

ItsBabi

@ OrNah

**okay**

10 : 13 P .M. Sep 10 , 2017 · Twitter for Android

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	5. 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, how are you?  
> Sorry if I have more mistakes than other chapters, my laptop is broken so I can't translate in my house this weekend... But I think it isn't important, right?  
> Well have a good week, añio, chokokissus ♥
> 
> **Thaaaank youuuuu so much for all the beautiful comments, I'm so fuckin happy when I read them^^♥

B E S T   F R I E N D S

 

Five

 

 _In where he feels a guilty love and a guilty hope_  

 

They were sitting together waiting to begin the rehearsal, he and Junhoe. Hanbin had his back against the boy's side, his head on his shoulder. Everyone had their eyes fixed on their cell phones.

It was strange, Hanbin felt relaxed. Normally, after something like what had happened last night —Bobby asking him to go to the dinner where he was introducing his girlfriend to his family— he would be so depressed that they would have had to drag him more asleep than awake, because his depression was always accompanied of an endless desire to sleep;because sleeping was the same as not thinking and not thinking was equal to peace.

But today, today was different.

He was beginning to believe in Junhoe's words, that two broken hearts were the only ones that could be made to forget, close each wound with time and care, gather each incomplete piece, create a new beginning.

Perhaps, one day he would wake up and realize that there was no more ‘Bobby’ in his head, no more ‘Bobby’ in his heart.

Maybe soon he could be free of all that tied him to someone who could not love him.

“You look very good today, hyung.”

Hanbin looked up from his phone to see Donghyuk taking off his sweatshirt in front of the sofa where he and Junhoe were. He smiled at Donghyuk and nodded, immediately returning to the poem that Junhoe had just sent him.

With every verse he read, Hanbin realized that the younger also hoped to calm the waters inside him.

The two had spent so much time clinging to something painfully impossible that this small relief meant so much in their hearts.

He moved, sliding the body down Junhoe's side to now lay his head on the boy's lap, earning a small dissatisfied grunt and a smile that was drawn at the corner of that noisy mouth he never thought he would like.

“It's good, I think you could modify some words to emphasize the meaning in certain sentences, but I liked it,” he said with a yawn.

Junhoe lowered his phone, his free hand moved the hair from Hanbin’s forehead and began to twist it into tips with a funny smile. Hanbin rolled his eyes, smiling, and let himself be done. Relaxed, he closed his eyes.

Donghyuk sat on the other sofa, watching them closely. He was not the only one entertained with the image of his hyung finally looking like the old him, Yunhyeong, in a table where he ate ramen, was smiling happily with his eyes on Hanbin, he looked relieved. On the other hand, Bobby, who had just come hand in hand with his girlfriend, looked pretty serious. Hanuel also did not carry his characteristic smile full of life.

 

***

11 SEP AT 11:11 AM

 

DONG: What's up bro?

u look like a dead fish

BOBBY: Hanuel is angry

DONG: u don’t have to say it

I noticed

BOBBY: 🙄

DONG: what u do?

BOBBY: y u suppose

 I dd somenthin?

DONG: 🤔

BOBBY: ‘cause I was

on my phone during

dinner

DONG: Just tell her

u were worried

by Hanbin hyung

BOBBY: I did

But u think

he cares?

She's very mad,

I don’t understand why

she came today if

she's gonna

be like that

makin that face

DONG: It was an important

dinner

of course

she gonna be angry

Apologize bfore

she leaches

leaves

BOBBY: No

She should understand

She worries

by her friends

I do for mine

 

***

 

ItsBabi

@OrNah

**HOW CAN U B MAD 'CAUSE I'M CONCERNED ‘BOUT HIM?? I HATE WHEN U’RE LIKE THAT, I HATE U MAKE ME FEEL THIS WAY**

11:38 AM Sep 11, 2017 · Twitter for Android

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ItsBabi @ OrNah · Now

 **Was it the right?** **Introduce u to my parents, was it the right thing?** **He said it would be, but it doesn’t seem**

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ItsBabi @ OrNah · Now

**Sometimes I don’t know how I can be with u, how u can be with me**

11:42 AM Sep 11, 2017 · Twitter for Android

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ItsBabi @ OrNah · Now

**Don’t make me choose between him and u, really, don’t**

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ItsBabi @ OrNah · Now

**Bros before girls, it’s what they say**

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ItsBabi @ OrNah · Now

**I just ask u not to make me choose ‘cause I don’t want to break ur heart, I know I will**

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ItsBabi @ OrNah · Now

 **I try to give my best.** **Why r u always irritated now?** **Why is nothing enough for u?**

11:48 AM Sep 11, 2017 · Twitter for Android

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ItsBabi @ OrNah · Now

 **Agh, this isn’t what it was.** **U and I aren’t the ones we** **were** **before.** **This isn’t what we promised...**

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ItsBabi

@ OrNah

 **I'm tired of this,** **I know u r too**

11:55 AM Sep 11, 2017 · Twitter for Android

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***

 

Hanbin felt the adrenaline rush through his body, the sound of the bass rumbling directly in his chest. He was having so much fun at that concert. He jumped from one place to another on the stage, approaching the fans who cheered him with shouts and bright smiles, filling him with energy.

He returned to the centre, needed to take a position for the next song: Dumb & Dumber.

The music started and immediately that known «Attention». This time he didn’t come to hold the microphone during the intro for Bobby, he stayed behind him, looking at his back, for a long timehe felt as if that was the only view he could have of Bobby: his distant back.

Dancing and fooling around he sang his part and moved from the front when it was again Bobby's turn, calming down to continue the choreography. The music changed the rhythm a bit, Hanbin turned to meet Junhoe's gaze. It was an intense second, he smiled funny and gave Junhoe a slap that ended in a caress. The two laughed, embarrassed, and continued with the performance; the fans launched hysterical screams.

   

In the second show that day, Junhoe took revenge during the same song. He turned before Hanbin and slapped him a little hard, Hanbin opened his eyes wider, surprised, his mouth forming an O, his eyebrows furrowing immediately. Junhoe smiled nervously, grabbed him by the head and pulled him close, hitting the older's forehead with his. Hanbin squeezed his throat with one hand, but let him go in a second, they had to continue with the choreography.

 

   They ran quickly backstage, Hanbin already taking off his shirt, Bobby unbuttoning his pants; the rest of the group was still on stage. They had the minutes counted for their next presentation; each one would sing a song alone and then Anthem would come.

Hanbin raised his head just as Bobby finished undressing. He swallowed, feeling suddenly thirsty; the rapper wore only his underwear. It was not the first time he had seen him like this —he had even seen him naked, maaaaaany times— but as always, he couldn’t help but felt his throat dry and his body hot, his eyes moving up and down with their own mind, absorbing every detail of his sunburned and sweaty and soft and warm skin...

Someone from the staff called him, asking him to put on the shirt she had stretched out for him in one hand. Hanbin apologized and nodded, not wanting to pay attention to the funny and tender smile of his noona.

“Hanbinnie, today you have very good chemistry with Junhoe.”

Hanbin looked back at his hyung to hear what he had said. His face blushed more than he already was because of the physical effort of the performance: Bobby had a hand inside his pants, adjusting his crotch so nothing was revealed by his skinny clothes.  

He made the effort to smile as if he hadn’t been affected by the ~~seductive~~ image in front of his eyes and made twice effort not to keep his eyes fixed on the hips of his hyung, and triple to avoid feeling excited.

“Yes?” He replied with difficulty.

He got into his own pants, bending down to buckle his shoes. Bobby came up behind him and leaned over, adjusting the collar of his shirt. Hanbin shuddered as he felt his hyung's fingers leave his clothes and climb gently up his neck to his head. Bobby adjusted Hanbin’s hair a little.

“Yeah, today you seem very... I don’t know, like... I don’t know, it's strange chemistry.”

“Bad?” Hanbin asked, getting up and pretending to adjust his clothes so he wouldn’t have to look him in the eye.

The staff was with them, going from one place to another, calling them to hurry because they had the minutes counted, arranging the clothes for the next members that would arrive as soon as they finished, but Hanbin felt like there was no one else besides Bobby.

_Enough, Hanbin, put an end to these feelings already, please._

He felt bad, for wanting Bobby, for not being able to avoid seeing him and for his heart to beat unrestrained, for feeling hot before the image of his naked and sweaty skin... He felt bad towards Bobby and towards Junhoe. One to see him in a way that would surely be unpleasant for him, the other for... _failing him_ when they were initiating such a big commitment.

“No, not bad... it's just weird, you always spent your time fighting, but now you are more... you get along better.”

Hanbin forced a laugh, bent down to have his makeup fixed.

“People change” he answered without being aware of the sadness in his voice.

Bobby stared at him.

Before either of them could say anything else, the staff called Hanbin on stage.

 

***

 

ItsBabi

@OrNah

**I shouldn’t feel like this**

11:51 PM Sep 11, 2017 · Twitter for Android

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ItsBabi

@OrNah

**I'm sorry I cannot help it... I don’t want to feel that way, but... They should be u and me, not you and he**

11:54 PM Sep 11, 2017 · Twitter for Android

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ItsBabi

@OrNah

 **I miss a lot the u and me from the past... How can we go back?** **Tell me how I'll do anything...**

11:59 PM Sep 11, 2017 · Twitter for Android

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***

JunBinNationIsOpening

@HellYeah

 **Where are those who said that JunBin doesn’t exist?** **#DoubleB and #JunHwan are super dead** kkk

12:30 AM Sep 12, 2017 · Twitter for Android

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June&BI@iKonic235

Replying to @HellYeah

 **True.** **True.** **True.** **True.** **JunBin shippers we have a hundred years of life with what happened tonight**

13 Retweet 19 Likes

My Dorky Kings@ iKON_for_ever

Replying to @HellYeah

**Bu-ut… where is my JunBob?**

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ItsBabi@OrNah

Replying to @HellYeah

 **JunBin?** **DoubleB dead?**

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***

 

“Juneyah, let's sit down here.”

Hanbin went through the side of Junhoe and Jinhwan, looking for his seat.

“I'm gonna sit with B.I.”

Looking over his shoulder, Hanbin smiled sideways. He sat on one side of the window, seconds later Junhoe dropped to his side. He watched him settle and close his eyes, resting his head on the back of the seat with the headphones already on. Hanbin slanted briefly and leaned on the boy's shoulder, closing his eyes to rest.

They were going to the next city on that eternal tour. He loved being in Japan, but he wanted to be more often in Korea, at home. If they were away he couldn’t keep producing their next album, if there wasn’t next album there wasn’t comeback and without comeback their fans would be sad and would continue to forget about them, feeling betrayed by something that really was not in their hands, blaming and cursing him for not being the leader he should be, for letting his group fall, for being unfair, for being an embarrassment to everything.

If only he could be stronger, if only he could have the last word, if only the agency believed in him, if only his fans trusted more in his decisions, if only they had a little faith...

The small smile he had had escaped his lips. He moved away from Junhoe's body and turned to the other side, the heart again heavy; stress and sadness winning once more; the anxiety devouring him.

 

    He was sitting in front of his bedroom window, grateful that he didn’t have to share with anyone in those days in Nagano. He wanted to dedicate himself to writing, he felt inspired, he had a beautiful view of the city and... he wanted to avoid thinking about what had happened at the concert (Bobby and his seductive image and his words and his touch and his look and... all of him).

He took a shower and put on comfortable clothes. He got his notebook out of the suitcase, still unpacked, and looked for a good position on the floor in front of the window, watching the cloudy sky, the rain beating against the window leaving only a blur of the city's buildings, and the fog that began to pawn the glass.

He spent about an hour when he finally started writing.

As always, Bobby was his inspiration again. And, although he didn’t want to continue writing so many sad songs —and even though he was supposed to not think about him—, he needed to do it, he couldn’t just keep everything, he couldn’t just eat every word he wanted to scream;If he did, one day he could explode and probably in the worst way .

In his songs, he spoke about the pain of seeing the person he loved to smile to and for someone else, about how many dreams would remain only in fantasies, about how much he wanted to hold his hand and intertwine his fingers and walk in the sun on the riverbank without the worry of being rejected.

He talked about the kisses that would never be given, about the unrequited hugs and the annoyed looks that seemed to shout ‘stay away’ and about those words that had done it, that had asked him to stop touching him, stop approaching.

He spoke about the guilt he felt for having fallen in love with the one who had offered his sincere friendship to him, the guilt for idealizing a love that couldn’t exist. About the nights of internal crying and those in which he could not contain it anymore and embraced himself, sinking into a corner away from all light.

About how he always pretended had an unbreakable image when the reality was completely different when everything inside was shattered and that, the smaller the pieces, the more pain they caused when cutting his interior.

He lay on his side on the floor, feeling he needed to go back to sleep to stop thinking.

He knew it wasn’t good to lose so much of himself for something he called love, but that was his way of being and there was not much he could do.

Why? Why do human beings suffer so much for something that should be beautiful, that should be pure, that should bring out the best in them, not sink into the darkest and most unpleasant of their interior?

Why did he have to be so sensitive that emotional pain became physical? Why did he have to be the kind of person who was okay in a minute and then spend a month feeling sorry for himself, for everything he couldn’t be and for everything he could never have?

He closed the notebook and his eyes. He thought about Junhoe and felt guilty again. How could he stop loving Bobby and start loving him when whenever he was alone was his hyung the one that encompassed every thought? Not only those sad and painful that filled his notebooks with songs that broke his heart when he read them again, but also those memories that came from time to time and overwhelmed him with longing, with a strange and warm happiness.

When he wrote a new song (not sad, not for Bobby) it was his hyung in the first one he thought of, wanting to show it to him and wait for his comments —but in the end he ended up sending it to Jaewon.

When he saw a new drama, a movie or read an interesting poem, or became obsessed with a manga or anime, it was Bobby that he wanted to bore by repeating the same thing over and over again.

If he was hungry and went to the convenience store, he would think about Bobby and what he would want to eat or how he would take away his meal and laugh with his mouth full, mocking him or laughing with him.

He had a big problem, he had known it for years, but how could he overcome that problem when he had to be with him at least once a day? And when, honestly, he had never wanted to stop doing it, forgetting had never really been in his plans.

 

“Hey, B.I., what are you doing lying there? You died? Give me your royalties if you did.”

Hanbin opened his eyes and sat down immediately, almost hitting Junhoe's thighs and groin; the younger had stood on top of him, his legs open at his sides.

“Juneyah! What are you doing here?”

Junhoe looked up at him, smirking.

“What I cannot be in my _boyfriend's_ room?”

Hanbin felt his face burn, Junhoe laughed nervously, his ears red.

“Okaaaay, that was weird. A word that is better to avoid, yes, better to be banned from our dictionary.” Junhoe scratched his head, moved from Hanbin and went to sit on the bed, telling him to do the same.“I was thinking that, since we have several days off, we could go to... a date. Morning.”

Hanbin, sitting next to the younger, stopped playing with the hem of his shirt and looked up, his cheeks flushed.

Junhoe had said a date? His heart beat faster. There was Junhoe's skill again, making him forget —even if only for a limited time.

 _I've never been on a date_ , he thought, unable to avoid smiling, tightening his lips, his cheekbones marked.

 “Where would you like to go?”

Junhoe grinned broadly, moved to stay in the middle of the bed and pulled Hanbin to his side, holding him by the waist.

Hanbin couldn’t help but be surprised by the behaviour of the younger. Junhoe touched him with ease as if he had always been accustomed to that level of closeness, to so easily pass someone's personal space, to caress in that way, when he was sure it hadn’t been like that, the younger had always been the least liked to be touched or touch.

Junhoe took out his phone and went to Naver, looking for a post he had saved.

‘15 things to do in Nagano,’ Hanbin read, smiling in disbelief.

Junhoe was really struggling to have a real relationship, not just hugs and kisses that calmed her lost mind in the past or caresses that anaesthetized his broken heart. No, when Junhoe had spoken about to date, he is referring to the complete package, but Hanbin had not understood until now.

He couldn’t prevent his smile filling with guilt. He knew that this would be a long process, that love was not something that disappeared after a night of sex and alcohol, and that Junhoe was still thinking about Jinhwan as much as he thought of Bobby, but he couldn't help it, to a heart like his, feelings like guilt or repentance could easily drown him.

 “I would like to go to Jigokudani to see the snow monkeys, but I probably confuse one of them with you and end up bringing the wrong B.I.”

Hanbin rolled his eyes before turning to strike at the boy, who laughed out loud and grabbed him by the wrists, twisting to keep him trapped between his body and the mattress. Junhoe kissed him, smiling when he noticed Hanbin resisted making a pout. The younger gave him soft kisses and called him a _grumpy monkey_. Hanbin shook himself to hit him, shouting a _yah!_ It died immediately, because as soon as he opened his mouth Junhoe took the opportunity to give him a deep kiss, introducing his tongue.

 “Stupid” Hanbin muttered against the boy's lips, cutting off the kiss.

Junhoe smiled, wrinkling his nose, and gave it a peck before returning to the position they had before.    

Hanbin tried to hide the astonishment in his gaze, nor would he have expected Junhoe to be the tender type or the one who took the initiative in a relationship. Would he be doing it for him, so that he felt freer to be himself so that he wouldn’t slow down with his sticky side or his skinship?

“Then, where do you want to go, B.I.?”

He rested his head on Junhoe's shoulder, sliding his finger across the screen of the younger's phone.

“I want to go to Togakushi, but I'm sure you don’t want to go for a walk, so...”

“Excuse me? I walk almost thirty kilometres per day, B.I., and only for pleasure” he said cocky, raising an eyebrow.

Hanbin looked up and smiled, excited to be able to go with someone (whom he wasn’t forcing).

“We can go to Nishi-no- Mon later” he suggested, not wanting to be the only one who got what he wanted. Hanbin wanted his dongsaeng to have fun too and had a good memory of that new first time.

Junhoe's eyes shone for a moment, then they seemed to hesitate, but Hanbin didn’t understand why.

“Sure? You don’t even drink.”

Hanbin shrugged.

“Not only sell sake, Hoe, also food.”

Junhoe nodded, meditating.

“Are you sure?”

“Hanbin rolled his eyes and hit him in the thigh.”

“Yes, Hoe, don’t make me mad.”

The younger returned the blow, Hanbin was going to hit him again, but Junhoe stopped him by grabbing his wrists.

“Stop fighting, B.I. Come, let's go to sleep.” Junhoe pull him toward him, causing Hanbin to fall on his chest. “You smell good,” he said before yawning and closing his eyes.

Hanbin moved closer to Junhoe's neck and closed his eyes, catching a slight scent of alcohol mixed with mint. He stroked Junhoe’s hair and closed his eyes, unable to prevent certain thoughts from crossing his mind.

 _What_ _would a date with Bobby be like?_ _Would he take me by the hand?_ _Would he hug me when no one sees?_ _Would he say goodbye to me with a kiss?_ _What would it be like to sleep by his side, embraced in this way, being something more than friends?_ _What would be his look upon awakening?_

_I'm sorry, Junhoe, I promise not to let these thoughts come when you're next to me._

_I'm sorry._

 

 

***

13 SEP AT 07:15 AM

 

BOBBY: r u ready?

DONG: Almost

BOBBY: palli!

DONG: what's the hurry?

BOBBY: I really want to

to go ski

It's been a long time since

we all go out together

Things that aren’t

for recordings

DONG: ahm

Hyung

We don’t go all together

BOBBY: 👀

DONG: Hanbin hyung and

Junhoe will not go

BOBBY: I thought we

would all go

DONG: 😣

 


	6. 6

B E S T   F R I E N D S

 

Six

 

_In where a name can hurt_

 

At seven in the morning, they left the hotel without their manager. Junhoe was more asleep than awake, Hanbin, on the other hand, was excited. A little time ago he had begun to enjoy hiking, he had discovered the peace that gave him and how he seemed to recover a little from all the stress, from all the sadness, when he let the pure mountain air fill his lungs.

Since he had started hiking he always did it alone. In the beginning, because he needed that solitude, to move away and gather all the broken parts of himself from time to time; then because none of the members had an interest in doing that kind of activity —at least not with him. Hanbin was still surprised, even after so many years, how similar and different they could be.

Maybe that's why he was very excited that Junhoe was there with him. Hanbin smiled when he heard him make a soft snore.

 _He even got up early_. Hanbin leaned back in his seat and turned to the window, seeing the beautiful landscape that Nagano offered him.

 

   Almost an hour later they got off the bus at the Togakushi-Chusha stop to take a route through the first sanctuary.

Hanbin was impressed with everything he saw, from the huge trees, the green foliage, the faint blue of the sky and the immaculate white of the clouds. He was felt in a period movie of samurais and ninjas, of honour and brotherhood. His eyes were wide open, wanting to cover as much as possible of the landscape, keep it in his memory and not forget a single detail.

“You look very happy,” Junhoe said.

Hanbin nodded without saying anything. When hiking, he liked to enjoy the silence of his voice, just hear the sounds of nature.

There were more people than Hanbin would have thought, but they all seemed to share the same way he thought. Except the youngest at his side, who couldn’t keep quiet for too long and every now and then said something.

Hanbin knew it wasn’t because Junhoe was bored or uncomfortable, but he really wanted to share with him what he was thinking, what the landscape made him feel, and how many poems he was inspired to write.

After two kilometres enjoying a subtle talk, they climbed a flight of stairs to reach the sanctuary, taking time calmly. Hanbin paid attention to everything, marvelling at the architecture of the place, the sculptures, the peace that was breathed. Junhoe took selfies everywhere, occasionally photographing Hanbin when he was careless.

            They took another bus to go to the next sanctuary since they could not be delayed in their schedules, and they started their walk again.

The temple was right at the bus stop, going up against some stairs; in one hour they concluded their visit and decided to stop to eat ice cream. Hanbin ordered one of chocolate, Junhoe one of vanilla.

“I love that,” Hanbin said, closing his eyes and raising his index finger, telling Junhoe with the gesture to listen. “The birds singing, the wind shaking the leaves of the trees ... I love it. It gives me so much peace.”

Junhoe nodded and closed his eyes too.

“I could live in such a place, a distant mountain, drinking whiskey and writing poems.”

“And singing loud till scare every animal that lives near you.” Hanbin laughed. “I could also live in a place like that.”

Junhoe rested his chin on his clenched hand, staring intently at Hanbin, causing him to open his eyes at the unequivocal sensation of being watched.

“Hey, let’s go to empty our bank accounts and flee to infinity and beyond. Can you imagine? Going around the world without worrying about anything.”

Hanbin smiled and shook his head.

Many times he had thought of running away, of having a new life away from all the stress, of all the pain, of all their fears, but at the end of the day, he knew he could never do that to his friends, to his fans. He had also thought about leaving Korea and travelling around the world, seeing all those places that he didn’t even imagine existed, meeting people completely different from him, learning a little about their languages and cultures. He and Bobby had talked about it many times before when his career was just beginning. They had even made a promise that Hanbin knew he would only have to carry out.

“Hm, you're a coward monkey.”

Hanbin rolled his eyes, moved one hand, hitting from below the younger’s elbow, causing the ice cream still held in the other hand to get smear on his face, immediately after Hanbin ran away, laughing hard no matter the glances of the people.

Junhoe caught up with him minutes later, squeezed him hard on the cheeks, making them red and forced him to share his ice cream, hugging him by the shoulders for the time necessary to finish it, earning a pout of the older.

“Where would you like to go? If we had a long vacation.”

Junhoe stared straight ahead, looking for a place to take a break before answering Hanbin. He led him through the trees to a secluded and almost empty area. Sunlight pierced with almost golden rays the gaps between the branches of the giant trees, the scent of green was intense.

Hanbin chose the tree under which to sit, Junhoe dropped down beside him, keeping a barely visible distance between them.

“I'm basic, I like Japan, there are so many things to see here.”

The older raised his eyebrows, knew enough about Junhoe loved that country, but would have wanted another kind of response.

“We are always in Japan.”

“Yeah, but we’re always busy. I like this, walk and enjoy and know, that's what I would do if we had vacations, would come back and take a loooong tour with Ji... I've been thinking about it before, in fact, I've planned it before.” He laughed softly, looking up at the sky.

Hanbin rested his head on Junhoe’s shoulder, realizing that since some time, he liked that position very much.

“I wanna go to Europe. I wanna go to America. I wanna go to Australia. I wanna go to Africa. I wanna know all those places that I only know from movies, by images by people who tell me how incredible it’s to be in those places and see the world from another perspective.”

“You’re gonna go to each and every one of those places, B.I., just wait for a little.”

Both closed their eyes at the same time, relaxed by the cooing of the wind and the tranquillity they enjoyed at those moments.

 

 

            Junhoe was angry. Very angry. His gesture said it all, but Hanbin was not going to apologize. They had eaten lunch after the ice cream in one of the restaurants near the second temple, and they had agreed not to eat anything until they went to Nishi-no- mon , but when they reached the third temple, Junhoe had begun to say that he wanted to eat the ramen from a place they had passed through, that it wasn’t necessary to go to the sake shop, ‘a waste of time,’ he had said. Hanbin had refused, he wanted things to go well, for Junhoe to enjoy his sake, to have a nice dinner eating something different, talking calmly, and to end the night with both happy for their first date. The really fucking first date.

But no, Junhoe was the most immature when something bothered him.

With a mad gesture, Junhoe sat on the side of the bus’ window to go back to the city, evading Hanbin. The older squinted up, put on his headphones and began to waste time on his phone. He read a message that Yunhyeong had sent an hour ago to the CG, but he didn’t answer. His eyes stopped at Jaewon's messages; the insistent messages of Jaewon.

 

***

03 SEP AT 09:55 AM

 

Jaewonnie ^^:

Hey

Hanbinnie

Don’t do this

Don’t leave me hanging

 

04 SEP AT 07:15 AM

Jaewonnie ^^:

Tell me u're still

alive at least

 

05 SEP AT 03:15 AM

Jaewonnie ^^:

I'm worried

Please answer

07 SEP AT 06:45 PM

Jaewonnie ^^:

Okay

I’ll give u ur time.

But u know u can trust ur hyung

right?

 

10 SEP AT 08:29 PM

Jaewonnie ^^:

Hello

According to the ur fans’ videos, u're fine

Do u plan to answer someday?

 

12 SEP AT 04:50 AM

Jaewonnie ^^:

I thought I was ur bff 😔

Tell me what I did!

 

13 SEP AT 07:02 PM

Jaewonnie ^^:

Have u been eating well?

u look very thin in photos

Hanbin: Aló

Jaewonnie ^^:

OMG U R STILL ALIVE! 😭

Thank God

Why the hell didn’t answer me?

Hanbin:

^^

Imsorryhyung

Ihad

Ihave

IguessIstillhave

Muchtothink

ButwhenIreturnoKoreawe-

gonnatalk

Jaewonnie ^^:

when?

Use spaces punk

Hanbin:

no

afterosaja

inaweek

Jaewonnie ^^:

okay

Im gonna wait for u

Fightin

 

***

 

In Nishi-no-mon, they ate in silence, too tired and hungry to want to talk. Junhoe was still in his dog angry mood, drinking glass after glass of sake as if it was water. Hanbin kept eating, ignoring him because he was perfectly good at doing that. He wasn’t the type that low his head and apologized to others so they could feel good, much less knowing he hadn’t done anything wrong, which was absolutely the case.

That didn’t mean he wasn’t sad about the way things had taken. A perfect and pleasant first date had become... that. A stressful and uncomfortable dinner in which he knew Junhoe would end up getting drunk and then fall asleep sulking.

He texted one of his managers to pick them up knowing he couldn’t get alone with Junhoe when he lost consciousness, and he kept eating, ignoring that Junhoe was looking less and less towards him.

 _The first date and the first fight, what fun_ , he thought sarcastically.

 

    “Let me help you.” Jaeho tried to pull Junhoe's arm around his shoulders, but the younger clung to Hanbin again. “Always a baby. A giant baby. Too heavy.”

Hanbin laughed at the accurate comparison.

“Don't worry, hyung, I'll take him to my room, just help me open the door.”

His manager nodded.

They left the elevator, there was no one in the hall. Hanbin held Junhoe by the waist, while Junhoe held him by the shoulders, walking with unsteady steps. As soon as the litres and litres of alcohol had made a dent in his body, Junhoe had forgotten that he was angry with his leader, so Hanbin did too. He didn’t hold grudges. No longer.

One of the doors opened, Donghyuk and Bobby left a room just as Junhoe decided to give Hanbin a kiss on the head, muttering he didn’t want to go to sleep yet.

“Woah, hyung, were you Junhoe's drinking buddy?” Donghyuk asked Hanbin.

“No, I ate while he drank.”

Hanbin felt another kiss on the head, Junhoe babbled something unintelligible.

“The customs really stick,” Donghyuk said, “the same habits as Jinhwan hyung.”

Hanbin nodded without knowing what Donghyuk was talking about, he never drinks with Jinhwan.

He looked at Bobby when he felt his insistent gaze. He smiled at him, pressing his mouth in a thin line. Bobby cocked his head, his gaze serious, his arms crossed over his chest. Hanbin received a new kiss on the head, Junhoe laughed at something only he understood.

They went to his room saying goodbye at the others with a gesture. Jaeho opened the door and followed him inside, helping him to put Junhoe on the bed, take off his shoes and pants, and cover him with the soft cover.

“You want me to stay, Hanbinah?”

“No, hyung, don’t worry, he's so drunk he will not cause problems anymore.”

His manager nodded and left the room. Hanbin glanced at Junhoe before going to shower.

 

***

ItsBabi

@ OrNah

**Havd u felt ur chest hurts, but u don’t want to admit why?**

01:51 AM Sep 14, 2017 · Twitter for Android

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ItsBabi

@ OrNah

**I hate feeling sad, irritated, angry**

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ItsBabi

@ OrNah

**I hate this. I can’t feel this way**

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@ OrNah

**How many glasses of vodka do I need to return?**

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***

 

            Hanbin woke up when he felt a hand get in his pyjamas, holding his member firmly. His breath escaped as the hand began to move up and down in his length and wet kisses ran down his neck.

“Ju... June, what are you doing?”

The younger mumbled something that Hanbin didn’t understand, apparently still drunk, but aware enough to be excited. Hanbin could feel the younger's erection pounding against his ass.

He felt a bite, more kisses, more caresses and suddenly he was under the naked body of Junhoe, legs spread, receiving strong thrusts that made him moan and cry for not having been prepared. It was the most painful pleasure he had experienced. But perhaps more than the pain Junhoe caused him at penetrating him, was the one that filled his chest when he saw him squeeze his eyes and murmur a name that was not his own.

 

He still wasn’t enough for someone else.

 

   With trembling legs and a sore body, Hanbin got up from bed the next morning to take a shower.

He frowned when he saw his appearance in front of the mirror. He had visible marks everywhere: bites on the neck and shoulders, bruises on the hips where Junhoe had clung to him too hard, hickeys on his torso and neck. It was so rough and painful. He felt ashamed of himself for having come to feel pleasure, for having cum even though Junhoe had been continued to call out for someone else.

Another look of his body through the mirror, ignoring the almost grotesque marks of his hips, Hanbin observed his skin, the shape of his shoulders, the width of his arms, of his hips; then he looked back at his face, at the angles of his features, his long nose, his big tired eyes... And he meditated the same thing over and over again. Did Junhoe really find him attractive? Even a little? Those few days he had behaved so naturally to him, hugging and kissing him as if they had been a couple for a very long time as if it wasn’t strange to caress him as if it was born from him to really do it, but... How much had it really cost Junhoe give each kiss? How much had he forced himself to hug him and smile like that? How long had it taken Junhoe to convince himself to go out with Hanbin, to pretend so well?

_Junhoe should be an actor._

He breathed deeply before getting under the shower, giving the water permission to take away every trace of a night he wished he never remembered again.

 

   He put on sports pants and a long-necked shirt to cover the marks, he wasn’t going to leave his room all day, but it was necessary to take some precautions.

When he left the bathroom, Junhoe woke up. He sat up disquiet, looking everywhere in the room.

“Jinhwan hyung…”

Hanbin cleared his throat.

“I'm sorry, it's just me.”

Junhoe paled. With his mouth open and his eyes bulging, he looked at Hanbin.

“Fuck!” The younger muttered under his breath.

Funny, Junhoe always cursed after realizing the imprudence that he committed under the influence of alcohol.

Hanbin clenched his mouth in a smile that of course didn’t reach his eyes and he forced himself to try to walk properly, but the pain in his hips and ass was too strong. If he hadn’t crawled from the bathroom to the bed it was just for two things: one, he had dignity in spite of everything; and two, he didn’t want to worry his dongsaeng.

Junhoe frowned when he saw him bite his lip because of a sharp pang of pain that went up to his back. The boy jumped up, ignoring his nakedness, and ran to help Hanbin.

“I'm sorry, I... Yesterday…”

Hanbin shook his head.

“Don't worry, Hoe.”

Junhoe helped him to lie on his stomach, the blame notorious in his eyes.

“I'm sorry, Hanbin.”

The older closed his eyes, feeling sleepy again even though he had less than an hour to wake up.

“No, don’t apologize. Let me sleep, ok?”

Junhoe stroked his hair before walking away to put on his clothes and leave the room, telling him he would come back later, after bathing. Hanbin muttered a quiet ‘mm’ before falling asleep, thinking that everything felt like a _déjà vu._

 

            He listened in his sleep to the knock on the door, but he was so tired that he ignored the noise and continued sleeping.

He heard his name being called in desperate cries, but he still didn’t want to wake up. _Not today_ , he was said between dreams, _today I just want to stop thinking._

A hand that shook him slightly from his shoulder made him open his eyes, turned to lie on his back, forgetting that he was hurt.

A whimper escaped his lips.

“Hanbinnie, what's wrong? You're ok? Hanbinnie.”

The fog cleared from the road and Hanbin could see the faint features of the one in front of him. Bobby

“Hanbinnie, what's wrong? Are you hurt? Sick? Do I take you to the doctor?” Bobby had already discovered the quilt, putting his hands under his back and legs, ready to carry him.

Hanbin finally overcame the last trace of sleep, opened his eyes wide and shook his head repeatedly.

“Hyung, no, calm down.”

Bobby anyway carried him with inhuman ease.

Hanbin clung to his hyung, didn’t want to think about how much it would hurt his ass if he fell.

“Are you sure? Why are you so lightweight? You haven’t been eating well.”

“Bobby hyung, please, could you put me down?”

Hanbin was completely uncomfortable with the situation, Bobby's face was too close to him, he could feel his breath hitting his cheek, his hands holding him firmly against his body, but without hurting him in the least. He needed to get down now or his body was going to take control of himself and act in a way he shouldn’t.

Hanbin looked down, avoiding eye contact.

“Hanbinnie, what's wrong? Tell me what to do, Hanbinnie. I don’t like seeing you like that.”

‘Hanbinnie. Hanbinnie. Hanbinnie’. Why did Bobby have to repeat his name so much with that tone and that look? Hanbin didn’t know what to do, what to respond, how to act.

Before he could speak the door opened.

“Bobby hyung?”

Bobby turned toward the door, still holding Hanbin in his arms.

“Juneyah, tell Jaeho hyung to prepare a car to take Hanbinnie to the hospital…”

“Bobby hyung, no, it's not necessary,” Hanbin replied at once.

“But you seemed to be suffering even when you were asleep,” complained the older, he really looked dismayed.

Hanbin caught a glimpse of the little jolt of Junhoe.

“Mmm, hyung, B.I. is like that because of me, so I'll take care of him.”

Bobby's eyes sharpened, getting smaller, as he listened to the younger and shooting him a murderous look. Hanbin swallowed, that was not a gesture Bobby used to show.

“What did you do to him?”

His tone was so cold, Hanbin was surprised that Bobby forgot all the discomfort he felt towards the boy.

“He threw me out of bed. Yesterday June was very drunk, it was not his intention. I hit me with the drawer, but I'm fine, I just need to rest. Can you put me down now, hyung?”

Bobby ducked his head to see his eyes, Hanbin felt hot cheeks. It should be a sin to have such beautiful eyes and such a sincere look. How had he done to change his murderous gesture to a tender one in just a second?

Bobby gave him a small smile and put him very carefully on the bed.

“Turn, I'm gonna check the blow.” 

Hanbin felt panic, could not let Bobby find all the marks that Junhoe had made him.

“No, don’t worry, hyung, Junhoe already checked me, it's nothing serious, really, I just want to take a rest.”

He smiled trying to convince Bobby.

The older nodded with a smile, moving Hanbin’s hair without taking the eyes off of his. Hanbin felt his heart would stop beating at any moment. He shook internally, he couldn’t be thinking like that knowing that Junhoe was still there, behind them. Even if the younger had been thinking about someone else while fucking him, Hanbin still felt bad for having those thoughts.

Also, how to blame Junhoe? He had been very drunk at the time.

“I can stay?” Bobby asked. “We can watch movies and eat ramen and Pringles. I can give you a massage to relieve the pain.” He moved his hand, stroking Hanbin's side.

Hanbin felt his cheeks burn, his skin bristling immediately at the touch. Why did Bobby have to behave like that right now?

“Bobby hyung, are not you going out with Donghyuk? When I came here he was waiting for you in the lobby.”

Hanbin returned to his tight-mouthed smile.

“Don't worry, hyung, I'm fine.”

 “I'll stay, so you can go, Bobby hyung.”

 

***

14 SEP AT 09:55 AM

 

DONG:

Hyung where r u?

we gonna be late

BOBBY:

If I say i can’t go

would u get angry at?

DONG:

Hyyyyuuuuunnnnggg ☹️

BOBBY:

Just kidding I'm on

my way

 

***

ItsBabi

@ OrNah

**I wanted to stay with him.**

10:52 AM Sep 14, 2017 · Twitter for Android

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ItsBabi

@ OrNah

**I feel disgusted every time I see them together ...**

10:55 AM Sep 14, 2017 · Twitter for Android

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ItsBabi @ OrNah · Now

 **Why does he make me feel alert?** **Why do I dislike seeing them together?**

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ItsBabi @ OrNah · Now

 **Why re u always with him?** **Not do u hav N**i all for you?**

 

ItsBabi

@OrNah

**Aghhhhhhh I hate this**

10:59 AM Sep 14, 2017 · Twitter for Android

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***

14 SEP AT 11:19 AM

 

 

 

HAN:

Hi.

BOBBY:

Hi.

HAN:

I will not go to Osaka

BOBBY:

It's okay

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Teehee...^^
> 
> I came back soon, I need to take advantage of the free time I have in my work to translate since I can do it for now in my house —broken lap—.  
> Maybe this chapter isn't what you were expecting when JunBin planned their date, I'm sorry but yeah, all the story has its way so...  
> Don't hate Junhoe please (although I think you don't hate him I need to say this).
> 
> Thanks for spending your time reading this, love u ♥ chokokissus^^


	7. 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Teehee^^ I'm back again...
> 
> Hope u like it a little^^
> 
> *Sorry if it isn't what you're expecting.
> 
> **Oh, and there will be a 'special chapter?' With Junhoe's Pov after the next one. And Bobby's Pov's too but in a different chapter ;)

B E S T   F R I E N D S

 

Seven

 

_In where he feels love and remorse_

 

Junhoe approached at him with a gesture full of regret. Hanbin tried to smile at him, but the boy shook his head; He looked embarrassed.

“Sorry. I’m so sorry. I'm truly sorry.”

Hanbin sighed and immediately shook his head; he didn’t want his dongsaeng to act that way. he didn’t want to see that regret in his eyes.

He wasn’t going to deny that he had felt bad, hurt, for what had happened —it was something he didn't want to be repeated, that he didn't even want to remember— but that didn't mean he didn't understand the younger.

Hanbin knew perfectly well what feelings Junhoe fought against; He was in the same situation. And, although it hurt for him to feel he was not enough, he understood. Because he also had given his heart to someone else. Even if he had been offended by every touch, every kiss, every hug he knew now had been forced, he still could not blame the boy. He had no right. Even less with what had happened the night before. Junhoe had been too drunk to know what he was doing, maybe in the middle of his dreams Jinhwan had appeared and that's why things had ended that way.

“Stop ducking your head, you have nothing to feel bad about.”

Junhoe looked hurt with that response.

“I hurt you. How can I not feel bad?”

Hanbin denied, but he didn't insist. It was best to leave the matter behind as soon as possible. That's how things worked easier, throwing painful memories into oblivion, right?

“What do you have in that bag? _¿Choco_ _cone?”_ Said the older, trying to deflect the subject.

Junhoe seemed to realize he was carrying something with him. He smiled awkwardly, a smile completely lacking in joy.

Hanbin bit the inside of his lip, feeling angry with himself: this was the scenario he wanted to avoid, Junhoe and him feeling uncomfortable or guilty or sad or hurt... More broken.

“I'm sorry, I didn't even think about that... They are painkillers and... an ointment.” As he said the last word, he seemed more embarrassed. “It's for... haemorrhoids, but it sure can relieve your pain, it's anaesthetic”.

Hanbin's face burned as he understood. The boy asked him to turn around to check it and help him to apply the ointment; Hanbin flatly refused. After a little argument and a lot more of regretful looks from Junhoe, Hanbin let him do it, throwing away what little dignity he had left.

He closed his eyes when he felt how his shirt was lifted, his body tensing up as if waiting for a blow, his hands clenched into fists. He tightened his eyes at hearing the curse that Junhoe released followed by multiple ‘I'm sorry’ that didn't seem to end.

Hanbin wanted to cry. He wanted Junhoe to move away from him now, to leave him alone. But he didn't say anything. Biting his lip, he endured each intimate movement of the younger, imagining that he was far away.

  The next day, Hanbin woke up less in pain, but more worried now about the marks on his body. He took a couple of painkillers stretching his hand to reach a bottle of water that was on the side of the bed. Immediately after, he searched in his phone some method to eliminate the marks, something more effective than just using makeup.

He was lying on his stomach, going from one page to another in Naver when there was a knock on the door.

He got up carefully and tried to walk as normal as possible. Yunhyeong, Chanwoo and Jaeho manager were waiting on the other side.

“Ahm, hyung, you should be ready, you couldn’t take breakfast,” said Chanwoo as he entered the room.

Immediately after Yunhyeong began to complain.

“Hanbinah, are you just  waking up?” He rolled his eyes and punched his arm. “Everyone is ready, we needed to come because you haven’t go. Well, neither you nor Bobbyah, but Bobbyah is hungover, I already forced him to take a shower…”

Hanbin returned to his bed and, taking a deep breath, sat down as if he felt no pain, maintaining a perfect mask of seriousness.

“I’m not gonna go.”

The three who had just entered stared at him, Chanwoo almost pouting.

“Why not, Hanbinah?” Jaeho asked. “Are you still sore?”

Hanbin leaned back, yawning and covering himself with the blanket, nodding slowly.

“I prefer to stay to rest.”

Yunhyeong approached immediately, Hanbin knew that with the intention of check on him. He tightened the blanket, covering himself more.

“I'm fine, hyung, Junhoe brought me painkillers, don't worry, you guys go to have fun.”

Yunhyeong sat on the edge of the bed, patting the boy's head. Hanbin smiled at him, but he felt bad when he saw that sad and resigned gesture that his hyung dedicated to him as if that was nothing new. _Maybe I have disappointed them a lot_.

It was true, this wasn't the first time that Hanbin refused to go out with them. He had been making excuses for a long time, because for some reason that seemed easier than seeing how everyone, except him, seemed to have someone with whom they had a stronger bond. Yunhyeong had Chanwoo, Jinhwan had Junhoe and Donghyuk had Bobby, while Hanbin... Hanbin was the leftover, the only joker in a complete poker deck. Of course everyone got along and had fun together, but always, there was always a point where, even when they were together, they separated in pairs and Hanbin ended up alone again, looking from one side to the other, remembering the time when Bobby was another joker and not an ace of diamonds.

“Take a rest, you have to be fine for tomorrow,” Jaeho said, also coming to his side and putting a hand on his forehead. “Sure you're okay? You seem to have a fever.”

Immediately Yunhyeong pressed a hand to Hanbin’s forehead. Chanwoo, with his arms crossed over his chest, inclined his body to see him among his hyungs.

Hanbin nodded putting that well-known grin of him and said goodbye to them.

 

***

15 SEP AT 11:15 AM

BOBBY:

hey

Uhm

u still feel bad

?

Hanbinnie👾:

Hyung...

Not that bad

don’t worry

BOBBY:

sure?

Then y u not gonna go?

Hanbinnie👾:

^^

‘cause I don't

feel

good

At all

to go

But

really

don’t worry

BOBBY:

mmm

can I stay with u?

Hanbinnie👾:

No

It’s not

necessary

BOBBY: okie

***

 

ItsBabi

@ OrNah

 **I'm not** **necessary 😞**

11:20 AM Sep 15, 2017 · Twitter for Android

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***

 

“Did you see what I left in your room, Hanbinnie?”

Hanbin looked up to see at whom had called him. As soon as he heard the question he smiled even if he wanted to not do it, his cheekbones almost hiding his eyes.

“Yes, hyung, thank you, you didn't have to.”

Bobby laughed loudly and ruffled the boy’s hair, giving him that smile that Hanbin liked so much. Bobby shone so brightly that sometimes it was hard to look at him, but it was much harder to stop doing it.

They were in the lobby, about to go to the concert rehearsal. For some strange reason, they had been the first to be there; something unusual in both.

“Did you eat something from what I bought to you?”

Hanbin blushed a little and nodded.

When he had woken up that morning, he had found a note from Bobby on the side of his bed that said: ‘Look in the refrigerator :)’. Hanbin had not even hesitated, he had quickly come up and opened the refrigerator door to find a huge slice of tiramisu, three _choco_ _cones_ and a bottle of his favourite strawberry milk. His heart had throbbed so fast and his face had felt so hot; only Bobby was able to cause him that kind of happiness with an action that might seem so simple in the eyes of others, but to him, it was so significant.

“Ow, Hanbinnie is embarrassed.”

Bobby laughed more, hugging him by the shoulders and pinching his cheek. Hanbin felt his heart thundering in his ears, was so long ago since Bobby didn't approach him like that. His face was so close that Hanbin could just rise a little, just a little and his lips would connect.

Of course, he didn't. He just watched him smile.

“Do you feel better?” Bobby asked, leaving behind the huge smile to dedicate a more tender smile, his face still too close, his eyes still too bright.

Hanbin felt his cheeks tingle, he was sure he was blushing. He wanted to move away from a little, but Bobby placed a hand on his neck, stroking his hair with soft —probably unconscious— movements, sending sparks of electricity all over his body.

Hanbin cleared his throat.

“Yeah, Bobby hyung…”

“Guys, you can get on the van, the rest is coming,” Jaeho said, interrupting Hanbin without realizing it.

“Okay, hyung,” Bobby said, dragging Hanbin with him.

Bobby let Hanbin climb first and immediately after he sat down next to him. The leader's stomach tightened, not understanding why Bobby was being this way, like... like he used to be before.

Hanbin bit the inside of his cheek when he felt Bobby's arm return to his shoulders. His skin was so warm, even though the clothes he could feel it. Hanbin would have liked to wear a lightweight short-necked shirt and not the thick turtleneck shirt he wore, but he hadn’t had a choice, he hadn’t been able to completely get rid of the marks on his neck the previous day;

his only option not to be discovered was to steal makeup from the staff and make up his neck in the bathroom before the stylists began their work after the general rehearsal.

Bobby started telling him what they had done the previous day, making him laugh with this or that anecdote and showing him photos he had taken because ‘they were things that Hanbin would have liked to see’.

He was about to show him a new video when the door of the van opened. They both looked up, meeting Junhoe, behind him was Jinhwan and Donghyuk.

Hanbin swallowed, his hands began to sweat. It wasn't good, that wasn't right. Bobby kept hugging him, his other hand, holding the phone, was practically on his thigh. What would Junhoe think?

 _Shit_ , he cursed mentally. He knew it wasn't like Junhoe _really_ cared what he did or who he was with, but they were in a relationship anyway and he wanted to be straight with his actions.

Junhoe raised his chin a little in greeting and went straight to sit behind them without saying a word.

“Oh, Bobby hyung, I thought you were not here yet... Well, Jinani hyung, will you go in this van?”

“Obviously, Dong,” the older man said, making a gesture of obviousness that was notorious even on his sunglasses. “Go ahead before they leave you.”

Donghyuk pouted at being pushed by the older of the group, turned around at Bobby and Hanbin and smiled tenderly and widely, seemed too happy. He said goodbye with a gesture of his hand.

Jinhwan turned to both rappers, his frown seemed to pucker.

“Why do you look so bright? Aish, let someone turn off the day.”

Hanbin clenched his hands into fists, trying to think of something to say, but all he had in his head was a little voice shouting: ‘You're being very obvious, stay away from Bobby now or everyone is going discover you.’

“It's our nature, hyung, is not it, Hanbinnie?”

The older of the group passed by on one side, hitting Bobby on the back of the neck and dropping to the side of Junhoe, leaning his head on his shoulder.

“«Hanbinnie, Hanbinnie, Hanbinnie» is all you can say. Ugh, Hanbin, you must have gone with us yesterday, this imbecile kept saying all the time: «Hanbinnie likes this, Hanbinnie likes that. Hanbinnie would surely have wanted this, Hanbinnie would not have liked that.» We were fed up.”

Hanbin looked at Bobby, who turned his look to the front, moving his eyes quickly to all sides.

“Yah! Jinan hyung, I wasn't bothering all day. I wasn't, Hanbinnie.” He seemed to bite his tongue at say the name of his dongsaeng once more. “Just, I really wanted you to go... You know, we haven’t been together somewhere for centuries, something that has nothing to do with recordings or music or anything like that. Huh, it will be another day, right?”

He had exploded, surely Hanbin's heart had exploded with those words. He swallowed hard, pressed his mouth, not wanting to smile, but there was nothing to do, he was so happy. That was the gift and the curse of Bobby, a word of his was enough to raise him to heaven or throw him without considerateness into hell.

He lowered his head, smiling. Bobby hugged him harder, making Hanbin lean on him and continued with his stories all the way.

   Hanbin wanted to talk to Junhoe, to say something to him, although he was sure he didn't need to explain anything, because obviously, Junhoe wasn't jealous —with no romantic feelings involved it was impossible that there were, and it was too clear that the younger didn't feel anything like that for him. The problem was that... Well, Bobby had not taken off from his side. Which on the one hand was fantastic because Bobby had not talked about Hanuel in all day, nor had he left him to answer some message or call from her, which had made Hanbin so comfortable at his side, without feeling broke —¿since how it didn't happen?

Bobby was acting with overwhelming normality, like the old Bobby who joked with him or talked to him about meaningless things or listened to him with infinite attention, looking into his eyes without blinking. Or staring at anything, but leaning towards him, showing him that even without seeing him all his attention was for him.

But, there was always a but, and this time, for Hanbin there were two: One was Junhoe, the other, the makeup he needed to steal to hide the evidence that reminded him of the existence of the first.

  

At the end of the rehearsal, Hanbin had to run to get away from Bobby, taking advantage that Donghyuk call to the latter; something that hurt deep in his chest —he didn't know when he would be so close to the one who had been his best friend— but that was necessary.

He entered in the dressing room, cluelessly he taking a bottle of makeup, and ran to the bathroom. He locked the door, took a shower in five minutes and began to apply the cold liquid with cold hands to the skin of his neck.

“B.I., open the door.”

Hanbin stiffened for a second, the next moment he regained a bit of calm.

“I'm alone, don't worry.”

He hid behind the door, opening it slowly. Junhoe stuck his head out, pressed his mouth in a line, probably pretending to smile, and went into the bathroom. Hanbin locked the door immediately.

“Do you really think that nobody will notice that you wear makeup? You're terrible at this, ugly monkey.”

Hanbin narrowed his eyes, giving him a kick in response.

The younger moved to the sink, took a towel and moistened it a little. He made Hanbin lean against the sink, took a little of cream that smeared on the skin of the older and began to remove makeup from his neck slowly.

“Hoe, we don't have all day.”

Junhoe didn't seem to hear Hanbin because of the way he ignored him, continuing with his leisurely movements. Hanbin looked up at the ceiling, clenching his fists at his sides without realizing it.

The minutes passed in silence. Hanbin had wanted to approach his dongsaeng during the past hours to talk, but now that he was in front of him, he couldn’t even see him. In his mind always ready to make storms in a glass of water, he felt he was being unfaithful.

The funny thing was that he felt he was being unfaithful to two people. At Bobby for dating someone else when he was the only one he loved. At Junhoe for being with Bobby, enjoying his company and his smiles, fueling those deep feelings that he was supposed to leave behind.

Hanbin knew well who he loved, but he also knew well who he treasured enough not to want to hurt him, not wanting to create discomfort that would lead to a separation that left both with more injuries than they already carried; because losing a friend will always be as painful as losing a lover and Hanbin felt that that was exactly what was happening with him and Junhoe.

What could he do to avoid it when the first collapse had happened when he least expected it?

“Ready,” Junhoe said. “Do you see the difference between doing things right and not the shit you had done?”

Hanbin turned to look in the mirror, Junhoe had really done a good job. The marks were completely invisible and the makeup was barely noticeable.

“Where did you learn to do this?”

Junhoe exhaled, standing at his side to wash his hands.

“You aren’t the first member to have a relationship.”

Hanbin frowned to immediately open his eyes sadly.

“Have you even done that for him?”

The boy chuckled.

“As if it wasn't something you would do for Bobby hyung.”

Hanbin swallowed, ducked his head, looking at his hands, remembering the pack of condoms that had fallen that night from Bobby's bag.

_Right, I would do that and more for you... How stupid we are._

“Thanks,” Hanbin muttered and turned around, taking his shirt of the floor.

He bit his lip, wanting to push back that tide of sadness that was coming upon him, but he was a tiny being, he could never win against the dark and cold waters inside him that rose like giant waves ready to devour him.

“No, B.I., I'm sorry, I…”

Hanbin opened the door, let out his breath and turned to smile at his dongsaeng.

“Don't take long, you always give problems to the noonas.”

  Hanbin got out of the van and the first thing he saw was a group of fans waiting for them outside the airport.

They were going to Osaka, to the last presentation of that month. Three fan meetings the next day and they would go home to continue for two weeks with the production of the album, then, back to Japan.

Hanbin had things to discuss with Sajangnim, such as the fact that Hanbin was still  without accepting that Goodbye Road was the right song to do the comeback, and, that release the album until March was a very distant date, how did the agency want to give such dislike to his fans when they always give them so much?

He tightened his mouth, they also had to record the MV arriving in Korea, change steps in the choreography that had not been approved and re-insist on _Sarangeul Haetta._

Hanbin felt an arm rub against his back, his skin bristling as he felt a big hand on his waist. He turned to the right, toward where he felt a body-too familiar-pressing against his.

Once again he fell under Bobby's spell. His hyung wore dark glasses, a plain white T-shirt and a black jacket, his hair falling on the sides of his face and a satisfied smile that made Hanbin believed —he wanted to believe— that Bobby wanted to seduce him. Also, he smelled so good. Hanbin really loved Bobby's natural aroma.

Bobby ran his fingers through his hair in the sexiest and most natural gesture.

Hanbin swallowed, his mouth half open, his eyes sheltered behind the sunglasses that he was grateful to have decided to wore.

“What happens? You've been frowning all day.”

Bobby pressed Hanbin’s forehead with his index finger, his smile was still there, like that hand on his waist that only loosened the grip to descend to his hip. Hanbin shook the mental image —too real— of Bobby trapping him against the van, pressing the full weight of his body against Hanbin’s and kissing him so passionately that breathing was no longer necessary.

He cleared his throat, growling internally for having such a big imagination.

“I was thinking about what I have to do when I get back home.”

Bobby stopped touching his forehead to squeeze his cheek causing Hanbin to let out a soft moan.

“Cute.” Bobby smiled, raising the hand on Hanbin's hip to his shoulders. “Everything will be fine, Hanbinnie. Look, let's do what sajangnim wants, let's record the MV, but let's talk to him, I assured you that we will get it.”

Hanbin smiled sweetly.

“We? Will you join me?”

“Of course, I will not leave you alone.”

Something warm stirred inside Hanbin, something that should be increasingly cold, more dead, but that seemed to grow bigger, filled with more life and multiplied hundreds of times each time Bobby approached him with that confidence.

_Why are you always like this when we are in Japan?_

    It was something inexplicable, even in the time they were still best friends, Bobby had always seemed more comfortable approaching Hanbin when they were in Japan. He hugged and caressed him more freely, as when they had been trainers and he got up in the middle of the night just to go to his bed and sleep next to him, leaving not a single space between them. Hanbin really missed that time. It had been on one of those nights that they cuddled each other tightly, that Hanbin had realized that the feelings he had for Bobby were completely different from what he had for the rest of the world.

  Bobby dragged him by his side all over the airport, preventing him from leaving whenever he tried. He made Hanbin take his arm, while Bobby had his hands tucked into the pockets of his pants.

Hanbin felt embarrassed. When he was who started the skinship, walking that way was no problem, but when Bobby did, Hanbin felt butterflies in his stomach that rose to his throat.

He saw his reflection in the glass walls of the airport and was ashamed of his image. He looked like a shy girlfriend walking on the arm of his masculine and too-good-to-be-true boyfriend.

The cameras' flashes and shouts of their fans reminded him to keep his composure. He faked a serious and hard gesture, but could not help to smile warmly from time to time.

  



	8. 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, añio...
> 
> Sorry if I took more time to update, I wanted to do it last week but time passed so fast and at the end of the week I didn't translate the chapter so I did it today teehee^^!
> 
> I hope u like it a bit.
> 
> Thanks for read♥

 

 

> B E S T  F R I E N D S

 

Eight

 

_In where everything starts to fall apart_

 

  Hanbin felt dead from fatigue. Although he had enjoyed every presentation, three rounds in a single day were too much.

They would not even have time to rest enough, the flight left early in the morning and the first thing they had to do when arriving in Korea was to attend a feedback meeting of the presentations made so far, or, in other words, possible reprimands for errors committed during the concerts, in addition to a review to see the interaction that there was of their fans in SNS.

With parsimonious steps, he climbed into the van and closed his eyes, falling asleep at once.

 

“Hanbinah, wake up, we're at the hotel.”

Hanbin opened his eyelids slowly, moving away from the dream world with difficulty. Yunhyeong gave him a smile and helped him out of the van.

Hanbin yawned enormously, his eyes as heavy as if he had concrete blocks on his eyelids, which were struggling to keep open and to be closing. His head began to ache from not having been able to continue sleeping when it was what he needed most at that time.

“You look very bad!” Yunhyeong grabbed his arm to keep him a little stable.

“Yunhyeong, let me help.”

Hanbin turned immediately when he heard Junhoe's voice.

“It's hyung, punk,” Yunhyeong growled.

Junhoe rolled his eyes, carefully, approached Hanbin and held him by the waist.

Unable to avoid it, Hanbin cringed at the younger's touch, leaning more towards Yunhyeong.

“Hanbinah, you need to eat and sleep more, take vitamins, rest a little. We’re also tired, hell, of course, we are, but... You look as if you were gonna faint at any second.”

Hanbin tried to smile at his hyung, but he gave him a look so severe, that all he could do was a nod.

“You too, Junhoe, already stop drinking so much, you'll end up being one of those alcoholic artists who destroy their careers for a vice.”

“Yah, Yunhyeong... hyung, I'm not an alcoholic, I just like to drink.”

“I do not see any difference between drinking every day ‘for pleasure’ to drink every day for being so addicted that you can not survive without a single drink.”

“There is a clear and big difference between what you are saying, Yunhyeong... hyung.”

Hanbin didn’t say anything, but he also wanted Junhoe to drink less, because although the younger was right in a certain way —he only drank because he liked to do it and not because he was controlled by drinking— it was also true that the line between a pleasure and a vice was very fine and, if Junhoe continued in that way, soon would cross.

They arrived at Hanbin's room with both Yunhyeong and Junhoe still arguing about the same issue, neither of them wanted to accept the other's words as true.

“Thanks, see ya, remember to be on time to go to the airport.”

Hanbin passed the magnetic card to open the door, smiling at his friends shortly before entering.

Junhoe entered behind him, leaving Yunhyeong talking to himself.

“Hey” Junhoe, with careful movements, held him by the hand. “Are you…? Today…”

Hanbin took courage to turn and look him in the eyes. Junhoe's gaze faltered. The boy released him, putting his hand behind his neck, looking away.

“Do you want me to stay?” Junhoe asked at last, after a long silence.

_The question is: do you really want to stay Junhoe? Till what point is it OK to force yourself?_

Hanbin looked for his dongsaeng's eyes, but he was still avoiding him. He patted him on the shoulder and spun him around to face the door, giving him a gentle shove.

“Not today, Hoe. Go to your room and rest, tomorrow will be a long day.”

Junhoe turned his head to see him, Hanbin gave him a small and tired smile.

The younger nodded and left the room, leaving behind the echo of a door closing and a farewell.

Hanbin flopped down on the bed, not changing or taking off his shoes or washing his makeup.

Sleeping, sleeping was the best solution.

 

***

17 SEP AT 12:03 AM

DONG:

So…

Hanbin hyung&u…

👀

BOBBY:

😊

Hanbinnie n I...?

DONG:

Yah! Hyung, tell me

BOBBY:

😁

I don’t know what I have to tell

DONG:

Aish… that's annoying

but I'm glad u're happy

that both of u’re

but, hyung, r u okay with this?

U… u know

BOBBY:

yeah, I

wanted

to b who we were

bfore,

u know

DONG:

Yes, but…

I'm not the one to say

something

but hyung, I don’t want

u to be like before.

u're supposed to have left

all that behind

have not u?

u said u had already overcome that

Hanuel made you be

better

I really believed

that u were in love with her

that Hanuel made u happy

was I wrong? Did you never

forget him? Always was he, right?

I had never mentioned it

‘cause I know how u r, but she

looks so much like him

but she is not him and…

hyung I just want u to be happy

I like to see u together, but

I don’t want to see that other side of u

I'm sorry

also what happens with her?

You even introduce her to ur parents

...

Bobby Hyung

U did what you did back then

‘cause you didn’ want to ruin this? ‘cause

u thought that our group was more important?

so Mino hyung said? so

Hanbin hyung said? Did u

accept Hanuel just for that? Or

was it true that there was

something in her?

I know u hate talking about this

but is not it time to do it?

hyung u know that I would never judge you

the heart is the heart

we can not command over it

but u have to be honest

with yourself

if u have not left all this behind…

is it okay to continue this way?

u know that I only want the best for u

just think things through

be honest even if it's just with yourself

 

***

 

   They had just finished a long meeting that more than three hours. More than three damn hours, after only having slept a bit after three presentations in another country.

He was so tired. Waiting hours to take a flight. Arrive home just to bathe and change. Go directly to the agency to receive reprimands and indications and modifications to their schedules, saturating them more.

Everything was too much.

Sometimes everything was just too much.

_For something, Bobby hyung wrote Runaway. And to think that I got angry the first time I read those lyrics._

Hanbin couldn’t explain how they could continue with their eyes open. He was hungry, very hungry, and he knew he was not the only one. Junhoe had that sullen gesture that he always put on when he was starving. Chanwoo was complaining to Yunhyeong while Yunhyeong assured him that he would cook something delicious when he got to the dorms, giving him a chocolate bar that he had bought in a vending machine for himself —Yunhyeong was always weak towards Chanwoo, even if they seemed to fight all the time—. Bobby had his eyes closed, wanting to sleep on his chair. Donghyuk and Jinhwan were trying to fill their stomachs with water knowing that there was still a long way to go to get home. Hanbin, for his part, had not eaten anything since before the first presentation of the previous day, but honestly, he preferred to go to sleep.

 

He was the last to leave the meeting room. He had thought about going home during the whole meeting, but being in the agency, maybe it was better to go straight to the studio.

“Hyung, don’t stay behind, you have to go to rest” Chanwoo stopped halfway to wait for him.

Hanbin smiled at him and shook his head. Chanwoo opened his eyes wider, raising his eyebrows, the typical gesture he made when questioning something.

“I'm gonna the studio.”

The maknae narrowed his eyes, pouting.

“I think it would be better if you went to rest, Hanbin hyung.”

Hanbin patted the boy's arm, smiling a true smile. Those kinds of gestures he liked a lot: when his members seemed to want to take care of him.

“I'm fine, don’t worry. I'll only be here a couple of hours. I'll be back early, okay?”

Chanwoo lowered his head, nodding without changing the gesture.

   

   Hanbin sat in front of his studio’s computer after half an hour of walking around doing this and that, preparing details for the next day's schedule.

In his mind, he reviewed one by one the scolding they had received, each flaw in which they had to improve both personally and as a group. But the most he thought about was what their fans were talking about at SNS. They wanted a comeback, a ‘real’ one, not something like New Kids, with only two songs that the public didn’t even like, that had led them to be degraded in many ways in hundreds of press releases and hurtful comments.

He began to move his foot insistently, biting the edge of his thumb, desperate because his computer still loading, their new album was in process, the choreography had to be changed, the MV had to start recording the next day, the guys had to have singing lessons in those days...

The door opened, pulling him out of his thoughts.

Hanbin smiled shyly when he saw his hyung there, carrying plastic bags.  

“Jjajangmyeon and fried chicken straight to his hands, young man.”

“Hey, you should go and rest,” Hanbin replied, biting the inside of his cheek to suppress the huge smile that was struggling to overcome the shy one he had.

Bobby shook his head, narrowing his eyes till they seemed completely closed.

“And you don’t?”

The older left the food on the desk, taking a chair to sit next to Hanbin. He placed the palm up, on the arm of his chair. Hanbin didn’t hesitate for a second, his body as always reacting before his mind: he took his hand.

Bobby squeezed his hand, smiling tenderly at him.

“I’m here. We are. So you can lean on us, you don’t have to do this by yourself.”

The two looked into each other's eyes, Hanbin wishing to escape the intensity of his hyung, struggling not to blush.

“Thank you, Bobby hyung.”

The door opened again with a bang.

“Hey, Hanbinnie, we have a looooot to talk about... Oh, Bobby, you're here, hello.”

Bobby slowly slid his hand away from Hanbin's as soon as Jaewon's eyes settled on their union.

Hanbin smiled sadly, remembering all those times when Bobby had asked him not to touch him anymore.

Sometimes it was as if Bobby was two people at the same time. The sad thing was that he loved every version of Bobby equally.

“Hey, Jaewon ssi.”

“Hey, Jaewonnie.”

“How was Japan?”

“Very good, excellent,” said Bobby.

The three remained silent.

Jaewon exhaled, gave Hanbin a look and smiled quickly.

“Well, see you later, I just wanted to say hello. Hanbinnah, send me a text whenever you want us to continue with the song.” He raised his eyebrows at the last sentence, letting Hanbin understand what was the real matter.

“Yes, hyung. See you.”

As soon as Jaewon closed the door as he left, Bobby began unpacking the bags of food.

Hanbin's stomach rumbled at the delicious aroma penetrated his nostrils. Bobby smiled and immediately mixed the sauce with the jjajangmyeon noodles, placing the plate in front of Hanbin.

“I brought you a Sprite and a bottle of water,” he said as he handed the drinks. “The fried chicken smells really good, although maybe I should have bought you something more healthy. You know what, I better go…”

“Hyung” Hanbin took him by the wrist when he saw him get up, immediately released him, putting an apology in his eyes. “It's okay, you don’t have to. Really, thank you for this.”

Bobby sat next to him, smiling cheerfully to the point where his eyes became half moons. He put one of his hands on Hanbin's thigh and squeezed it affectionately.

“I want to see you well,” he said in a way that made Hanbin feel that he was falling in love again.

But that wasn’t new, Bobby had Hanbin fall for him all the time, without the least effort.

Hanbin muttered a thank you and began to eat. Bobby prepared his noodles, talking about this and that. He took a piece of chicken and brought it to the younger's mouth, smiling when he saw Hanbin open it to receive the food.

They ate and talked for about an hour, for that time forgetting their responsibilities, enjoying the food and their conversation, laughing like fools for the simplest things.

After eating and cleaning, Bobby stayed with Hanbin. The latter decided to show him a few songs he was working on. Hanbin was really excited to have his hyung there with him.

The two concentrated so much, editing, recording and rewriting, that by the time they realized it the night had fallen behind the walls of the agency and their manager had to go for them to take them to rest, getting a protest from both and giving them only half an hour more to finish.

 

***

ItsBabi

@OrNah

**I shouldn’t but what can I do if it feels so good to be with him?**

01:31 AM Sep 18, 2017 · Twitter for Android

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ItsBabi

@OrNah

**D**g, I just wanted his friendship back. Is it too much to ask?**

01:45 AM Sep 18, 2017 · Twitter for Android

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ItsBabi @ OrNah · Now

**I also thought that everything was in the past, I thought that she had taken it out**

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ItsBabi @ OrNah · Now

**It's not like I didn’t know, u know… but it's been too hard all this time**

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ItsBabi @ OrNah · Now

**more than anything else, he was my best friend**

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ItsBabi @ OrNah · Now

**once was enough, I don’t want to lose him again, even if I know that this is not good. Not for me.**

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***

 

18 SEP AT 01:53 AM

 

HAN:

Hey

BOBBY:

Hi.

HAN:

Can we see each other?

BOBBY:

I was about to sleep as

soon as we got back we

went to the agency.

I came from the

Studio just now

I need to sleep.

 

HAN:

And I really need

to see each other, Jiwon.

I'm outside the building

Come.

 

***

 

Hanbin entered the apartment trying to make as little noise as possible, knowing that both Yunhyeong and Chanwoo were already asleep.

He took off his shoes at the entrance and went to the kitchen to have a glass of water. His head felt floating in a sweet unreality. How long had not an afternoon like this with Bobby, eating, joking and composing?

He sighed, feeling completely... well.

Again there had been no calls or messages from Hanuel to interrupt them and make him feel depressed and out of place. It had been only the two of them, just as in the past.

He denied to himself, knowing that nothing was ever going to be like in the past. But that didn’t matter because he had been so fine next to his hyung, he had enjoyed it so much, he had smiled so much, he had been so happy.

It's just that, even if he wanted to, it was something he couldn’t avoid, having Bobby's attention for him made him feel important, wanted, special... It was not right, it was not right, but was it really bad to enjoy those rare moments together, of that beautiful smile, of those beautiful eyes?

“Agh, Kim Hanbin, when are you going to understand?” He said to himself loudly, placing his hands in the sink, bending his body a little forward because of the frustration he felt towards himself.

“ Understand what?”

Hanbin straightened immediately. He turned scared to meet Junhoe.

“Hey, what are you doing here?”

“I was waiting for you... I thought you'd come back earlier.” Junhoe looked him up and down. “A few hours ago you seemed dead. Now you look very good.”  

Hanbin tried to smile without feeling guilty, but how could he not? Junhoe waiting almost until two in the morning when they had such a tight schedule, while he was in another side enjoying the company of Bobby.

“You must go to rest, tomorrow we have to get up early.”

Junhoe seemed to take a long exhale, walked as necessary to reach Hanbin and took him by the hand.

“I wanted to... sleep with you, did I do wrong?”

Hanbin cleared his throat, looked at their hands. It felt so different, Bobby's hand and Junhoe's hand, the way they held him, the warmth of his skin.

“Of course not. Let's go to sleep now, it's too late.”

Junhoe nodded.

Hanbin couldn’t help but think that, at another time, both had smiled shyly, Junhoe perhaps a bit cocky, but now, now both had a serious and lack of life gesture.

   The younger guided them to Hanbin's room, releasing his hand to let him in first after opening the door for him. Hanbin felt his chest tightened. He felt he needed to run out of the room. He shuddered as he felt Junhoe take him by the waist, but it was not the kind of shudder caused by the anticipation of what was to come, by enjoying his touch.

Junhoe led him to the bed, Hanbin moving without a real will, hands clenched into fists at his sides. Junhoe took off Hanbin’s shirt, checked his body for the less and less obvious bruises, then took off his pants and made him lie on the mattress while he took off his own clothes. Hanbin immediately covered himself with the quilt, he felt that his stomach was beginning to hurt so nervous he was. Would Junhoe be planning to do it? A flash of their last night together made him bend, his chest and stomach twisting with anxiety.

Before he did something —turning on one side with his back to the younger or running away from the room— Junhoe crawled under the quilt and pulled him with one arm to his body. Hanbin felt chills as he felt Junhoe's hand gently squeeze his hip. He lowered his head, biting his lip. Why did he feel that way? Everything was supposed to be fine, he had decided to forget what happened that night. Why did he feel so eager to cry? Why did Junhoe's touch cause him such terrible anxiety?

“Hey, B.I., are you okay?”

Junhoe took Hanbin's face, making him raise his head to see him. Hanbin pushed back any feeling that could betray him showing on his face. He stopped biting his lip and placed a smile instead of the grimace of pain he was doing seconds ago.

“Yes, now rest.”

Junhoe frowned a little, smiled shortly and kissed Hanbin on the lips. A kiss that made Hanbin squeeze his eyes and hold his breath.

Hanbin cut the kiss first and turned around, facing the wall. Seconds later Junhoe moved on his side and hugged him gently, his chest against the older's back.

“Goodnight.”

Hanbin squeezed his eyes tight, holding one hand to his chest. _It's Junhoe, Hanbin, it's just Junhoe, why are you behaving like that?_

Trying to calm his mind, little by little, Hanbin was overcome by the dream.

 

 

***

18 SEP AT 02:43 AM

BOBBY:

she broke with me


	9. 9 —Special Chapter—

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, añio. It's me again...
> 
> First I wanna say that I thought a lot about update this or not do it, but 'm here and this is already written and translate so... Please don't hate so much if things don't go the way you want, teehee^^

B E S T  F R I E N D S

 

Nine

 

_ In where there are memories impossible to forget _

 

 

Junhoe knew what was the exact moment when Hanbin finally fell completely asleep. His breathing became slower, but his body didn’t seem to relax completely.

  They had lived together for years, although understand Hanbin, truly know him, had taken him longer than the rest, and it had been until recently that he had finally begun to have a more united friendship with him; something more sincere and transparent.

In his days of trainers, Junhoe had tried to be close to everyone, but he had soon realized that it was almost impossible to enter that closed circle where the three Kims were kept. Above all, getting close to Hanbin had been difficult for him, both had strong personalities and their eyes were constantly challenging each other. Junhoe had hated having to obey Hanbin’s orders, however, he admitted that following Hanbin had made him improve in everything that he already thought was good.

In the end, it was Jinhwan who had united them. Jinhwan had begun to take care of him, to integrate him little by little, earning his trust and appreciation.

He and Hanbin had begun to interact more when Junhoe realized that Hanbin was not bossy, but wanted to lead them to make his dreams come true.

The years helped to their friendship was born and they left behind that formal and uncomfortable companionship. But it was a single event, quite common, that fixed the last ring that was missing for them to become united in a different degree, in which their friendship took a more intimate and confident path.  

It had all started with a book of poetry he had found in the room they shared while searching for Hanbin's favourite  _ Pringles _ to steal. After that, Junhoe, who had fallen in love with poetry, had started looking for Hanbin whenever he read something new or when he wanted advice to use one phrase or another in his poems or when he wanted someone to read what he had written. For some reason, Hanbin had seemed the only right person to share something so intimate.

Soon after, visits to Hanbin's studio had begun, all because the older hadn’t deigned to answer him in all day long. These visits had become regular when Junhoe discovered how peaceful it was to be with Hanbin in the studio. The rapper concentrated so much that Junhoe could simply throw himself in the couch to read without being interrupted; sometimes he wrote, sometimes he just napped or stayed studying Hanbin.

As the months went by, it was that Junhoe had discovered that Hanbin had feelings for Bobby. He had noticed it in the look full of love that Hanbin had when facing the older, a look that Junhoe had confused before with admiration and brotherhood. Then he had noticed the smiles full of life that came when Bobby approached the leader, and which died slowly every time when he saw him turn his back on him and walk away to go to Donghyuk. And shortly afterwards he also noticed how the sparkling eyes of hope had become eyes that shone with the sadness of unrequited love.

Junhoe could be foolish, rather selfish and self-centred, but with Hanbin he had felt so close to the knowledge that he was suffering from a broken heart, that he had increasingly begun to bother him, to spend time with him, to be interested in what Hanbin was doing. He had noticed the evident distancing between the rappers and how that had begun to sink more and more their leader.

Thus their friendship had deepened, between poems, songs and broken hearts. Perhaps Hanbin didn't know, but Junhoe had sought to give him some comfort, some support —very much in his own way— when he had seen how much the leader suffer in silence. When he had seen himself reflected in the tired face of someone who loved too much someone he couldn't have.

Junhoe stopped hugging Hanbin, moving to face up, looking up at the ceiling.

Had he ruined it? Of course, he had. And in the worst possible way. Alcohol had brought out the worst in him. The alcohol and Jinhwan message that had made him feel bad; sad, angry and irritated.

He had no right to be angry or saddened or irritated. He just didn’t have the right to feel something. But he couldn’t stop all those feelings from filling and emptying him. Sometimes —almost always— his heart won over his reason.

Jinhwan was always above everyone. Above everything.

The love he felt for him was so great that sometimes he was afraid. Junhoe used to wonder how it was possible that he could love so much one only person. Sometimes he felt that love was so much that there was no longer room to feel something for someone else; neither for his friends nor for his family.

He turned to see Hanbin. That boundless love had led him to hurt someone who was too frail to be hurt once more.  _ But that was exactly what I did. Human beings are stupid and incongruous, we repeal an act that we are already doing the next blink. _

Junhoe was sure he would never forgive himself for the mistake of that night, in which, having been swimming in an ethyl cloud of unconsciousness, he had found Hanbin's warm body beside him and wished that someone else would occupy that place.

He could remember Hanbin's watery eyes, full of sadness and lust, silently asking him to stop while his lips cried out on the contrary. And Junhoe, out of his senses, had only been able to close his eyes, tightening them and bringing to his mind the perfect face of Jinhwan and thinking of his soft skin and sweet scent and the high-pitched sound his voice would have when he shouted his name.

His desire had been so big that the image of Hanbin disappeared completely. Each kiss, each caress, each thrust had been given to Jinhwan. That ‘I love you’ whispered as he cum inside of him and that tight and possessive embrace, everything had been for Jinhwan. Because that was the only thing had filled his head and his heart that night: Jinhwan, Jinhwan, Jinhwan...

He turned on his side again, bringing a hand to his leader's head. With hesitating movements, he stroked his hair and whispered an apology. Junhoe had been the only one to suggest that being together would make them forget, but he seemed to be the only one not to keep his own word.

He looked for his phone under the pillow but remembered that he had decided not to carry it because he knew that Jinhwan would bother him again.  _ How can he be like this? He was the first to tell me to get over it. To forget it. To let it leave behind. _

Junhoe closed his eyes, tried to sleep, but as always, had to get up for a drink of alcohol, nothing strong just something to relax him a little.

He found a can of beer in the refrigerator that he drank at once. He brushed his teeth with the toothbrush he had in the bathroom on that floor, and then went back to Hanbin's room, hesitating a bit before going to bed and hugging him.

  He felt himself being shaken hard by the shoulder.

He waved his arm, wanting to push away that insistent hand.

  “Yah, Juneyah, get up, move.”

Junhoe sat immediately upon hearing Jinhwan's voice muttering, trying not to sound angry.

  “Hyung. What’re you doing here?”

Jinhwan looked at him with annoyance and gestured for him to follow him out.

Hanbin was still asleep like a rock. Junhoe covered him well with the blanket when he got up.

Upon leaving the room, Jinhwan was waiting for him at the end of the hall. He gave him a severe glance and went straight to the living room. Junhoe pressed his mouth in a thin line. Whatever Jinhwan wanted, he didn't want to know at that time. It was five o'clock in the morning and he had barely closed the eyes.

  “What do you think you're doing?” Jinhwan said, angry, but trying to keep his voice under control.

Junhoe raised his eyebrows, giving him a clear indication that he had no idea what he was talking about.

  “Hanbin.”

Junhoe raised more his eyebrows, this time surprised. Jinhwan knew him so well that he had already realized.

  “What's wrong with him?”

The older closed his eyes and took a deep breath. When he opened them, Junhoe couldn't help but lean back a little. Mad Jinhwan was very scary.

  “How the hell did you think of doing that, Junhoe? You're stupid? You know he's in love with Bobby! What the hell are you going to win with this?”

Although he wanted to look away, Junhoe forced himself to keep his stare locked in his hyung's eyes.

  “You said to me to find someone to fall in love with and that I did, what's the problem?”

Jinhwan took a quick and long step and grabbed him by the neck of his shirt, causing him to bend to his height.

   “What is the problem? The damned problem is that he's in love with Bobby and you know and Bo...” Jinhwan tried to control his breathing. “You don’t want him.”

   “But I could do it. What makes you think I can not?” Asked the younger at the almost mocking gesture of his hyung.

  “Do you really want me to say it?” Jinhwan raised his eyebrows, challenging him. A second later he turned his gaze to Junhoe's side, tilting his head, and then returned to stare at his eyes. “You can not love him because the only one you love is me, Juneyah,” he said, his tone softer. “Haven't you told me hundreds of times before? That can only be me.”

Junhoe tightened his jaw. Why did Jinhwan have to be that way?

He couldn't keep his eyes from filling with water and emptying in a blink. He wanted so much that Jinhwan was only his, but at the same time, he felt like a horrible person for wanting something like that knowing how much his sister loved Jinhwan.

The older raised his hand to wipe away the tears that kept falling down his face. Junhoe cried more, that delicate care made him feel hungrier for everything he couldn't have, for everything that couldn't be for him.

With the same hand that the older kept on the collar of his shirt, he made him bent over to hug him warmly, sinking his small face into Junhoe's neck, whispering sweet words that hit against his skin.

Junhoe hugged him by the waist, squeezing him tightly, wanting to stay forever that way. It was those little moments when he allowed himself to be completely selfish, once again forgetting about the rest of the world because all that mattered was Jinhwan.

Jinhwan in his arms. Jinhwan comforting him. Jinhwan holding on to his shoulders. Jinhwan brushing his nose on his neck.

Jinhwan, Jinhwan, Jinhwan ... 

“Hey, June, let's go home, we have to get ready. We'll talk about this when we get back, 'kay?”

Junhoe bit his lip. He didn't want to release him and let go of his warm and small and perfect-for-his-arms body.

  “Hey, come on, don’t be like that. I'll let you sleep with me today.”

_ Ahh, you know me so well. If only you could love me as I love you. Or half of what I do. Or just one-hundredth of what I do. _

Junhoe nodded and reluctantly let him go. Jinhwan smiled at him, there was no longer a trace of anger in his eyes. Junhoe was relieved and stood to stare at his hand until the older smiled pretending to be annoyed and took him by the hand, guiding him.

  Junhoe didn't remember that he had left Hanbin alone until they reached the location where they would record the MV and saw him get off the van where he was travelling with Chanwoo and Yunhyeong.

He clenched his mouth, feeling guilty one more time. It was a fault that resided in the decision he made after a wrong action. A decision that was so difficult to maintain and at the same time so difficult to let go.

If he had never slept with Hanbin that night, he would never have suggested that madness idea of going out; instead, having revealed the leader's feelings and his own, he would have leaned more on him and offered his shoulder for Hanbin to do the same.

But things got out of control. The alcohol had made him feel empty and cold. Hanbin's body had been so close, so warm, so vulnerable. Junhoe had simply floated with the current. The desire he had for someone else had made him lose all reason and pushed him to throw everything on Hanbin who, instead of having put up some resistance, marked a stop, had opened for him as if he had always been waiting for that. What perhaps had been true, perhaps Hanbin had always waited for a moment like this, where he could surrender himself with oblivion to someone else's arms; but that  _ someone else _ , it was not him but the owner of that beautiful and delicate broken heart.

Junhoe had felt good at first, looking him in the eyes so that Jinhwan's image did not devour him. He had provoked Hanbin until his name left his lips because the thought of being Bobby's substitute had not pleased him.

He had enjoyed it. Each kiss. Each caress Every thrust he gave.

But then the morning had come bringing with it all the faults he knew well.

After having seen that curious and excited and regretful look of Hanbin, the idea simply sprang up in his head.  _ 'Maybe we should go out. Maybe if we go out and fuck a hundred times, I forget about Jinan and he about Bobby hyung,’  _ Junhoe had thought. After all, that was what Jinhwan had told him the morning of the day that changed everything.

Junhoe's mouth tightened as he watched Hanbin walk to where they were. Could Hanbin blame him for asking him to go out when all Junhoe wanted was for him not to feel like a mistake that had happened on a night of alcohol?

Junhoe had only wanted to spare him that horrible feeling. Only that.

He admitted that Jinhwan's words had been very present in his decision, but more than anything, it was that he knew how fragile Hanbin was beneath that rude and serious facade. He knew it because that was the way he himself was.

And because he knew the feeling well, it was that he had wished Hanbin didn't live it too.

Junhoe heard Jinhwan laugh. He looked to the front, where his little hyung was, leaning against the wall, phone in his ear.

Jinhwan laughed again. Maybe he felt his gaze, because he turned to Junhoe and, cocking his head, gave him that flirtatious smile that made Junhoe tremble from head to toe and a memory that he preferred to keep locked, jump in front of his face.

_ They were a week away from debuting. They had been rehearsing like crazy, being scolded again and again by Hanbin at the slightest error. The world expected a lot from them. Hanbin was a perfectionist. Obviously, no detail was going to be overlooked. _

_ When Hanbin finally let them go, everyone was dead of exhaustion. So much so that Junhoe couldn't remember how they had come back to the dorms or why he was in Jinhwan and Donghyukie's room instead of his own. Maybe halfway there he was so angry at Hanbin for continuing to scold him for not being able to make that turn well when everyone could, that he decided he didn't want to share a room with him that night. _

_ It was that same tiredness that made him not pay much attention and go back to sleep. _

_ When he opened his eyes again, the first thing he found was with Jinhwan in the other bed. _

_ But it was not the Jinhwan who slept soundly with his mouth half open and a small trickle of saliva dripping down the corner of his mouth as tired as he was. It was a Jinhwan who was frowning, his mouth open with loud, shrill moans. _

_ Junhoe felt his mouth dry and a heat stroke in his guts. His chest tightening to the point where it was difficult for him to breathe normally. _

_ Jinhwan moaned louder and sharper. Junhoe look ran down over the older's body. Although there was a sheet covering him, Junhoe could see that Jinhwan had his legs spread, his knees bent up, and one of his hands tucked under the sheet, going up and down, causing a weird sound to fill the room. _

_ Junhoe gave a low growl, shaking his head and twisted it to face the wall immediately when Jinhwan turned his head. _

_ He squeezed his eyes and fists hard, trying to calm his breathing, but how to do it? He had been in love with Jinhwan since the day he had met him. Bathing together was enough torture for his body always full of livid, and now he even had to see him and hear him masturbate and stay there, still, feigning unconsciousness? _

_ He tightened his eyes, wanting that only with that action could he put out all his senses. _

_ But he didn't get it. _

_ He clearly heard Jinhwan's giggle and the noise that threw the mattress when the older got out of it. He was also aware that Jinhwan tripped over a couple of glass bottles and that they rolled around the room. And he was more than aware when Jinhwan climbed on top of him, sitting astride his lap. _

_   “Juneyah,” Jinhwan crooned. “Juneyah, open your eyes, I know you're very awake.” _

_ Junhoe did what the older ordered in that voice that pretended to be passive and playful. _

_   “Jinani, what are you doing?” He asked in a barely audible whisper, now more than ever it was hard for him to breathe. _

_ Jinhwan reclined until his chest touched Junhoe's. He gave him a small kiss on the chin. _

_   “What do you think? Obviously taking care of my favourite dongsaeng.” _

_ Junhoe shuddered completely at the feeling that Jinhwan was rubbing his ass on his hard cock. _

_ Unable to avoid it, he moaned in a thick voice. _

_   “Nani…” _

_ Jinhwan looked up, staring at him from Junhoe's chin with bright eyes and a charming smile, tender and seductive. Only Jinhwan could smile like that. _

_   “I like it so much, that you call me like that.” _

_ In a movement Junhoe had Jinhwan on his abdomen, small, thin arms encircling his neck, his mouth clasping gently against his. _

_ It was an almost ephemeral kiss that was cut at the same time. Both sighing. _

_   “Is it your first kiss, Juneyah?” _

_  “You know well,” he replied trying not to feel shy, but how could he not do it when he was living this situation? _

_ Maybe he was dreaming. Yes, surely, that couldn't be real. It was? _

_ Jinhwan came back to him, kissing him tenderly, keeping his eyes half open so he could see him in the eyes. _

_ Little by little the kiss gained intensity and within a few minutes both were devouring each other's mouths; Jinhwan moaning Junhoe's name and he growling, clinging to the older's small waist. _

_ Jinhwan slid his body a few inches down, rubbing the ass with the younger's erection. Junhoe growled again, lifting his hips and moving them to the rhythm that his hyung began. _

_ He felt so desperate. He wanted more. He wanted everything. All of Jinhwan, just for him. Always for him. _

_ He left Jinhwan's waist so that he could hold his backside, making him rise and fall and wiggle about him. Jinhwan began a path of kisses down his neck, biting and sucking; his little hands moving everywhere. _

_ Jinhwan rose from his chest, sitting on him. With a flirtatious smile and a completely red face and neck, he began to make small jumps over his erection, making Junhoe unable to control his grunts. The older took off his shirt without cutting his movements. _

_   “Juneyah, take off your clothes.” _

_ Junhoe remained static. They were... going to do it? His heart was going to come out of his chest or stop working at any moment. _

_ Jinhwan slid back on him until he could reach his mouth and give him a tender but passionate kiss. _

_    “Don't be nervous, I'll take good care of you.” _

_ All Junhoe was able to do was swallow and nod. _

_ With shaking hands he got rid of his clothes, watching Jinhwan take off his trousers and underwear. His member hardened further, releasing more pre-seminal fluid upon seeing the delicate and beautiful body of Jinhwan completely naked and aroused. _

_   “Lean in the bed, Juneyah.” _

_ In a clumsy move, the younger did what he was told. Jinhwan climbed on him and, without wasting time, began to caress their erections together. _

_ Junhoe clenched his teeth to keep from cuming. The image in front of him was too much. Jinhwan's little hands couldn't cover their dicks. _

_    “You are big, Juneyah. I like it.” _

_    “Argh, Nani, don’t do this to me…” _

_ Jinhwan laughed at him as he moved down so he could face Junhoe's member. _

_    “Hey, look at me. I don’t want you to miss the show.” _

_ Junhoe opened his mouth and eyes wide. Jinhwan gave him a long lick and immediately devoured him completely, making obscene noises that pushed the younger to the limit. _

_ Jinhwan hollowed out his cheeks and sucked as much as he could, almost managing to have the younger's entire phallus buried in his mouth. Junhoe couldn't take it anymore, tried to get rid of Jinhwan by pulling his hair, but he instead of doing so the latter clung to him more. _

_ Junhoe cummed moaning the name of his hyung, filling his mouth so much that the older couldn't help but let out a little of his seed. _

_    "That was very quick,” Jinhwan said with a funny and mischievous chuckle when he finally released Junhoe's member, instantly leaning down to lick it again. _

_ Junhoe, his cheeks red with excitement and embarrassment, felt his member being erect again. _

_ Jinhwan didn't need to do anything other than breath to make him hard; to see him licking him that way, with a thread of semen mixed with saliva falling down his chin, was making him go crazy. _

_ The older moved again, sitting astride Junhoe again. _

_    “Suck them,” Jinhwan ordered, putting two of his fingers in front of the younger's mouth. “You have to leave them sooo wet. 'Kay?” _

_ Junhoe opened his mouth without losing eye contact with the older and licked his fingers. Jinhwan smiled at him, bent down to kiss his forehead tenderly; instantly he sank deep his fingers, seeking to caress every inch of the younger's mouth. _

_    “You are so perfect, June. I would like to be like this always with you.” _

_ Unable to avoid it, Junhoe shed tears. He also wanted to be with Jinhwan always, no matter what, he always wanted to be with him. _

_    “I love you very much, Junhoe, very very much.” _

_ Jinhwan pulled his fingers out of Junhoe’s mouth so he could kiss him. _

_    “I love you too, Nani. I have always loved you. And I will always love you.” _

_ This time it was Jinhwan who cried, and he did it smiling and kissing him. _

_ When he pulled away, he lifted his ass from Junhoe's hips, supporting his weight on his open knees at the boy's sides.   _

_  “This also you have to see it without losing any detail, Juneyah, because I'm doing it for you.” _

_ Junhoe didn't understand until he saw Jinhwan bring his hand to his ass and begin to touch himself. _

_    “Don't cum yet, spread my butt cheeks to make this easier.” _

_ Swallowing hard, Junhoe obeyed. _

_ First, he caressed the older's thighs, raising his hands slowly, enjoying the softness of the skin and the shudder he caused to his hyung. When he reached Jinhwan's ass, his hands clutched possessively, squeezing and stretching it to the sides to give Jinhwan greater access.  _

_ Jinhwan moaned and let himself go, sinking his fingers little by little inside himself. Junhoe stroked and squeezed him, fascinated by the sounds his hyung let out, wanting so much that he would not stop repeating his name that way. _

_    "It's fine now," Jinhwan said shortly after. “Now let me wet you more.” _

_ In one movement the member of the younger was returned to Jinhwan’s mouth, who with one hand hold onto the Junhoe's abdomen, and with the other still penetrating himself. _

_    “Na-Nani I can’t hold anymore.” _

_ Jinhwan positioned himself to sit on top of Junhoe's erection, taking his dick in one hand. _

_    “Hold me, Juneyah.” _

_ The boy took him by the waist, helping him sat down slowly, growling when he felt the warmth of older’s walls come into contact with his cock's head. _

_    “It's too tight…” _

_    “I think it's your fault, Juneyah, you're so big.” _

_ Junhoe growled, asking him to stop saying things that would make him cum. _

_ Little by little, they managed to make Jinhwan sit completely on top of him, taking everything inside. Junhoe felt bad to see the older cry, but he smiled fondly and told him it was okay. Junhoe got up, sitting down to kiss him. _

_ When Jinhwan finally got used to his size, he ordered Junhoe to lie down again and immediately began to move. _

_   “You can not come before me,” he warned him with that mischievous look that still had a few tears hanging over his lashes. _

_ Junhoe clung to Jinhwan's waist as he began to move up and down. _

_ The movements started slow, torturous for Junhoe who wanted to sink his hips fast and deep into the tight and warmth inside’s hyung. Minutes later, Jinhwan increased the pace and asked him to move. Their bodies collided in perfect synchrony, as did their moans that cried out the name of the other over and over again. _

_ When Junhoe felt that Jinhwan was getting tired, he turned him around without pull out of him, leaving the older lying on the mattress. _

_    “Ah, yes, Juneyah, hard, please, I want it hard…” _

_ Junhoe moved quickly, following the rhythm that Jinhwan wanted, slam up him deeply causing the older to shout his name and tangling a hand in his hair, pulling him to kiss him. _

_    “Juneeeee, there, there, more, right there…” _

_ With more precise and harder thrusts, Junhoe made Jinhwan cum, reaching the climax when he felt the inside’s walls of the older tightened around his member relentlessly. _

_ Junhoe fell tired on top of Jinhwan, kissing him slowly, receiving an ‘I love you’ and giving one in return. _

_   The morning arrived. Junhoe opened his eyes lazily and found Jinhwan's little figure emerging from his bed. His naked body was pure perfection. _

_   “Hey, Nani, come back, lie down for a little more.” _

_ Junhoe reached up to grab his wrist, but Jinhwan jerked him away to grab his clothes and cover himself with it. _

_   “Jinan?” _

_ The older turned, smiling sadly. Tears that he didn't want to let slip, hanging on his eyelashes. _

_    “I'm dating Yejin, three months ago asked me out. She said that since she met me she has been in love with me. I was going to tell you, but... I never found the right time.” _

_ Junhoe's heart was shattered. _

_    “But... last night... you said that…” _

_ Jinhwan ducked his head, denying. _

_    “It was a mistake, Junhoe, I was drunk, I thought I was dreaming…” _

_    “Then it's real, you love me.” _

_ Jinhwan raised his head and nodded, but the sadness instead of moving away only increased. _

_   “But I'm not going to break your sister's heart, I'm sorry, June, I can not do that. You could do it? Forget all this, I'm sorry. Just forget it, I will too.” _

_ With one last kiss on the boy's forehead, Jinhwan left him there alone, with a broken heart, the guilt eating him and the crying choking him. _

 

   Junhoe looked away from Jinhwan. Even if that morning the older had asked him to forget, he knew well that neither of them had done it.

Junhoe turned and went to Hanbin. He smiled at him with an apology in his eyes, Hanbin pressed his lips in a thin line, a grimace that could sometimes be funny, but was now full of ... acceptance? disappointment?

Junhoe wondered if at some point he would stop feeling so guilty or if it was his destiny to live making mistakes and grieving for them.

  “I'm sorry,” he muttered when Chanwoo and Yunhyeong moved away enough.

Hanbin nodded.

  “It doesn’t matter don’t worry. Now walk, you should be ready if you came earlier, Hoe.”

  “Hanbin... I'm really sorry, I promise you I'll do better.”

Hanbin shook his head and smiled quietly, even so, his eyes showed the melancholy that so many poems had inspired Junhoe.

   “You don’t have to force yourself to do things you don’t want, remember?”

Hanbin slapped his arm and left him behind. Same as all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi. Somebody reached till the final? 
> 
> I know maybe some of you are mad now at Junhoe or at Jinhwan or at me^^! But I want to share a bit of what this look like a mess and the life of these guys seems so complicated: is life.  
> Yas, idt we need more explanation or excuses to this, life is complicated and people complicated this even more. So yeah, this story is the clear representation —in a very drama way— of how misunderstandings, lack communication, assumptions, etc., etc., can do the life worst than it is.
> 
> But yeah, you could hate me anyways if you want but this will make me sad :C
> 
> Teehee^^ Thanks for reading ♥


	10. 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Añio^^  
> Long time since the last update, isn't it?  
> Well, I said that I don't want to update with this story 'cause we're sad and this is sad, but, some people said me that they want to continue reading it, they say they need a distraction and here I am.  
> I enjoy to read depress and angst stories, so if you want a little sad that I can give you, I'll give you.  
> Anywhere, I hope all of you are a lil better, hope everything can take a better way after Japan Tour.  
> Fighting, fam.  
> Oh, and again, sorry for typos x.x

B E S T   F R I E N D S

 

Ten

 

_In where everything can be ruined —a bit more_

 

Hanbin couldn't take his eyes off of Bobby. They were in the middle of a break to eat.  

The recording of the MV went well, they had most of the scenes separately, but now they had been recording one of those few where they all appeared together. Bobby had been acting normal, laughing a little and complaining about how early he had had to get up and how much he wanted to go to sleep. Even so, Hanbin knew there was something strange.

Bobby was away from the set, sitting staring up at the sky. Although his gesture was serious, Hanbin could see the sadness in his eyes, how lost he looked.  

Why, when the previous day had been fine, smiling cheerfully and joking and taking care of him? What happened to him? Would it be wrong to go and ask?  

_It's better if Donghyuk takes care of this, I'm not who to meddle._

He stirred the food on his plate from one side to the other. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Jinhwan whispering something to Junhoe that made the younger squeeze his jaw.

Hanbin felt bad seeing the tension in his dongsaeng's body. But, as with Bobby, what could he do? Even though he was in a pseudo-relationship with the younger, Hanbin knew that his rights were minimal. Without realizing it —or doing it unconsciously— Junhoe had made it very clear to him. Very, very clear.

Hanbin got up to go and stretch his legs. His food left in oblivion as always.

    At first, his feet moved to where Bobby was, however, he decided to walk in the opposite direction, not wanting to feel that he was a nuisance. If his hyung wanted to be alone, Hanbin understood  —not his motives, but the feeling.

Some time ago, in that time when he had been proud to be called _Bobby's best friend_ , he wouldn’t have hesitated to go to his side, ask him what was happening and give him all the support he needed.  

Some time ago, he would have hugged him and assured him that, no matter what, he would always be by his side.  

Some time ago, he would never have imagined he would break that promise because the love he felt was so much that made him suffer —just like that little voice in his head that whispered words that filled him with fear.  

 

     The place where they were located was a quiet site away from the city. The extensive road was an important point, the most important for that MV; but the area he liked the most, where he expected them to make a couple of shots that would lock _that_ part of the meaning of his letters, was a field of white flowers on the seashore.  

Hanbin took a couple of photos as he approached the field. He really loved that view. He felt it like a lonely and peaceful place, the perfect site to be reborn. Reborn again and again, every time the world would have broken him into a thousand pieces.    

He walked slowly through the flowers, brushing the petals with the tips of his fingers. The sun high in the sky reflected on the surface of the water, which flowed with absolute tranquillity. What envy, he would like to be just like that, like water: without clinging to anything, just flowing, just go with the flow. 

   Hanbin reached the shore, making room to sit on the ground, raising his face to feel the warmth of the sun. His thoughts moved quickly in different directions until finally, they focused on one: Junhoe.

Hanbin had spent a horrible night, feeling anxious even in his dreams that ended up becoming nightmares.  

He had dreamed that he walked barefoot through a grey city full of grey people wearing white masks with huge smiles and half-moon eyes. But he knew what was beneath those masks, what was the true form of those faces that sought to hide in a feigned grimace of happiness.  

He had run without stopping, wanting to get away from everyone, but meter after meter finding more and more of them. When turning at the end of a block, desperate to get out of there, he had hit someone, throwing the mask with the strength of the encounter.  

As soon as he saw Junhoe's face, he had run again in an almost impossible jump. The emptiness in that look and the sadness with which his mouth fell down, was something that would chase him forever.

When he had finally managed to wake up from that nightmare, he had immediately got up in search of a glass of water; the fatigue of that endless career had pierced dreams. On the way to the kitchen, he had met Junhoe with his back to him. He had seen Jinhwan poke his head slightly down the side of the younger, then came a phrase that had made him feel closer to Junhoe, at the same time that hundreds of thousands of miles away.  

To be honest, Hanbin was relieved that Junhoe didn’t feel anything for him. But, also, to be honest, there wasn’t only relief in his heart, but a bitter taste of disappointment.  

That Junhoe didn’t want him made him feel less guilty toward him and toward that relationship that they _still_ had.  

That Junhoe didn’t want him made him feel... miserable? It was a strange feeling, as a confirmation that he would never be enough for someone; as if it were impossible to love him because there was nothing good in him to love.

Too broken. Too fragile Too much _Hanbin._

Bobby did not want it.

Junhoe either.

He did not do it himself.  

Many times when he seeing himself in the mirror or reflecting on his actions or seeing others, he realized how little he liked being under that face, under that skin.

    He brought his knees together so that he could rest his chin on them. He needed to finish with that false relationship already. Actually, he should never have made that decision, he should never have said _yes_.  

He had let himself be carried away by what one night of sex had made him feel, but the desire was never going to be enough for a relationship, not when only one felt good with the other's touch, much less when one had to force oneself to pretend so much.

 _But why, Junhoe?_ _Why did you suggest this?_ _Why do you do this?_ _Why do this to us?_

     “You're gonna burn your neurons, man.”

Hanbin's frown faded in the second he heard Bobby's soft, husky voice. When he saw him drop by his side, a shy smile appeared on his face.

     “Hyung, you're not the one to tell me something.” Bobby raised his eyebrows, pretending he didn’t understand. “Come on, Bobbhyung, I know you well.”

He regretted saying those words because he didn’t know him well, he _had_ known him well.

Bobby gently tapped Hanbin’s knees with one hand, causing him to lower them immediately. He smiled at him without showing his teeth.

     “Excuse me,” Bobby said before leaning back in his lap.  

Hanbin's face burned, the urge to bow and kiss him were so many.  

Bobby had his eyes closed, looked so calm. Without being very conscious, Hanbin began to brush his fingers through his hair, earning a tender smile from Bobby.

    “I could stay like this, here, forever,” said Bobby. “Can you stay like this forever with me, Hanbinnie?”

Hanbin nodded immediately, butterflies taking flight inside his stomach. His heart was beating too fast.  

     “Yes,” he murmured, almost breathless.  

Bobby grinned widely, opening his eyes and looking at him intensely. Hanbin felt as if he wanted to say something, but he refused to listen to Bobby’s gaze because he was afraid of figuring out things that were not.

The older raised his hand, settling the hair on Hanbin’s forehead. Hanbin smiled until his cheekbones were high, hiding his eyes a bit.  

     “Let me sleep for ten minutes, yes, Hanbinnie?”  

     “Hyung, they're going to scold us if we delay the recording.”

     “Only ten minutes, Hanbinnie, please, okay?”

Hanbin couldn't refuse. How could he deny something to him? Not to him, never to him.

In their trainers and post-debut days, Bobby had always done that; when he was dead from fatigue he simply tackled Hanbin, wherever he was, so he could lie on his lap, hugging him by the waist, until he fell asleep. Hanbin had never given him more than fifteen minutes to recover, but for some reason that had always seemed enough for his hyung.  

Hanbin didn’t expect that, like in those days, Bobby would turn and squeeze him like that, sinking his face into his abdomen.  

But that was just what he did.  

Hanbin swallowed, he was not as innocent as in those days, having Bobby so close to his crotch, practically on top of it, made him feel his whole body burn. Even so, there was a huge feeling of tenderness at seeing him clinging to his body in that way. A feeling that filled his chest until it left him without air, but, at the same time, making him feel that he breathed better than ever.

    The ten minutes passed in a blink of an eye as Hanbin stroked the hair on the back of Bobby's head, his mind in complete peace.

He decided to give him five more minutes, Bobby looked so calm that it seemed a pity to have to take him out of his dreams.  

Another five minutes passed.

Then another five more.

And another five more.

Hanbin woke up Bobby just because his phone didn’t stop ringing.  

     “Hyung, Bobbhyung, we need to go back.”

Bobby shook his head, sinking his face deeper into Hanbin's abdomen, rubbing his nose on it.

Hanbin had to move him away from his body. Although it hurt to put him away, he needed to do so. His hormones were beginning to react and he was not going to ruin his moment.

Bobby complained, pouting with his mouth. Hanbin laughed. He really loved every facet that Bobby showed.

The older got up first, offering a hand to put Hanbin on his feet. When their hands touched, Hanbin felt that warmth that he sorely lacked in his body, a warmth that only Bobby could grant him.  

    “Can we go to my house?” Bobby asked.  

    “Eh?”  

   “You promised that we would go when we were in Korea. Are you going to break your promise? That will hurt your hyung's heart, you know?”

Hanbin went blank for a few seconds, then reacted, remembering not only that day in the elevator of that hotel in Japan but everything that had happened since the night he had slept with Junhoe.  

   “Hanbinnie?”

He shook his head and tried to smile.

   “I don’t know, hyung, our schedules are very tight…”

   “Pleeeaaase. Or do you not want to come with me?”

Hanbin squeezed his hand, denying immediately and realizing until that moment that Bobby was still holding him.

  “It's not that, hyung, of course, I want to go. Maybe... Maybe the day after tomorrow we can go to dinner after finishing the recording.”

Bobby's face lit up like the sun at dawn. He also tightened his grip on Hanbin’s hand.

   “It’s a promise that you cannot break.”

Hanbin nodded again, his face mirroring Bobby's smile.  

He would have stayed like this forever, in the middle of that field of flowers holding the hand of the man he loved, looking him smile with the sun behind him, the quiet sound of the water and their breaths mixing, if not for the insistent call of a staff’s member  that had found them.

 

***

18 SEP AT 03:13 PM

 

 

DONG:

Hyung ...

u wanna talk?

BOBBY:

‘bout?

DONG:

Bobby hyung, r u okay?

BOBBY:

yeah?

DONG:

sure?

She asked me

2go collect ur stuff

to her house when have

time

BOBBY:

It isn’t necessary

give me back sth

it's not like I have

many stuff with her

but if it makes her

feel more comfortable

it’s okay

Thanks Dong

DONG:

u r really fine?

BOBBY:

yes

and not

feel bad 4 her

but don’t wanna talk ‘bout that

not now

I had a good nap

with a very good dream

and a beautiful voice waking me up

So only  

wanna think ‘bout this

 

***

 

Hanbin had just come out to take a shower when the door to his room opened.

It was Junhoe again.

The younger smiled at him, almost managing to make sure that there was no discomfort in his gesture, and dropped into his bed.  

Hanbin began to dry his hair, walking to his closet in search of a T-shirt. He felt self-conscious being half-naked in front of his dongsaeng. No matter if he had already seen him completely naked hundreds of times, now he didn’t feel safe showing his skin to him.

    “B.I., can I sleep here?”  

Hanbin shook his head as soon as he heard the question.

     “Not today, June. But I do want you to stay awhile, we need to talk.”

He put on a white shirt and took a breath so he could turn around and do what he was supposed to do.  

Junhoe had a serious gesture, behind the attempt of smile that had given him when entering.

     “What's going on?”

Hanbin pressed his lips into his well-known grimace and sat down on the younger boy's side, eyes on his hands playing with the hem of his shirt.

     “June…” he exhaled again before say everything. “This can not continue. We. We as a ‘couple’. We don’t work together. We have to finish it and continue with our friendship as if all this had never happened. Let's forget it…”

     “No!”

Hanbin leaned back when he heard the tone of Junhoe interrupting him. He had never heard his voice so deep.

The younger shook his head and apologized, holding him by the shoulders.

    “Don't do this, don’t ask me to forget. Never say something like that again, okay? Why do you all think that ‘forgetting’ is easier? Do you really think that we’ll be able to eliminate with simplicity from our memories everything that has happened, everything we have done, what we have seen and felt? That's impossible.”

Hanbin narrowed his eyes, looking at Junhoe sadly. He knew those were words that Junhoe wanted to say to someone else.

He took Junhoe's hands in his, pulling them apart from his shoulders, not noticing the small tremor that his body was suffering.  

    “Something happened between Jinhwan and you, right?”  

Junhoe seemed to shrink at his words.  

With his thumb, Hanbin stroked the back of his hand, wanting to show him that he wasn’t judging or scolding him or anything bad that his dongsaeng was thinking.  

After long minutes, Junhoe nodded.  

    “He asked you to forget about... what happened between you?”  

Junhoe nodded again.  

Hanbin noticed the bitter cry that his dongsaeng was holding, surely the memories were hitting him hard.  

He hugged him without saying anything, wanting to give him support.  

He didn’t know exactly what had happened between those two, but after the glimmers of conversation he had heard that morning, he now also knew that he hadn’t been Junhoe's first kiss, and probably none of his first times because, if he wasn’t thinking about it wrongly, all those first experiences of Junhoe had been with Jinhwan. But he had foolishly thought otherwise. He had wanted to believe that for Junhoe everything had been as new as for him.

Hanbin felt very sad for his dongsaeng. As if it were not enough for Junhoe to carry the excessive love that he felt, he had to live with the fact that, although he had once had everything from Jinhwan, he would never be for him again.  

    “Junhoe, don’t cry, I don’t like to see you like that,” Hanbin asked, feeling his shoulder moisten.  

The younger tightened him with more force, sinking the face in his neck.  

Hanbin circled his back with one hand, letting him lean on him as much as he felt necessary.  

    “I don’t want you to leave me, Hanbin, don’t do it, don’t leave me,” Junhoe said long after, his voice hoarse and quiet for have cried. “I don’t want to love him anymore, I shouldn’t do it anymore. He is my sister's boyfriend, how can I continue living like this? It is impossible. I'm afraid of doing something stupid someday. My feelings for him are so great that I'm afraid to think about the person I can become. Hanbin, I need to quit, but I cannot do this alone. I really can’t.”  

Hanbin moved away from Junhoe, understanding his words, but didn’t fully believe them. At least not that part that said he wanted to forget about Jinhwan.   

    “Junhoe, look at me” he held his face, forcing him to make eye contact, “did something bad happen between the two of you today?”  

Junhoe's gaze hesitated.  

    “He said ‘I love you’ to Yejin looking at me. He was talking on the phone with her. But he looked at me.”

Hanbin exhaled, annoyed.  

He loved Jinhwan very much, he was his hyung, they had lived a lot of things together and Hanbin had relied on him a lot since he had known him, but Jinhwan was really the one with the worst personality in the group. 

At the same time that Jinhwan was someone tender and cheerful, he was also someone who could get angry easily. Someone who wanted to impose himself on the decisions of others. The one who gave reprimands, but never take advice. And, above all, someone possessive. 

Jinhwan used to share his things, his food, his clothes, his room... But he didn’t like to share the attention they gave him or be relieved to a second-place when it came to his friends or relatives.  

Hanbin had overlooked that with the person that his hyung acted more possessively it was just Junhoe.  

    “He shouldn’t play like that with you, Junhoe. You shouldn’t let him do it.”  

Junhoe looked down.  

    “Jinani isn’t playing any games, B.I., it's just the way he is.”  

    “Junhoe…”  

The boy shook his head apologetically.  

    “Jinani wants me away, but not too much. He wants me close, but only to a certain extent. It's not because he's bad or because he's playing, it's just that he knows how dependent I am on him. But, B.I., we both know that we need to make real that distance or my sister is going to be hurt because of us.”  

Junhoe's tone of voice was so sad, Hanbin could feel under his own skin the anguish, anxiety and guilt that the younger felt.  

    “B.I., I want us to make our relationship real. I know it's not easy, that our feelings will not change overnight, but if we give ourselves time, maybe we'll really get over it. Don’t give up so soon, we don’t even have a month dating.”  

Hanbin's mouth twisted, shaking his head.  

    “A month in which you have had to force yourself to do things you have never done is torture enough for yourself, don’t you think?”  

Junhoe bit his lip before speaking.  

    “It wasn’t... completely forced. I like hugs. I like to kiss. Kissing you felt good.”  

    “Because you were thinking about Jinhwan, right?”  

Junhoe ducked his head once more.  

    “Not all the time.” Junhoe mumbled.   

Hanbin felt a blow to his chest. Although he hadn’t been able to keep Bobby out of his thoughts either, when he had been spending time with Junhoe, he had always tried to respect him even in his thoughts, pushing Bobby out of his head at least until Junhoe was no longer close to him.  

    “You did everything you wanted to do with Jinani with me, right? The hugs, the kisses, the date…”  

Junhoe shrank more inside his shoulders.  

    “I just wanted to make you feel good. I... I'm sorry.”  

Hanbin shook his head.  

    “Stop apologizing for everything, Junhoe. You made me feel good... It's a shame that I was the only one enjoying our time together.”  

Junhoe took him by the hand, coming so close to him that Hanbin could feel his warm breath of mint hitting his face.  

    “It wasn’t like that, B.I., it wasn’t like that. Being with you make me feel good. Please, let's try it one more time. I... I will put a distance with Jinhwan, I will... I will do whatever it takes to overcome this. Please help me, B.I., I can’t do this alone.”

Hanbin had already made a decision, but Junhoe looked so desperate.  

Hanbin knew that it wasn’t right, that if things had gone wrong once, there was no reason to try and fail again, but Junhoe seemed to want to cry while asking him not to leave him alone.

Hanbin knew he would regret it, but the empathy for Junhoe was so great that he couldn't keep his decision firm.

     “It's okay…”  

The boy didn’t even let him finish, he hugged him, pouncing so hard on him, leaving him lying on the mattress.

Hanbin shuddered at the touch of their bodies. He still felt anxious and uncomfortable. Junhoe kissed his neck. Hanbin squeezed his hands on the boy's shirt, restraining himself from pushing him away.  

Junhoe left a path of kisses, from his neck to his jaw to his mouth. Hanbin's lips trembled as if he were about to cry. Oh, he really was about to cry.

     “Hanbinnie, _omma_ said... me…”

Hanbin threw Junhoe away as soon as he heard Bobby's voice.  

All he could see was his hyung's back and the door of his room being whipped as it closed; his ears registering with clarity the loud and fast footsteps that Bobby left at fleeing.   

Hanbin covered his mouth with both hands, letting go of the crying he had been holding.  

Junhoe approached him quickly, trying to comfort him, telling him that everything would be fine, asking him not to cry, assuring him they were going to fix that, but no word of his was helpful. There was only one thought in Hanbin's mind that ran in circles:  

 _He hates me._ _He hates me._ _He hates me._ _He hates me._ _He hates me._ _He hates me._ _He hates me._ _He hates me._ _He hates me._ _He hates me._ _He hates me._ _He hates me._ _He hates me._ _He hates me._ _He hates me._

 

***

18 SEP AT 11:57 PM

 

 

BOBBY:

just wanna die

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think 'bout it? You know I enjoy sooo much reading your comments, so if you want to leave one, I'm gonna be super happy.  
> Thanks for reading till the end, chokokissus for everyone.  
> Till next!


	11. 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys, it's me again  
> I tried to update this before, but I didn't find time to translate the chapter neither strength. You know, even if you're sad now you can be sadness so that's what happened to me, but now here's the new chapter.  
> This was written far ago, even before June. Re-read it for translated it made me a bit mournful, 'cause in this chapter, they are a family, a joined family.  
> But, that's doesn't matter, sorry for always tangled me too much in the notes.  
> Thanks for reading ♥

BEST FRIENDS 

 

Eleven

 

_In where family will always be family_

 

***

19 SEP AT 01:13 AM

 

 

DONG:

Bobby what's going on?

Where r u?

Bobby hyung please answer me

 

19 SEP AT 02:05 AM

 

 

DONG:

r u kidding?

Please tell me where r u

what happened?

tell me u're not drinking

 

19 SEP AT 03:27 AM

 

 

DONG:

Bobby this isn’t funny

please come back now

tell me what the hell happened

tell me you're still alive please

 

***

 

Hanbin was shaking. He had been shaking all night, suffering muscle spasms in his hands and tingling all over his body. His thoughts saturating his mind so much that he had been unable to sleep.

His eyes were swollen from so much crying, but even now that he felt empty and dehydrated, he kept doing it, still crying from the pain in his chest, from the anguish that seemed to suffocate him. They were painful tears that burned his eyes and cheeks. Tears of grief, of a pain that had been born long ago and fed with time, in their doubts and fears. A real pain, deep and sharp. Permanent.

Junhoe was still by his side, he had refused to leave even when Hanbin had yelled at him and pushed him out of the room, causing Yunhyeong and Chanwoo, worried, go to see what was happening. Junhoe had told them to leave and had closed the door in his face when he could re-enter, locking the door, going to help Hanbin when he had begun to hyperventilate. 

Hanbin wanted to disappear. Sneak out with a _puff_ without leaving memories of his disastrous life in the memory of others, in the memory of Bobby. 

The crying had already hurt his eyes too much, but as much as he wanted to, he couldn't stop. The thought of Bobby hated him kept turning and crashing inside his head. 

He bit his nails again. _Bobby hates me_. 

He hugged his knees. _Bobby feels disgusted with me._

He let out a painful groan from the bottom of his throat. _Bobby is going to leave me alone again._

He felt Junhoe approaching him again, hugging him and whispering again those words of encouragement that Hanbin found only empty and meaningless. 

Bobby hated him and there was nothing else that mattered.

 

***

19 SEP AT 08:05 AM

 

 

BOBBY:

OMW

‘m alive

stop complaining

u always need 

to be  

a pain in the ass?

 

***

 

If it hadn't been because Junhoe forced him to take a bath and get ready for the recording, Hanbin would have stay curled up in his bed under his blanket. 

Actually, the boy had to assist him in everything and help him to walk with him and climb the van under the worried and silent gaze of Chanwoo and Yunhyeong. 

As soon as Hanbin got in and took a seat, he closed his eyes. He couldn’t sleep, but at least he could pretend to do so and thus avoid facing his teammates for now. 

The pain in his chest had not stopped stabbing him and now he felt worse after seeing the concern he was causing in the members he should care for.

   “What happened yesterday?” He heard Yunhyeong whispered minutes after starting the ride to the recording set.

    “Hyung is fine? Why does he look like he cried all night?” Chanwoo's voice sounded really worried. Hanbin could imagine his eyes wide open and his mouth puckered in a pout.

The lump in his throat got bigger, Hanbin knew that at any moment he was going to let himself go back to crying and that was something he couldn't let his members see. 

He clenched his fists under the huge sweatshirt he was wearing as a blanket, trying to calm down, still pretending to sleep. 

   “I... He…” Junhoe seemed not to know what to say. He paused enormously. “The truth is that B.I. and I… we’re dating and Bobby found us yesterday and now B.I. is afraid that we have ruined the group” he released almost as fast as if he was rapping a single sentence.  

Hanbin shivered from head to toe, he felt as if his soul was going to leave his body. He was about to fade away. And, sadly, it was the best feeling he had had since last night. Fading into nothingness sounded promising. 

He just wanted to disappear forever. Forget any pain. 

   “What you are... what?!”

Yunhyeong's shout was the last thing he heard. His body tensed and then relaxed to the point where Hanbin stopped feeling and thinking. 

 

   He woke up with the strong and spicy aroma of alcohol being pressed against his nose. 

When he opened his eyes and the blurry clouds moved away, he saw several pairs of eyes watching him. Gradually the eyes gained a face and more features and then the voices came. 

Hanbin blinked, wishing to return to unconsciousness. 

Why had his peace been taken away? 

_No, let me go back to the dark._

They pressed the alcohol on his nose again and he opened his eyes once more, trying to get up this time. He had felt an eternity pass between the two occasions when he was forced to wake up. 

   “No, no, Hanbin ssi, lie down again,” said Micha, a staff member. The oldest and the one who cared for them as if they were their own children.

Hanbin obeyed when he saw her brow wrinkled with obvious concern.

   “Are you better, Hanbinah?” Jaeho approached him. Hanbin tried to smile. “You looked bad since you left your room, forgive me for not paying more attention.” 

Hanbin denied, feeling awkward and stupid. How had he let things become that? The leader did not have time to feel bad and cause problems even if he was dying inside. 

Even if his world had fallen apart in a blink.

   “Excuse me for this, it won't happen again.” 

Jaeho shook his head.

    “You've worked hard, Hanbin, you don't have to apologize. Now rest a little, we can't stop the recording even if we wanted to, you know how things are.”

Obeying his manager, Hanbin leaned back in his seat, staring at the ceiling of the van.

He was so sad and anxious that there was no room for him to be angry at Junhoe for saying what he said. Or with himself for having done what he had done. For accepting something when everything in himself had asked him not to.

He let out a shaky breath, remembering Bobby's back as he left his room. A tear rolled down his cheek, quickly cleaned it, but another appeared and then another and then another until his crying was so much that his hands were insufficient. It was useless to want to stop his tears that way as if with that act the pain was going to be relieved and his demons drowned. 

He was afraid to get away more from Bobby, to have lost him again now that they had finally begun to approach. Now that he had felt how they both dusted the trunk where they had kept their friendship. 

How was he supposed to face him? How to see him in the eyes?

Had he destroyed everything they had worked for as teenagers? Had he spoiled everything? Was this their end? Was the group going to start falling apart? Would they be put on the face of having done this to them after all because of what they had to go through? All those tears shed when they had been young, almost children, and they had been afraid of losing everything, all those tears shed by fatigue and frustration in each trial, all those tears shed for the happiness of fulfilling their dreams, had they been for nothing? Had they been wasted by a selfish act on his part?

Trembling, he bent so he could hug his legs and continue to cry.

 

   He only allowed a few minutes to be in that state, the voices of the staff from afar reminded him of his only duty, reminded him that he couldn’t ruin everything he had, how much or little he had left. 

He took a deep breath and forced himself out of the van, going first to wash his face before going to get his makeup done.

The staff looked so worried about him. Hanbin clenched his mouth, adding things to the “Reasons why Kim Hanbin is the worst leader in the world” pile. 

He took a deep breath again. _You can't finish breaking you, Hanbin, not now. Not now._

   Seeing Junhoe approach where he was sitting while doing makeup only made things worse. Hanbin didn't want to see him. He didn't want to be near him, not in those moments. But this was something where both were stuck to the bottom.

Junhoe remained silent waiting for him. When Hanbin was ready, he walked to the set far enough from Junhoe to make it clear that he needed his space, but close enough not to leave him alone. Both walked in absolute silence. 

His heart was racing, causing his chest to ache; his stomach scrambled from the anxiety of facing his members. He couldn't imagine looking them in the eye.

He stopped dead when he saw Yunhyeong and Chanwoo turn towards him. When a staff boy moved an umbrella, revealing Bobby's face, Hanbin felt his legs tremble; unlike his last thoughts, his instinct told him to run away and never come home again. 

His mouth trembled when he saw that Bobby looked at him in the eyes for a second, but instantly fled from his gaze. 

His heart ached so much. He didn't know it could hurt more. 

He took a step back. 

He couldn’t do that. He couldn’t be there. He just couldn't. He no longer had strength. No longer.

When he took another step he crashed into Junhoe's chest, who held him by the waist.

    “B.I., come on.”

Hanbin pulled away from him almost in a jump as if he had burned him with his touch.

He shook his head and turned to go back to the van, he needed to hide from the world, from Bobby.

He was sorry, he really was sorry. He knew that this was not the attitude that a leader should have, he knew he didn’t have the right to flee, but he couldn’t face his group. He couldn’t face them. 

He couldn’t accept that Bobby will hate him.

    “Hanbin…” 

Junhoe took him by the wrist to stop him, perhaps his eyes filled with his own pain, but it was something Hanbin didn’t allow himself to see, engulfed in his own regrets, in deep wounds. He jerked away using the little physical strength he had left. Force he could only use to flee.

    “Leave me alone.” 

He didn’t start running as he would have liked, but he did move away from the set with long, trembling steps, putting away the call of his manager, the staff and his teammates from his ears. 

What could he do? What should he do? 

How he wished he could go back in time, never have been born.

_Just let me disappear. Why do I have to keep living? I never asked to do it._

Hanbin felt like he was going to go crazy, he felt so desperate. He was having trouble breathing again. Again he began to break from within. 

Swallowing hard. He managed to reach the van and, trembling, tried to open the door to reach the far corner, thinking only of snuggling in himself until he lost consciousness in the middle of his tears.

   “Hanbinah,” Jaeho called, was behind him. He had followed him.

Hanbin didn't want to turn. He didn't want anyone close. He knew it was his manager's job, but he didn't want him close.

    “Hyung, please give us some time. We’re gonna go soon.”

He froze completely upon hearing Bobby's voice. His eyes widened, his breathing agitated and unstable.

He needed to leave now, now, now. But he couldn’t move.

    “Hanbin... let's talk, okay?”

_No, no, no, no, no. Please go. Please don’t hate me. Please don’t tell me that you are disappointed, that I disgust you._

    “Hanbin, there's nothing to worry about. Everything is fine. Please look at me.” In a soft voice, Bobby approached him.

Hanbin shook his head. Again crying because his hard shell had broken the night before and now only the dirty and soft interior remained.

    “I'm sorry, hyung. I’m sorry.” 

He shuddered at feeling Bobby's hand touching his shoulder. Without using force, the older turned him around to face him. 

Hanbin kept his eyes on the floor, his brow furrowing, showing his suffering, his face soaked in tears, his eyes red and swollen. A decadent and exposed image, something that he had never been allowed to show to anyone, not even himself in the security of his loneliness. 

All that weakness. _So much_ weakness.  

   “God... Hanbin, stop crying.”

Bobby hugged him tightly. Hanbin drowned in his tears.

    “Sorry,” he muttered again.

    “Why the hell are you apologized? Hanbin, there is nothing for which you have to do it.”

     “Don't hate me, please, hyung, don't hate me.”

     “Where the hell do you get that I'm going to hate you? Hanbin, I could never hate you.” Bobby squeezed him harder. “Love is love, Hanbin. And I would never hate you for loving. You are free to do it, you are free to love whoever you want. Believe me, what I most want is you to be happy. I could never hate you…”

Hanbin didn't know whether to believe Bobby's words. If he spoke with the truth, then why did his voice seem to tremble? Why had he looked away? Why had he fled that way last night?

    “You really hate me,” Hanbin whispered, his heart being crushed inside his chest, causing his entire body to contract and from his throat, he released a moan like that of a wounded dog. 

Bobby walked away, taking him from the face with both hands, making him look into his eyes. 

Hanbin's mouth trembled when he saw that Bobby had red eyes and tears slid down his cheeks. His hyung was suffering. 

    “I do not hate you. But I'm upset because you think I do. I'm upset because you think I'm the type of person who would hate you for something like that. I'm upset because I thought we were friends, I thought you trusted me, I thought you believed in me. But it's not like that.”

Bobby dropped his hands to his sides, ducking his head as if surrendering. He took a step back, looked up trying to smile at him, but regretting halfway. 

When the older turned around, Hanbin reached out to hold him. His instinct beating his mind.

    “Hyung... I’m sorry. Hyung, please don't leave me.”

Bobby hugged him again in less than a second, with such force that Hanbin could not breathe, at the same time he felt he was doing better by having him this close.

    “It's all right, everything's fine, Hanbin. Everything is fine. I don’t hate you. No one hates you. Just as you are, we love you. I will not leave you, I will not go anywhere. I love you too much, I would never do that.”

Hanbin didn’t release Bobby until much later when they could no longer give them more time and it was time for them to put on their masks to go to work.

 

 

 ***

ItsBabi

@ OrNah

**I'm dying just like a bird that has been hunted by a cat. A cat that just wanted to torture him and then throw him away, without giving the final blow**

08:40 PM Sep 19, 2017 · Twitter for Android

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ItsBabi

@ OrNah

**I should have forgotten when I swore I would, when I thought I could do it. When I told myself that I would**

08:45 PM Sep 19, 2017 · Twitter for Android

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ItsBabi @ OrNah · Now

**but how do you forget? how do you stop loving? How do you forget when you're really just want to holding him on?**

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ItsBabi @ OrNah · Now

**How do you let go when what you really want is to stay, hold it, hide it from the sight of others?**

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ItsBabi @ OrNah · Now

**There was no person to make me forget even if I gave my all**

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ItsBabi @ OrNah · Now

**even when I thought I was falling for someone else, I was just looking for him... him on her (sorry Han)**

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ItsBabi @ OrNah · Now

**I just wanted to find him and have him for me... just for me**

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ItsBabi @ OrNah · Now

**but he never was for me... never will be**

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ItsBabi

@ OrNah

**I can't breathe, this hurts like hell, but much more real**

08:50 PM Sep 19, 2017 · Twitter for Android

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ItsBabi @ OrNah · Now

**How will I survive seeing him by his side, smiling for him as he never will for me?**

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ItsBabi @ OrNah · Now

**Even though I love to see him smile and it fills my heart, to see him loving someone else... breaks my soul**

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ItsBabi @ OrNah · Now

**but if it's your happiness or mine, I'm always going to bet on yours**

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ItsBabi

@ OrNah

**I knew there was something strange between them, I knew it, but I wanted to blind myself because I knew how things would end (for me)**

09:57 PM Sep 19, 2017 · Twitter for Android

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ItsBabi @ OrNah · Now

**I knew I would lose it in a more remote place and unattainable**

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ItsBabi @ OrNah · Now

**I knew that the emptiness would get bigger and swallow me more easily**

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ItsBabi

@OrNah

**I feel so lonely**

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ItsBabi @ OrNah · Now

**A loneliness that is with me since I decided to walk away, a loneliness that now bathes every pore of my being**

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ItsBabi

@ OrNah

**He really believes that I'm a bad person. He doesn't know me anymore**

10:33 PM Sep 19, 2017 · Twitter for Android

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ItsBabi @ OrNah · Now

**Does he still consider me his friend? He cries because he doesn't want me to hate him, but he doesn't trust me**

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ItsBabi @ OrNah · Now

**I lost him. I will never be able to recover him. Was our friendship such a fine thread?**

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ItsBabi @ OrNah · Now

**I'm out of your life, I'm just a co-worker, right?**

10:43 PM Sep 19, 2017 · Twitter for Android

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ItsBabi @ OrNah · Now

**Am I something for him? I no longer know what to believe, what to feel. I really don't want to feel anymore**

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 ***

 

They were gathered in the upstairs living room. 

Everyone.

Hanbin in the middle of the sofa, Junhoe next to him, the rest of the group sitting in front of them on the floor except for Bobby, who was leaning against the far window.  

Although Hanbin now felt a little calm thanks to Bobby, to those words he had said to assure him that everything would be fine, to those looks he had given during the recording —each one with a smile that sought to give him strength and confident— it felt bad to see him so far. But Bobby had told him that he didn't hate him, that he wouldn't leave him and Hanbin wanted to believe him. He needed to do it. Bobby was his lifeboat, his paddle... and the sea where he was sinking.

   From the corner of his eyes, he saw that Junhoe was uneasy. He knew the reason was none other than Jinhwan, who was frowning with arms crossed over his chest. That aggressive side that he generally kept hidden was now visible. A dangerous and furious feline that waited until the last second to launch its sharp claws in a relentless attack. 

Hanbin looked at his other members, his lifelong friends. Donghyuk had that worried gesture that caused him so much tenderness (but that he would never express in words): his eyebrows raised slightly, his eyes wide open and his mouth becoming smaller, a tiny pink circle. Chanwoo, like Jinhwan, also had his arms crossed over his chest and didn't take off his stare from Hanbin. Yunhyeong looked at him insistently but assuring him with that single gesture that everything was fine.

   “So what do you have to tell us?” Jinhwan asked looking at Junhoe, breaking the awkward silence that had been oppressing them for long minutes. 

Hanbin wanted to laugh at Jinhwan, no matter how much his hyung tried to mask his anger with a flat tone, his whole body indicated the tension he felt. 

Hanbin looked away from the major, watching the rest of his friends. Everybody was tired, it was too late and they had to get up early the next day. He could not delay the truth.  

    “We... we don't want this to affect the group,” he said, trying to sound confident, his seriousness was evident, but also his fear. “This doesn’t have to affect iKON. I know that as a leader I haven’t been doing things well, I know that I have failed a lot, that today I was very unprofessional, that I have made many mistakes, but I will not let this affect the group. Please, don't let that happen either. Don't turn your back on us, please.”

    “Hyung?” Donghyuk was the only one who didn't seem to know. He was the only one who looked so bewildered, lost in his own uncertainty.

Hanbin took a breath.

If Bobby hadn't seen them last night... 

If Junhoe hadn't opened his mouth on the way to the set ... 

If he had never accepted that relationship... (again).

If he had not been carried away by the need that had grown in him to feel so alone ...

All actions and decisions, good or bad, were going after him. Hunting him.

   “Junhoe and I.” He paused for a long time, unsure of saying what he was going to say. When those words came out of his mouth everything would be completely real. “Maybe this is strange. Actually, it is very strange, even for me to say it, because it is something unexpected and almost sounds fake.” He tried to laugh, but his smile trembled halfway, making him look more insecure and more fearful. “Junhoe and I… We are dating.”

Hanbin swallowed, avoiding first the look of his members, but in the end taking a big breath, getting the courage to face them. A man had to face his fears with his forehead raised, no matter how much that cost him. 

Although three (four) of them already knew it, everyone seemed surprised at his statement. Those words out of his own mouth had really settled reality right now, in front of them, in that room.

Jinhwan soon changed his gesture, frowning, but keeping quiet.

    “Hyung... is this real or are you joking?” Donghyuk asked, looking away to Bobby and then back to Hanbin and Junhoe.

 _I wish it was a joke, Donghyukie, I really wanted it_.

Now that everyone knew, Hanbin could not simply regret deciding to give his relationship with Junhoe another chance. Bobby had seen them, there was no way to handle all that as a joke.

    “This isn’t something to joke, Donghyuk. Be more respectful to them,” Bobby said from where he stood.

Hanbin and Donghyuk turned to see him immediately. The rapper was quite serious, still staring out the window. His voice was hoarse. It was a completely different reprimand to those he gave playing to his favourite dongsaeng.

    “Hanbin hyung, we are not upset, we are not going to stop being your friends, nor are we going to consider you strangers, weirdos. You are Hanbin hyung and Junhoe is Junhoe, and it will remain that way forever. It's unexpected because it's Junhoe and... I don't think you two... But that doesn't matter, we are iKON, the seven, and we'll be together until the end no matter what.”

Hanbin turned to see Chanwoo who had just spoken, he sounded so sincere and serious and mature. Both smiled with small smiles; one assuring his words, the other thanking them. From the bottom of his heart.

   “Juneyah, do you want to say something?” Yunhyeong asked, his voice calm and steady without losing that affection that could easily be heard in his voice when he was not playing around or scolding.

Hanbin turned to see the boy next to him. He looked so small. All the confident he used to have or pretend had been reduced to nothing.  

Looking forward, Hanbin realized that Junhoe was intimidated by Jinhwan's insistent gaze. He looked at him as if he expected him to deny everything and throw himself into his arms, away from Hanbin.

Annoyed at how his hyung was acting, he put his hand on Junhoe's shoulder, wanting to make him feel better, but not having the courage to hold his hand.

    “Man, you was the first to drop it, don’t be quiet now, you don’t need to” he tried to joke to reduce the tension.

Junhoe let out an awkward nervous laugh.

    “B.I. was the one who was afraid of being hated, but I think now it's me who feels that way.” His mouth shook, Junhoe was just a melancholy and lonely boy, loud and cheerful on many occasions, but with an interior full of sadness and doubts, just like Hanbin. “I don't want us to lose this, that iKON ceases to be a family and that you treat us carefully, that you set a limit, that you see us differently or judge us when we turn our backs to you. I feel anxious to know that things are going to change from now on.”

Hanbin saw Junhoe's eyes turn red as he spoke. In the end, the boy ended up crying thick tears that fell heavily to his knees. 

He lowered his hand to take Junhoe's at the same time that Yunhyeong and Donghyuk approached to hug him tightly.

Hanbin knew his members well, he knew they were good, nice and kind-hearted boys, but even so, he was very happy to see that there was not a hint of doubt or repulsion when they touched Junhoe. They were themselves being the same as always.

Neither hate nor dislike. Only that fraternal love that had been forged through all those dark and bright days, of all the pain and all the joy they had shared together in each rehearsal, each outing, each night staying up late, telling happy and sad anecdotes, each time they leaned on someone else's shoulder or that they themselves were the support of the other. Just like now.

A knot stuck in his throat, but he decided to ignore it.

    “Yah, Juneyah, nothing will change, didn't you hear Chanwoo? You are the same, this is not strange or bad, okay? Don’t worry. iKON is iKON and you are an important member, just like each of us. Why would something change just because of you like men? That is not logical. Calm down,” Yunhyeong said, trying to calm him down, but he also cried. “What is not logical is that you look at Hanbin when you having me here. Do you know that I am the visual? I can't believe you have such bad taste and that is something we can judge.”

Everyone laughed a little, relaxed at Yunhyeong's playful and affectionate tone. Hanbin felt warmth in his chest. Yunhyeong was that older brother full of empathy, the one who would cry with you or for you. 

     “It's okay, Junhoe, everything's fine.” Donghyuk hugged him by the side, rubbing his back with one hand, his head sunk in his shoulder. 

Donghyuk had always been good with hugs, calmed hurt hearts and filled painful gaps with the perfect degree of warmth.

Hanbin watched Jinhwan. His angry gesture had softened, his eyes tender at the image of Junhoe crying. Hanbin wanted to be surprised at all the love in that look, but he knew the truth, perhaps even the one that his hyung didn't want to expose even for himself.

The older rose from the ground, approaching Junhoe, made the other two moved away so that he could kneel in front of the boy, taking him by the hands —taking away Hanbin's without much tact— seeing Junhoe in the eyes.

    “Junhoe, you're perfect from head to toe, from the inside out and nothing changes that. Whether you're in love with a man _or_ dating one, none of that makes you less. You are perfect. You are appreciated. And I love you like that, just like you are.”

Hanbin almost narrowed his eyes at the obvious double intention of Jinhwan's words. 

   “Jinani…” Junhoe stammered, it seemed he couldn't speak.

The older hugged him tightly, Junhoe buried his face in his neck, clinging to him and those words that he would surely want to hear in another situation, in another reality.

    “Ok, since we all cry and laugh and tell each other how much we love each other and now that everything is fine in this beautiful cotton cloud, I want to know what we are gonna dinner. I'm starving,” Bobby said, moving away from the window and heading toward the kitchen, acting as normal, as if they had only had another meeting to talk about anything, not something serious, something that many would consider a horrible sin. “Do you cook some, Yunhyeong? Something delicious, but fast.”

Everyone stared at him like he was crazy. Hanbin was the only one to feel relieved and the first to smile and get up to go after him. He wanted to prove that his hyung had told the truth. And also, just like Bobby, he wanted to make this topic something easy to pass. There was no reason to get stuck in that. The worst was over, right?.

    “Hyung, what if I order some pizzas? You want?” 

Bobby stirred some things inside the refrigerator before turning to see him, offering him a can of soda. 

    “Order one with extra cheese,” he replied with a smile that Hanbin feared was not sincere but tried not to see beyond, not to create stories in his head. Although he had always been good at doing that.

The rest move into the kitchen as well, occupying seats at the kitchen bar while Yunhyeong complained and began to take the meat out of the freezer, saying that he would also cook. 

Hanbin sat away from Junhoe, at the other end of the bar. 

He didn't want to avoid him, but he didn't want to be near him. 

He didn't hate him, but he didn't want to see him. 

He didn't want to feel angry, but he was.

_I'm sorry, Junhoe._

Chanwoo dropped into the seat next to him, smiling at him. Hanbin imitated his gesture, with a true feeling, not just an act. Chanwoo smiled happier.

   “What?”

   “Will you be the Hanbin hyung from before? The one who smiles and jokes and scolds us.”

Hanbin didn’t know if he could be the same as before. It was a relief that his friends knew his true self, but... There was still a lot that pain inside him.

   “Of course, I'm gonna scold you twice for every time I measured before, Jung Chanwoo.”

The maknae complained with a pout that made everyone laugh, even Junhoe who was sipping through his nose and tears still falling down his cheeks, Jinhwan beside him, did not seem to ever draw away. But for that day it was fine, although tomorrow could be painful for Junhoe, Hanbin knew that at that moment, what Junhoe needed most was to lean on Jinhwan.

 

   It was a good dinner. One in which Hanbin felt integrated and loved. One where again he could see his group as what they were, exactly as they were: a family.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you think, I love to read comments ♥ 
> 
> Thanks for continue at Hanbin's side. If you can, please don't stop to loving him, to loving them ♥


	12. 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my dare ones, how are you? I think that not good after watched Bobby being so sad in the concerts when we know how happy boy he's. I understand you...
> 
> Talkin' about the story just wanna say that the sad falling apart finished here. Hanbin is broken since so time ago, but he falls the last time here before begin to climb up. So, I'm so sorry if you dislike this chapter —sometimes I don't understand why I write this kind of things, I don't know, the blame is on my fingers, not on me.
> 
> (But that doesn't mean sad Hanbin ended here).

B E S T  F R I E N D S 

Twelve

_ Where he falls but is raised _

    Hanbin was sitting on the floor of his room watching an inaccurate point on the wall, his back leaning against the bed. 

Twenty minutes ago he had arrived from the recording of his solo scenes for the MV. He had showered, put on a sports pants and sat in that exact place, staying still. 

He hadn’t seen Bobby for a day and a half. 

A day and a half that felt more like an eternity than thirty-six hours. 

Bobby had assured him that nothing would change; even in front of the whole group he had behaved with surprising normality, but of course, he had changed, right? Of course, everything was different between the two of them despite the words of encouragement and the looks that had tried to be confident and genuine that day. 

   It was not as if he did not remember that months ago he had been the first who disappear when he had decided that he could no longer, that he needed a little distance between them because it was too difficult to live with Bobby when he clearly knew that his love would never be his. Because, of course, he remembered how he had been locked up for days in his studio or Jaewon's and how he had even stopped sleeping in his own dorm. 

And, of course, he remembered that since they had split into two departments he used to see his members only when they had practices or recordings, but... 

But Hanbin wanted and needed Bobby with him.

   Before, the person whom Hanbin had most wanted to say that perhaps he was not  _ normal _ , had been to Bobby. The first person he had fallen in love with. The first who had made him feel that he was  _ different.  _

Bobby had been his first love but before that his best friend. Hanbin had spent years wishing to express himself, revealing his biggest secret: he doesn't like girls as much as boys — he. 

But he never did, fear had always devoured the little courage he had managed to infuse himself by saying that Bobby would never leave him when he knew the truth, having remembered every experience together, having seen it in the eyes and feeling all the appreciation that his friend had him.

Bobby had been raised in a Christian-based family, his faith in his religion. A religion that professed love, but only understood and believed in  _ normal love _ . 

Whenever Hanbin had thought about getting rid of the weight he carried for his preferences, whenever he had told himself that he was brave, that he believed in Bobby, he had ended up remembering that time when, being little teenagers, Jinhwan had asked Bobby for all the freedoms in America and, jumping from one subject to another, Bobby had said that in his church he had been told that being gay was a sin. 

A sin. 

When Jinhwan had asked him if he believed that, Bobby had replied that if the Bible said so, then perhaps it was true. 

Bobby was more liberal than them. Bobby was more understanding than them. But Bobby was someone who believed fervently in his religion. And, although they had known of companions or acquaintances of whom there were rumours _ ,  _ and Bobby had treated them all equally, Hanbin had always been afraid of his rejection. And that's why he had always been silent. 

Now he was in this situation, with his brothers, his members, his best friends, knowing one of his darkest secrets; dating a fellow —a man he didn't love; feeling twice as lonely because he had ended up completely losing the most important person in his life. 

   His phone rang. He looked away just a little to see the screen. It was a new text from Junhoe that he decided not to open. He still didn't want to see him or hear him or read him or even think about him. 

Again he looked at the wall, this time telling himself to get up and go to the studio and get to work. There was no response from his body. 

Long, long minutes passed until he was finally able to move, but instead of getting up, he lay on the floor on his side, his gaze without departing from that point on the wall. On his cheeks, he felt warm drops slipping. His chest ached from the emptiness that Bobby had left once more in him. Sometimes he thought it would be easier to blame his hyung for all his pain, but it was ridiculous to blame someone for not loving you in the same way that you loved their. 

   Sometime later, when his eyes ached and tears began to freeze before drying on his skin, Hanbin thought he heard a couple of knocks on his door. 

   “Hey, can I come in?” 

As soon as he heard that voice, his mind shook, wanting his body to finally obey him and get up. 

The door of his room opened slowly. 

   “You are alone, right? Yunhyeong told me that Junhoe had a recor... ding ...” 

He felt Bobby's hands touching his body and face. When he could focus his face, he noticed that his frowned and his gaze agitated. 

_ He still cares about me.  _ Hanbin thought with a spark of joy.  _ Maybe he really doesn't hate me. Maybe I shouldn't doubt him. _

   “Hanbin, tell me what happens.” 

_ But maybe he does, he doesn't call me Hanbinnie anymore.  _

Thick tears filled his eyes again before rolling down his cheeks, the pain in his chest clenching his heart. 

His greatest enemy had always been himself and that dark voice that threw crammed thoughts of his greatest fears. 

   “Hey, hey, calm down, baby, calm down.” Bobby hugged him, making Hanbin's torso stay on his lap. “Tell me what happened. You... fought with... Junhoe?” 

Hanbin clearly heard the hesitation in Bobby's voice. His hyung didn't want to talk about it. Because his hyung disliked knowing what Hanbin was. 

More tears. Hanbin wanted to throw himself into Bobby's arms and ask him to forgive him, not to hate him. Now he didn't care if his hyung couldn't love him the same way Hanbin did, all he wanted was for him to stay with him, love him as a friend and be his support.  

   “Shh, shhh, calm down, you're not alone, baby, Binnie, you're not alone. I'm here.” 

This time his body moved on its own, climbing on Bobby until he sat on his lap, hugging him by the neck and sinking his head into the small gap he had left between them. 

He felt great relief when he noticed Bobby's strong arms clinging to his waist and he himself clung more to him. 

   “I don't know what's going on, Binnie, but here I am, so calm down.” 

Hanbin couldn’t speak. He wanted to tell Bobby so many things, but he was so afraid. He just wanted to stay like this forever, in his warm arms, until his eyes closed and they never saw the light of day again. 

   “Hey, Binnie, 'm gonna lift you and lay you on the bed, ‘kay?” 

Hanbin shook his head, crying louder because he thought Bobby would leave. 

   “Hey, don't worry, I won't go anywhere. I'll stay by your side, ‘kay?” 

He plunged his face deeper into Bobby’s neck, feeling his throat open to finally let him speak. 

   “Fo... fo-or e-eve-ever?” He asked hesitantly in a whispered and hoarse stutter, his voice shaking.  

At that time, he cared little about his position as a leader or the facade of the impenetrable, proud and stoic being that had been built over the years  —and had fallen days ago. 

At that time he was broken and all he wanted was to be rebuilt by the warm hands of the person he loved.

Bobby moved a hand from his waist to his legs, rising from the ground in a rapid motion, Hanbin seemed not to weigh him at all. 

   “Shit, why do you weigh less and less?” 

Hanbin felt his back touching the mattress of his bed and Bobby moving away from his body. Frightened because he turned away from him and because he hadn't answered his question, he gently held his face. 

   “Hy-hyung…”

Bobby had the red eyes, frown, it was like he was struggling with himself for not mourn. Hanbin's heart broke when he saw him suffer. If there were any happiness left in his tired and dry heart, he wouldn't hesitate for a moment to give it to his hyung. 

   “Forever, Hanbinnie, I'll be with you forever.” Bobby stroked his face with one hand, Hanbin bowed to that touch, closing his eyes. “Don't be afraid of me, Hanbinnie. You still think that I hate you, right? You think I'm gonna reject you.” Without opening his eyes, Hanbin nodded. “Binnie, if I hated you, I wouldn't be here suffering when I saw you in pain. How funny, after all these years and everything we've been through together, you still don't understand how treasured you are to me.” 

Hanbin opened his eyes, excited, incredulous. In his hyung's gaze, he saw that he seemed so sincere. 

He wanted to believe him and then he did.

The desire to hug him and kiss him and tell him that he loved him almost seized him. His body trembled, wanting to free himself from all the stress and anxiety caused by not being able to say what he felt and not being able to act based on those feelings.  

He bit his lip to not let go of anything that would destroy that moment and forced his body to stand firm, not to give in to his most impure desires. 

   “Hy-yung, you're the mo-more impor-tant fo-or me. Hyung, don’t ha-hate m-me.” 

There was something in Bobby's look, a tenderness that melted, but also a pain that freeze.

Before Hanbin could say anything else, two thick tears gushed from Bobby's eyes.

Hanbin was scared, but immediately Bobby smiled sweetly and leaned down to give him a tender kiss on the forehead that made Hanbin feel warmer and loved and accepted than ever in his life. 

   “I never would, I could never hate you. And I will repeat it to you until you believe me until you have no doubts can hurt you.”

Hanbin pulled him with his arms. Bobby slowly dropped his body on his, settled in the middle of his legs, his face in the hollow of his neck, his arms clinging tightly to his waist.

Smiling, at last, Hanbin took a deep breath, filling him in Bobby's masculine scent. A scent that screamed  _ home _ .

Hanbin enjoyed being able to feel his hyung's weight on his, the perfect way they fit their bodies and the heat he gave him and brought him back to life. 

Only for a small moment was he allowed to fantasize, imagining that this was a custom in his relationship, that the love he felt was reciprocated and with this type of act it was as Bobby would say ‘I love you’. 

   “Hey, are you better now?” Asked Bobby a long time later, when Hanbin's breathing had become calm and no sob was coming from his chest. 

They were still hugging, but both on their sides, facing each other.

Bobby had one hand on Hanbin's waist, with the other he kept his head a little high so he could see the boy.

Hanbin had not freed him at any time, still a little fearful. Now his hands were on Bobby's chest, tracing the figures on his sweatshirt with one of his fingers.

   “Yes,” Hanbin whispered. “I'm sorry, Bobbhyung, you've had to see many pathetic sides of me.”

Bobby squeezed his waist. 

   “Hey, look at me, Binnie, don't say that. There is nothing pathetic in you.” 

Hanbin felt a tingle at the sight of Bobby leaning a little towards him. How he would like to believe that his hyung felt the same desire he had to kiss him. 

With a small but sincere smile, Hanbin moved to sink his face into Bobby's chest. He was immediately surprised at the strong and rapid heartbeat of his hyung. 

   “Are you all right, Bobbhyung?”

Bobby cleared his throat before speaking. 

   “Of course I'm not well. I’m very worried about you, but also very happy that you have understood there isn’t a way for me to leave you, there is no way for me to sto…”

Hanbin's heart stopped. Bobby had been about to tell him that he would never stop loving him, right? He pursed his mouth, angry at whoever had marked his hyung, interrupting him. 

_ It's Hanuel. _

He felt his heart drop in his stomach, disappointed because he was sure that Bobby would leave. Hanuel before Hanbin, that's the way it was.

Bobby stepped away, releasing his waist to pull the phone from his trouser pocket, even so, Hanbin didn’t move, instead, was more clung to him. A selfish act, but one that Hanbin couldn’t contain.

   “ _ Omma,  _ 'm sorry we won't go to dinner,” Bobby said immediately when he answered. 

Hanbin raised his head to see him. Bobby was looking at him and as soon as his eyes met, he smiled. 

   “Hanbinnie doesn't feel well,  _ omma _ , we'll have to leave the dinner for another day... Yeah, I'm sorry. I didn't know this morning... Wait,  _ omma…”  _ Bobby covered his phone, looking at Hanbin. “What's happen, Binnie?” 

Hanbin bit his lip before speaking. 

   “I... I want to go to hyung's house... If hyung wants to take me.” 

Bobby's cheeks stained a faint pink hue. 

   “Why’re ya talkin’ to me like that?” Bobby whispered it could be heard as if he lacked the air. Hanbin did not understand what he meant. “You can't go being so cute,” Bobby stammered a second later. “Omma, I think you heard Hanbinnie, we'll be home in an hour.”

Hanbin sank his face back into Bobby's chest.

He had called Hanbin cute. Again Bobby had said he was cute.

He couldn’t contain his smile or that his heart raced furiously.

 

***

ItsBabi

@OrNah

**Theres nthing that destroys a heart as much as seein the person u love cry**

07:15 PM Sep 21, 2017 · Twitter for Android

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ItsBabi @ OrNah · Now

**I’d giv all da happiness corresponds 2me in this life as long as he never sheds a single tear again**

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ItsBabi @ OrNah · Now

**I’d do anything 2not see him suffer. I’d do anything to erase all his pain**

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ItsBabi

@OrNah

**4 a moment I felt his eyes were telling me I love u... (da kind of I love u I wanted it 2b 4me)**

07:18 PM Sep 21, 2017 · Twitter for Android

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**When he stopped cryin and hugged me so hard I felt like we were 4each other, I felt like I had come home**

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ItsBabi

@OrNah

**He’s da only home I wanna have**

07:25 PM Sep 21, 2017 · Twitter for Android

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ItsBabi

@OrNah

**I held him with all my love although I know it's wrong, I have to let him go...**

07:27 PM Sep 21, 2017 · Twitter for Android

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ItsBabi

@OrNah

**But it was nice 2 blieve 4 a moment that he loved me da same way I love him**

07:31 PM Sep 21, 2017 · Twitter for Android

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***

  Hanbin was with his head resting on Bobby's shoulder. He knew he was abusing his lucky and how weak he looked at the moment in his hyung's eyes, but he simply couldn't control his instincts —not all of them. 

Bobby had a hand resting casually on his knee, a gesture had previously been most normal between them and Hanbin was happy to have back.

One of his managers took them to the house of his hyung's parents, the _playlist_ of his favourite music playing on the van.

   “Did you tell Junhoe that you were coming with me?” Bobby asked after glancing at his phone, which had vibrated a few moments ago. 

Hanbin frowned without turning to see him, he didn't want to talk about Junhoe in those moments. Nor ever, not with Bobby at least. Jaewon was the one for that topic, the only one who knew —until two days ago— his preferences. Rather, the only one who had known that he was in love with Bobby. 

_ Junhoe also knew.  _

   “I haven't talked to him, why?” 

   “Jinani hyung asked me if I had seen you ‘cause Junhoe is lookin’ for you.” 

Hanbin clenched his mouth in a line, why was Jinhwan hyung helping Junhoe locate him? 

   “I don't think it's something urgent, don't worry, hyung.” 

Bobby approached his ear, muttering so only Hanbin could hear him. 

   “Junhoe did something bad to you, Hanbin? You know you can trust me, right? If he hurt you, he will have to deal with me.” 

Hanbin wanted to hug Bobby again, he felt so safe by his side. It was so long, so long since he felt that way. 

   “Hyung, don't worry, okay? Oh, we're here, how short the trip was, “he said to change the subject.”

Bobby nodded without saying anything else, he clearly understood that Hanbin didn't want to talk about it.

Both thanked his manager, Bobby told him there was no need to return for them, that they would return in a taxi. Not very sure, his manager was convinced.

   Bobby's house was just as Hanbin remembered it. Two floors, large windows, a short path to the main entrance. Everything in that house shouted  _ home _ . 

Since the first time Hanbin had seen the house when he accompanied Bobby and his aunt to choose it after Bobby won SMTM, Hanbin had wanted something like that for him, for them. He had seen Bobby's happiness in his eyes, in his smile, and had immediately thought that he wanted to give something like that to Bobby. Thinking of building a home for the person he loved most had made his chest bubble with a warm feeling, something cosy that had made him think of how satisfied he would be if he could give that to Bobby.

A small, longing smile slid into his mouth. That had been an impossible wish, something that could never come true. 

He thought of the house of his dreams in a place near the sea. If he built that house with the love he felt for Bobby, even if he was not by his side, could he still feel those walls and windows as his home or would it just be the empty skeleton of a dream too big, too beautiful? 

Bobby placed one hand on his shoulder, with the other he opened the door for him and invited him in. Hanbin left all those feelings in a corner. It was not a time to be sad or to miss things that would never happen. 

The house smelled like homemade food. Hanbin closed his eyes to fill himself more with that scent, his mouth-watering. He had not enjoyed Bobby's mother's meal for a long time.

While he was taking off his shoes, he thought about Hanuel and whether she had ever eaten any of the dishes Bobby liked best or if she had cooked for him. He thought that it would soon be common for her to visit Bobby's family, even when he wasn't around. Bobby's mother was a generous and kind woman, she would surely care for Hanuel soon. If she hadn't already done so. Anyone who won Bobby's heart would also win his mother's.

    “Hanbinnie!” 

He raised his head to see Bobby's mother's cheerful smile. He was immediately wrapped in a warm and tight hug.

    “Mrs...  _ Omoni.” _

Bobby's mother grabbed his face, gently pinching his cheeks before walking away, his smile as bright as a sunny summer day. No wonder Bobby's smile was so beautiful, his mother had inherited that beautiful gesture.

   “What a joy to have you at home, Hanbinnie. I made all your favourite meals. When my Bobby told me you wouldn't come, I was very sad. But here you are.” Bobby's mother stroked his face again. “Your eyes are red, what happened? Are you sick, Hanbinnie?” 

Hanbin shook his head, he didn't know how to answer that. 

    “ _ Omma,  _ I'm here too. You always forget me when you see Hanbinnie.”

Bobby's mother laughed and went to give her son a hug and a kiss on the cheek. 

   “You can't get jealous of Hanbinnie, Bobbyah, he's your other half, so I love you equally.”

Hanbin opened his eyes wide, surprised. His chest ached from how much he liked those words. 

He watched Bobby's gesture carefully, that soft, gentle smile. Although his hyung seemed happy, there was something about him, a sad and grey shadow. A shadow that made Hanbin couldn't stop clinging to all his doubts. 

    “I'm not his other half,  _ omma _ , Hanbinnie already has someone who occupies that place.” 

Hanbin shuddered to hear Bobby, fear settling in his gut. Was Bobby going to tell his mother what Hanbin was? His heartbeat very fast. He didn't want to, he didn't want to upset Bobby's mother, that she would never receive him with a hug so affectionate or that she would stop seeing him with so much love.

    “Bobby hyung…” He stammered, shaking his head when Bobby turned to see him. 

He could feel the burning of tears that had already formed in his eyes.

Bobby immediately released his mother to go with him. Both hands immediately cupped to his face. Their bodies almost colliding with each other for how close Bobby had been placed himself. 

    “Hey, calm down, everything is fine, Hanbinnie. There is nothing wrong with this, okay?” He whispered low enough so only he would listen. “Besides, I wasn't going to say any of  _ that _ , so don’t worry. I would never do anything to harm you.” 

Hanbin nodded, blinking to chase away his tears. When would he stop crying, feeling so weak? It was as if from the first day he had collapsed he could no longer control himself. 

    “Hanbinnie? What happens with you, my child?” 

Bobby turned around, sliding his hands away from Hanbin, making him feel an icy current when he stopped touching him. 

    “Nothing,  _ omma,  _ Hanbin is ashamed. But let's not talk about it. Let's eat. Have you seen how thin he is? We need to fill him until he gains all the weight he has lost.”

Hanbin thanked Bobby's mother for not pressing the issue, but he was sad that Bobby called him just by name. Had he disgusted him again?

   Although he had been unsure of how dinner would take place because of his —ridiculous — behaviour there was no discomfort in the atmosphere. 

Bobby's parents were very happy to have him there. They had told him so many times already, that Hanbin had finally begun to believe them. 

His talk was enjoyable and fun. Hanbin was increasingly excited to hear the stories of Bobby's childhood or that of his parents. He knew each one of these stories well, because Bobby's family liked them so much that they had been told many times already in these years, but Hanbin loved each one of them and always listened to them paying attention and laughing at the funny parts, because he enjoyed hearing them so much that they still seemed as fun as the first time he had heard them. 

It had been a long time since Hanbin did eat so much or that he enjoyed each flavour so much. He had not relaxed that way for a long time, allowing himself to laugh with real joy, to the point where his stomach and cheeks ached. It had been a long time since he had felt happiness filling him from the inside and then reflected on his face that way.

He knew that perhaps all this was a mirage in the middle of the desert, but he was enjoying every sip of that nonexistent water.

   “Bobbyah, you should have invited your girlfriend too,” said Mr Kim after he finished telling one of those anecdotes of the days of courtship with his wife.  

Hanbin's hand trembled a little, stopping for a second, before putting the last bite in his mouth. 

If he hadn't heard Bobby's father mention Hanuel, he probably would have continued to eat all night. Now, on the other hand, he felt his stomach upset. Looking at his plate, he realized that dinner would never be as meaningful to Bobby's family as it would be to have his son's future wife there.

His throat closed at that thought: future wife.

He could clearly see Bobby marrying in front of an altar, kissing Hanuel, telling him that he would love her forever. He could see him growing up next to her, his eyes full of happiness to have his own house, his own home where to cement his own family. He could see him looking forward to the swollen belly of his children's mother, waiting anxiously to meet his future baby. He could see him smiling at his son in his arms, caressing the little princess that hung on his legs. 

He could see everything that would never be for him. What he could not even offer himself to anyone.

And again, no matter how happy he had been a few moments ago, he felt small and insignificant again. And again he wondered if there was anything of value in him that he could offer anyone. 

He stirred the food on his plate, realizing that silence had devoured the table. When he looked up, he first saw Bobby's mother. She always seemed to know everything because she saw him with dismay that only mothers who are full of love can have.

Hanbin tried to smile at her. He really tried.

    “The thing is…” Bobby said, pausing for a long time. Hanbin forced himself to see him. “The thing is, I'm not dating her anymore. Broke up. She broke up with me,” he clarified, his hands making gestures that sought to downplay the matter. 

Hanbin opened his eyes wide. 

How had Hanuel ended up with Bobby? Bobby loved her! How dare she do that to him? Now he understood why Bobby had been acting strange.

Moving without thinking, he placed his hand on his hyung's shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze.

    “Bobbhyung…”

Bobby shook his head, smiling at him.

    “It's nothing, Hanbin, no one has died, don’t make that face.” 

Hanbin looked him in the eye, as dismayed by Bobby as his mother had been for him seconds ago.

    “Baby, why didn't you mention anything? What happened? How you feel?” Asked Mrs Kim. 

    “Son, I'm sorry, I didn't know…” was all Mr Kim managed to say before Bobby cut him with a smile.

    “Everything is fine, don't have to worry about that. Actually, I think it was the best... She deserves someone better. Someone who can give him everything that I don't. It’s ‘kay, really.”

Bobby's mother raised her hand, moving her across the table so she could reach her son's and give her full support with that gesture.

   The dinner ended in a strange silence; Not uncomfortable, but not pleasant either. 

 Hanbin asked Bobby if it was better to leave, but the older immediately denied saying it was too early. 

They watched a movie with Bobby's parents, one of those old foreign films that Mr Kim liked so much. He and Bobby sitting on the floor, shoulder to shoulder, Bobby’s parents on the couch, hugging each other. 

At some point in the movie, Hanbin ended up leaning his head on Bobby's shoulder. He really liked doing that, it was as if his head belonged to that place. Sometimes he also felt that he belonged to the hollow of his neck or to the flat and firm place above his heart. But Hanbin knew that, in reality, he didn't belong anywhere, everything was his fantasy. 

Sometimes his imagination was a beautiful gift, sometimes just a curse that helped with his self-torture. 

When he reacted to his actions, he tried to move back to his place. Bobby didn’t allow it. He put an arm around his shoulders and pulled him back to him. Again, that strange and satisfying thought crossed his mind:  _ home _ .

He knew he shouldn't be doing any of this. He knew that in the end, he would only harm himself. He knew he should get away from that warm body. But he did not. And he wouldn't do it unless Bobby asked him to. 

    “Hanbinnie,” Bobby whispered in his ear, causing an electric current to run through his entire body. “Let's go to my room.”

He didn't even let him answer. He made him get up, said goodbye to his parents who were going to watch another movie and, holding his wrist, made him go with him to the top floor. 

Hanbin felt nervous. Very nervous. He had no reason, it wasn't as if he went into Bobby's room being more than a friend, but still, Hanbin couldn't help imagining. Hanbin was always imagining. 

With a flushed face, he entered the room. 

Everything remained the same as before, only clean. Bobby's room in his parents' house was always clean when he wasn't close for long. 

The curtains and the quilt were dark blue. There was a small desk, tennis and more tennis boxes, a closet too full of clothes, and a few other things put here and there. Hanbin noticed the small and significant changes the older had made. Unlike the bedrooms, here the photos were not only of Bobby but of Bobby and the rest of iKON. Some were old photos that he had already seen. Others were recent, all gifts from fans.

Hanbin was a corner where there were pictures and drawings of only the two of them, only of Hanbin and Bobby. Many had DoubleB or BOBB.I written. Hanbin blushed at the kind of look he had in each of those photos. How obvious were his feelings? Had Bobby noticed them? More important, didn't Bobby hate that? Whenever they mentioned things like ships or bromance in the group, Bobby seemed disgusted with everything. However, there, in the privacy of the room, he had that. When had he placed them? Hanbin thought about the last time he had been in Bobby's room, that had been more than a year and a half ago.

    “Hanbinnie,” Bobby called, causing him to look away from the corner full of photographs. “Would you mind if we lay down for a while? Wanna take a nap.”

Hanbin laughed at him. Bobby really was a sloth. 

    “Hyung, maybe you should wait until we get to the dorms. I'm going to look for a taxi,” he said, taking out his phone and opening an app.

Bobby took off his phone and threw it into his pants pocket.

    “Uh-uh,” Bobby denied, then lay on the bed on his back. “Don’t wanna leave yet, don't know when I have a chance to come back.”

Knowing how sad that made Bobby, Hanbin let him do. 

He looked at the chair by the desk, thinking about going to sit there on while Bobby was resting, but as soon as he slid in that direction, Bobby opened his eyes and stopped him with one foot on his thighs. 

    “Where’re you going?” 

Hanbin pointed to the chair.

    “Not too far from your snoring, hyung.”

Bobby rolled his eyes.

    “I haven't even slept yet, and I don't snore, you know it well.” Bobby looked at him for an eternal second before speaking again. “Lie down here, you always did when you came. Or maybe it's bad now that you are with... Junhoe.”

Hanbin swallowed. He immediately recomposed himself and frowned, pretending to be annoyed. 

    “I told you that nothing would change with this, didn't you hear? Besides, weren't we lying together in my bed this afternoon?”

Bobby smiled at him, more asleep than awake. Hanbin loved that smile like every smile Bobby gave.

He shook his thoughts before dropping onto his stomach on the side of his hyung, his face facing the door to avoid any intimate contact.

   He woke up in the middle of the night, Bobby by his side, almost on top of him. He held him by the waist and Hanbin was clinging to his arms.

Hanbin moved slowly away from him so as not to wake him and placed a pillow in the place where he had previously been. Bobby hugged it immediately, sinking his face into it.

Without making much noise, Hanbin went to the bathroom and returned. He saw his phone and Bobby's lying on the side of the bed. He decided to sit on the floor and hang out on his phone until he felt sleepy again.

When he unlocked his screen, the first thing he saw was Junhoe's insistent messages that he ignored again. Instead, he decided to answer Jaewon. He felt bad about leaving his friend hanging for so long, but what could he do if his head had been a complete mess.

 

***

22 SEP AT 01:04 AM

 

Jaewonnie ^^:

Will one day come back

he young man or is that  I'm not

anymore worth your friendship?

Hanbin: Noyoudont

Jaewonnie ^^: 

😑

days without knowing about you

and this is the first

what do i get

you know what

forget this

our friendship ends here

Hanbin: 

^^

Jaewonnie ^^: 

I hate you

Where are you?

Hanbin:

Bobbhyung

Jaewonnie ^^:

ahhh

tell me

things between you two...

the last time I saw you two

you looked like before

well, not before

but you looked united

Hanbin:

healreadyknow

Jaewonnie ^^:

wth!

how?

when?

heck, Hanbin

you're ok?

he... does he accepted your confession?

Hanbin:

healreadyknowImgay

hedontknow... I'm

withhim...

Jaewonnie ^^:

oh

how did he know?

Hanbin:

hesawwithsomeoneelse

Jaewonnie ^^:

HOW??! WITH SOMEONE ELSE!?!

Hanbin:

Hyung

IdidsomethingthatIshouldnthavedone

Idontknowwhattodonow

butitsmyfault

soIhavetoassumetheconsequences

Jaewonnie ^^:

Hanbin what did you do?

Hanbin:

Junhoe

sleptwithhim

nowweredating

Jaewonnie ^^:

Junhoe?

Junhoe like Koo Junhoe from iKON?

My God, Hanbin, you don’t even like him!

Hanbin:

Doyouthinkidontknow

butisleptwithhim

andthatfeltgood

AndIthinkmaybeeverythingwouldbebetter

butIwaswrong

***

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you read everything? Wow, thanks. Really, thanks so much. Sorry for making you suffer with this story.
> 
> neferpitouzzz you're brave that marines, really you read the eleven chapters in one night? That's torture, man! But thanks so much♥


	13. 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long time no see...
> 
> Añio, is somebody still here?
> 
> I'm so sorry for let you hanging, but I was so depressed and I needed my time to take all the little pieces of me and put them at their place.

B E S T F R I E N D S 

Thirteen

_ Where situations are clarified _

Hanbin didn't want to see Junhoe, but it was necessary to do so. They were dating, right? And there was no way to back out now that everyone knew his dirty secret. 

He bit his thumb. No, he shouldn't think that way. Junhoe was not the only one who had... ruined things.

He sighed, tired of thinking too much, tired of that his mind wouldn’t shut up and he would keep repeating the same sequence of thoughts over and over again. His head was so heavy that he felt the rest of his body couldn’t hold it.

   Knowing that Bobby didn't hate him, that he didn't feel uncomfortable beside him, was very good for him. During all those years he had always feared Bobby’s reaction more than any person in the world. Now, now he was relieved, to some extent, for letting go of a secret that had weighed so much on him. Having hidden such a great truth about himself had caused him such a level of stress, but as was normal in him, Hanbin had not stopped to meditate and observe the damage he had caused himself.

Anyway, he still felt a heavy heart for the rest of the secrets he kept trying to keep.

     Tonight he was going to meet Jaewon, sure talking to his good friend would help him free himself from another bit of burden. After all those weeks of keeping everything to himself, talking to Jaewon was going to come in handy.

_ Weeks, it's only been weeks,  _ Hanbin thought almost incredulously.  _ Our worlds change so fast.   _

    Sometimes, being aware of time caused him fear. Imagine being older, away from the stage, from the performances with his members, seeing them marry and having a family, made him feel anxious. 

What will I do when the last fan finishes leaving us? He thought, and then his heart ached because he was not prepared to give himself an answer. This was all he had: the music, the group, his songs, his fans. When all that was over, there would only be an empty shell of what he once was. 

   He shook his head trying to scare away the ghosts attempting to hunt him again and drag him into the darkest shadows of his thoughts. He didn’t have time. He needed to get up from the ground, concentrate on his tasks as a leader, and do things well. He had already broken in front of his members once and he would not let that happen again. Nevermore.

    There was a knock on the door with three solid knocks, but not too strong.

   “ _ Do you want to build a snowman?”  _ Yunhyeong sang from the other side before opening the door. 

It was impossible not to smile —even if it was minimally— before the illuminated face of his hyung. 

    “No,” Hanbin replied flatly.

Yunhyeong was not discouraged, in fact, he smiled more broadly and, dancing, moved his shoulders gracefully. Making faces he approached to Hanbin.

    “ _ Do you want to build a snowman? Come on, let's go and play!” _

Hanbin laughed and shook his head.

    “Never with you, hyung, you're very boring.” 

Yunhyeong hit him on the shoulder, pouted, and pushed him out, telling him they had to leave now.

   Hanbin was very grateful to Yunhyeong. Very much. His hyung had acted with him with all the normality of the world, true normality. He talked to him and saw him the same way as before, which meant he didn't really care if Hanbin preferred petals or pistils.  

He also appreciated that in those days he had not asked him anything about his relationship with Junhoe, nor had he made any jokes. Hanbin knew his hyung was giving time for things to fall into place little by little. 

Chanwoo was waiting for them at the exit; As soon as he saw them, he approached Hanbin and hugged him by the shoulders. He immediately started talking about his solo scenes for the MV, the choreography and many other things related to the tour in Japan. He answered the questions relieved that the maknae continued with that cheerful attitude —Hanbin knew he was resisting to make some mocking comment and for Hanbin thanked him.

    “How have you been, hyung?” Chanwoo asked when they were already on their way to the agency.

Hanbin smiled at him shortly. He really liked to feel that the other members cared for him. He knew it was his job to do it, to worry about how each of his members was doing —a job he had been doing too badly for a long time— but he treasuring every sign of appreciation they showed towards him.

   “Good,” he said immediately, because he wouldn't be able to tell Chanwoo the truth. “How are you?” He asked hoping the conversation didn't go to him.

    “Good, hyung, but how are you?” 

The maknae's eyes were wide open, waiting for a real response. From the corner of his eye, he saw that Yunhyeong was also attentive to his response.

    “Guys, everything is fine, calm down.” 

They both turned to see each other, seemed to discuss something with just their gazes. 

    “Junhoe…” Yunhyeong said. “Junhoe has been looking for you, but you seem never to be... available” he made a move with his hands as if he didn't know what word to use “and we began to wonder if all is well between you.” 

The first thing that occurred to Hanbin was to laugh, giving himself time to think about an appropriate response. 

    “We don't have to be stuck all day at all times,” he said, scratching his head. 

   “Well, it's true, just we think maybe now that we all know, maybe you would feel more comfortable... being yourself.”

    “Hyung, we're talking about Junhoe,” Hanbin said, “I can't stand listening to him all the time.”

Chanwoo and Yunhyeong laughed with his comment, but Hanbin could distinguish the doubt that was still in their eyes.

Changing the subject, Hanbin began to enumerate the failures that both had in the choreographies, warning them he hoped that both did not commit them during that rehearsal. 

   In the practice room, Hanbin took a huge breath, thundered the bones in his neck by turning it and looked at his reflection in the mirror. 

He was alone, half of his group was not yet there and Chanwoo had gone out with some staff members to take some photos of Yunhyeong for the Coffee.

Hanbin noticed the sharpness of the features on his face. Any roundness in his cheeks had been lost some time ago. From head to toe, he looked obviously thinner. His abdomen was now completely flat and his ribs were marked at his sides. The bones of his shoulders and collarbone protruded almost unhealthy. 

He shook his head, how dare he look like this in front of his beloved fans? 

_ You can't go on like this, Hanbin, even if it's hard to live for yourself, you need to strive for those who have given you everything to be here today.   _

In the mirror, reflection he glanced at the room, it was the same one they had used since their debut. At the back of his mind, he could hear the voices of his friends on that first day in that room. Not that there was too much difference between that and the one they had used as trainers, but the feeling of having known that they had become artists after so much suffering, so much fear of losing the people they loved so much, had made them look at special way to that place, to that new beginning.

Hanbin could remember with almost tacit clarity the voices, gestures and relief in the eyes of each of its members. He could feel the soft blanket of joy and satisfaction that had covered them that day and the determination to be the best version of themselves and thus stand proud in front of all those people who had supported them for so many years and for which they had the opportunity to not only to fulfil their dreams but to do it together. 

Thanks to them his group had been able to stay as a family.

And for them, it was that he was going to be strong.

    The door suddenly opened, pulling him out of his thoughts. His members entered one by one, the six were engaged in the same talk. 

Hanbin only allowed himself to take a small glance at Bobby while he was not watching him and instantly shook himself, closing his eyes enough to bring the leader Hanbin to the surface. No more broken mask or weakness.

    By the end of the rehearsal, everyone was completely exhausted, sweat totally soaking their shirts. Hanbin was satisfied with the result of that rehearsal, the best way to know that you will be good at dancing and singing at the same time on stage, was to do it out of it. Even so, during those five hours, he had realized that he needed to change his eating habits and return to the gym. Unlike his former self, he was now weak. 

He made a mental list: eat more protein, take vitamins, go to the gym, try to sleep more than four hours a day. Everything seemed simple, but it was difficult for him considering that he quickly lost his appetite and, even when he was hungry, ignored that need because he was always working on something.

He left his thoughts when he saw in the mirror Junhoe was approaching him. Hanbin wiped the sweat off his face and turned in time to receive a small smile and a bottle of water from his dongsaeng.

    “Thank you.” 

    “Let's eat?” Asked Junhoe.

Hanbin noticed that Junhoe was nervous, perhaps anticipating being rejected? Hanbin thought just about doing that, but in the end he couldn't.

    “I don't want to eat here, I don't want any restaurant either.”

    “Do we order something and eat at home?” 

Hanbin was about to say no, instant ramen would be fine, but he remembered that he had to eat healthier. 

    “I want meat and vegetables.”

Junhoe took out his phone to find the right place. Hanbin made him walk. Their members were watching them, Yunhyeong relieved, it seemed. Chanwoo smiled at him and approached them. 

    “Are you ordering something? I want. Order also for Yunhyeongah or he will get angry and cry in his room because he will believe that nobody loves him.”

     “It's hyung, Chanwooyah!” Yunhyeong growled, as he always did when the maknae called him that. “Of course, I want food too. And of course, I also want to feel that you love me.”

Everyone knew Chanwoo loved that Yunhyeong paid attention to him and that's why he bothered him whenever he had a chance.

Hanbin heard the door open and saw Jinhwan coming out with the phone attached to his ear. Despite being angry with his hyung, the feeling of sadness was bigger because he couldn't be with him like in the old days. Jinhwan had always represented great support for him. For him and for each of the members, that's why it was so incongruous that he behaved that way with Junhoe, that he making Junhoe suffered so much when it was evident that he loved him more than the rest. 

Junhoe moved closer to him, showing him what was on his phone screen.

    “Do you like that?” 

Hanbin nodded. The food looked good in the pictures.

    “Hey, let us see us too.” Yunhyeong grabbed Junhoe's arm, causing him to bang his body against Hanbin as he hit himself more against Chanwoo and the maknae against Hanbin. “I want this and for Chanwoo this.”

    “Yunhyeong hyung that has tomato…”

Yunhyeong rolled his eyes.

    “Stop being a baby, you'll eat what I tell you.”

Chanwoo pouted his mouth and crossed his arms, accidentally punching Hanbin in the ribs.

    “Oh, I'm sorry, hyung,” Chanwoo said immediately upon hearing his leader hiss. 

Hanbin felt a chill in the body right after the pain from the blow; It was Junhoe's hand that had taken him by the waist.

    “You're okay?” He asked, looking into his eyes.

Hanbin swallowed and nodded, turning his head toward the door, where he saw Bobby and Donghyuk standing, watching them. 

He felt a lump in his throat when he saw Bobby's sad look and how he still smiled at him tenderly before saying goodbye with his hand and leaving. 

Now he knew what was causing Bobby to be serious and distant while trying to be the same as always. He smiled and his eyes didn't light up, he laughed and his laugh sounded hollow; all for Hanuel. Why had she left him? To Hanbin it was an inconceivable thought. Bobby was someone cheerful and funny, kind and considerate, someone who did everything, even crazy things to make others happy —he even invited her to meetings and rehearsals to see her, even if it was once a week! But still, he had ended up hurting and believing he hadn’t been enough for Hanuel, that it was better for her to find someone who could give her what he did not. And what was it that Bobby couldn't give her? Time? She had known what she was getting into when she started dating Bobby. 

What if there was someone else? Maybe Bobby thought that because Hanuel had met someone else, someone who could be with her for the necessary time. 

His heart ached, strong and deep. Much more than his own sadness, the one Bobby felt right now hurt him more.  

    Junhoe released him from the waist to hug him by the shoulders. Hanbin came back in reality with that action. He knew he could ask the boy to let him go, but he would be cruel to him and it would surely seem strange to his members. Also, if he was already involved in this, it might be best to try to support Junhoe, whatever his dongsaeng thought was necessary. Anyway, he had nothing to lose. 

    “Yes, all right, Chanwoo is not so strong to make me cry,” he said, answering Junhoe's previous question. 

    “We know that is not true, hyung,” the maknae said, getting straighter, as Hanbin turned to see him challengingly (playing), Chanwoo added, “but I would be unable to hurt you, oh our great and beloved leader.”

The four laughed and Hanbin lost no detail of the indiscriminately mischievous look that the maknae and his hyung shared when they saw Junhoe hanging from his shoulders.

    Hanbin entered in the living room after showering. Junhoe was there with Chanwoo, both freshly bathed, watching television.

    “Hyung, since you're near the kitchen, can you bring me a can of Sprite?”

Hanbin narrowed his eyes.

    “I'm still in the hall, you're closer, Chanwoo.” The boy grimaced and stood up. “Bring me a bottle of water,” Hanbin said when the boy was already halfway there. 

Junhoe snorted, funny.

     “He had ten minutes sitting here trying to convince me to go to the kitchen.”

Hanbin dropped to the floor near the nigh table.

    “Strange that he didn't convince you, fools fall faster.”

Junhoe kicked him with his foot and Hanbin made a mock sound of disgust. Maybe behaving normally was easier when he knew there were more people around.

The bell rang and Junhoe went to receive the food. Chanwoo returned before Junhoe did and sat next to Hanbin.

    “Hanbin hyung, will you rest until tomorrow?” 

Hanbin shook his head. 

Junhoe came in and placed the food on the nightstand, making room for Chanwoo.

    “Will you go to the studio, B.I.?”

    “Yes,” he replied without turning to see Junhoe, beginning to take out the food.

Yunhyeong joined them, as always, excited to smell a good meal. 

    “Maybe you should take a break, Hanbin hyung.” 

   “Chanwooyah is right, Hanbinah, you need to sleep, relax.” Yunhyeong moved to the kitchen to bring dishes. “We should stay here, all four, watch movies and eat ice cream and sleep early,” he suggested from where he was. 

     “Oh, Yunhyeong hyung, do you want a double date? You need more than movies and ice cream to convince me,” Chanwoo said, his funny smile. 

Yunhyeong rolled his eyes, as always, the other three laughed at him. 

     “I'm sorry, guys, but I have things that can't wait.” 

Junhoe nodded, his eyes sad. 

Hanbin was about to tell him to accompany him, only to prevent his maknae from continuing with that gesture. Hanbin knew how lonely Junhoe was, but in those moments what he needed was to let off steam with someone who was not a member of his group.

     After dinner, Hanbin went to his room for his backpack to go immediately to his study. Junhoe went after him.

    “Hey, B.I., can we talk before you go?”

Hanbin put his backpack on his shoulder and smiled as honestly as he could.

    “I think we are doing that.”

Junhoe clenched his mouth, also in what looked like a smile. He slid toward him and took him by the hand, as delicately as if Hanbin was going to break.

     “I know that I have been selfish, that I have taken advantage of the fact that you love us as nobody else will love us because we are the family you chose and the one you want to see well.” Junhoe's face turned into a smile as sad as it was sincere. “You are a very good person, Hanbin. Therefore, I want to tell you that it's okay if you don't want to do this. I've been thinking about it and I've realized that I've been a jerk. If I want to fix my life, I can't do it by charging my problems to someone else. 

»I have seen you suffer for Bobby hyung for a long time and, I don't know, I think that when I saw myself reflected in you, I thought that… everything would be much easier if it was you who accepted everything I drag with me. The truth is that neither of us will be able to do it until we do not separate ourselves from what we have tied ourselves to.  

Hanbin bit his mouth. At the same time that he was grateful to hear Junhoe's words, he was amused to see how fickle humans could be.   

     “Are you sure, June? You know I'll stay by your side if that's what you need. And I know you need me.”

Junhoe took him with both hands, intertwining his fingers.

    “I like being with you, you make me feel happy, no matter how long. Your presence brings me peace and I like to know that you listen to me, but I know that is not enough. Above all, I know you deserve better because whatever I was asking you and wanting to give you, it was only halfway. Of course, I need you. You are Hanbin, everyone needs a Hanbin in their life, but only a few deserve him. Right now I am not sure of being one of them.”

Hanbin understood that that was why Junhoe had been looking for him so urgently.

    “Don't say that, June. Whatever the mistake was made, it was something we did together and you are no more guilty than me. Don't look down and don't sink into that guilt, okay? Besides, no matter what, I'll be with you,” Hanbin said, holding him with one hand so he could stroke his face. Now his body had stopped fearing of his dongsaeng. Now he felt free again. “Do you think they gonna think we are strangers for announcing that the fairy tale is over? Yunhyeong won't stop harassing us.”

     “Maybe we should... pretend? A couple of weeks, at least, something that doesn't make us look like the idiots we are” the maknae laughed, his eyes red with tears.

Hanbin knew that for now Junhoe would not cry in front of him and he knew that he couldn’t comfort him as he would like, but perhaps, for now, it was the best.

     “The only idiot here is you, but I think you're right.”

Hanbin hugged him tightly, grateful he didn't feel any shudder when he touched him. That was the heat of Junhoe, his friend, his brother. No have nothing what fear.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this was a slow chapter but one that needed to be told. Hope I didn't bore you that much. 
> 
> If you read this, thanks so much. More than two months without translate and maybe this chapter wasn't in its best >.<
> 
> Again, thanks so much


	14. 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Añio, is somebody there? 
> 
> I know, it's laaate, so sorry.
> 
> I wanted to update this on Hanbinnie's birthday, but I only was able to share A Date with the Wrong Kim Jiwon. 
> 
> Depression, a lot of work, my original story and my broken laptop made me update this till now, but, my laptop is fixed now, so maybe I just gonna need a month to update kkkk (I wish I can do it in less time, but I don't want to make a promise I'll break).
> 
> Oh, another and last thing, sorry if my English is worse than before, I've not translated in so much time :v

B E S T F R I E N D S 

Fourteen

_ Where he has a sweet birthday _

A month had passed with the speed of dawn. Life between concerts and preparations for an upcoming album sometimes didn't seem like life; Everything was exhaustive and ephemeral. Even so, there was a unique beauty within that whole.

Sometimes Hanbin felt so lonely and forgotten that not even the sea of people around him could cure the pain that ripped through his gut. 

Sometimes he felt the most loved being in the universe, even being the only one sitting in his unknown and dark hotel room.

Today was a good day: he had energy, had slept well and was writing the lyrics for a song less romantic and sad and more cheerful and full of vitality. He imagined the music style and could only visualize guitars. 

_ June will like this a lot,  _ he thought.

For Hanbin, ending that pseudo-relationship had been the best; He and Junhoe had returned to being the same as before. His stress had gone down two levels and he finally felt safe again near his dongsaeng.

He had realized that faking a relationship with Junhoe was much easier than trying to have one; Actually, even now they were closer. He and Junhoe had begun to share the room for at least three nights a week, in which they wrote songs together or separately, other times they wrote poems or read books, at other times they watched movies, Junhoe even stayed when Hanbin wanted to see some anime. 

The rest of the group thought their relationship was perfect; their affection was as normal as before, their skinship the same as always existed between the members: hugs, holding hands, stroking each other's hair.

Of course, the members never questioned not seeing them being more romantic than that and, when they both shared a room, the guys always advised them by message before going to stay with them; surely thinking that Junhoe and he would be curled up.

Even so, the same things were still wrong: they still didn’t change the song that Hanbin wanted for the comeback —and they were at a deadline for their boss to agree before the albums were made, Jinhwan kept harassing Junhoe with his not-sure-feelings, and Hanbin was still in love with Bobby. Even more in love, which should not be possible.

Bobby looked like the old Bobby whenever they were away from the stage; As soon as there were fans nearby everything changed, Hanbin still didn't understand  —not wanting to understand, why. 

Perhaps it wasn’t true that Bobby was the old Bobby, since he had broken up with Hanuel, the sparkle in his eyes had disappeared and Hanbin had caught too many times a sad and regretful look on his hyung. That hurt so much. 

Bobby used to always seem lost in his thoughts, in a distant and unattainable place. His gaze focused more on the distant horizon or the bright night sky than on his members. He had even stopped spending so much time with Donghyuk and now went out drinking alone if he went out, it was more common for him to drink in his room or sleep as long as they had available.

Hanbin knew that state from experience: Bobby was depressed. Hanuel leaving him for someone else, his family was away, and the demand to give a hundred percent in the performances was knocking him down.

If Hanbin could, he would be the column that supported him; the shoulder on which he holds to recharge his strength; the energy and happiness he needed to live.

If Hanbin could, he would be that best friend he had once been: the one who had hugged him tightly when the loneliness caused by the remoteness of his family had brought him down; the one who had encouraged him to be as he was, not to pretend to be just one more Korean child, but to keep his roots and forehead high; the one with whom he had shared glories and hardships.

If only Hanbin could.

    With Bobby in mind, Hanbin gave a twist to the song he had just begun to write. Of something just funny and cocky, he went on to talk about the need for freedom they had, how they were still kids looking for something more than they already had.

When he finished, he took a shower and then decided to go for a walk. Maybe he would buy something to eat at a nearby store.

***

ItsBabi

@ OrNah

**I know I'm stupid for acting as I do now but what else does it matter?**

**I just ran out of strength**

11:27 PM Oct 21, 2017 · Twitter for Android

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ItsBabi

@ OrNah

**Maybe one day I’ll be myself again or maybe now I’m in a comatose process preparing for my rebirth**

11:38 PM Oct 21, 2017 · Twitter for Android

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ItsBabi @ OrNah · Now

**I'll say goodbye to my feelings and silly fantasies**

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ItsBabi @ OrNah · Now

**Each night a goodbye for every look I wanted was mine**

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ItsBabi @ OrNah · Now

**then I will silence everything**

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ItsBabi @ OrNah · Now

**I’ll no longer play wanting to supplant he, I’ll refrain from trying to love, it’s risky and everything will end the same as last time**

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ItsBabi

@ OrNah

**I hope he’s giving you the happiness that I have always wanted for you**

11:45 PM Oct 21, 2017 · Twitter for Android

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ItsBabi

@ OrNah

**Among all the people in the world who were born or may be born, no one deserves to be as happy as you**

11:51 PM Oct 21, 2017 · Twitter for Android

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ItsBabi

@ OrNah

**Happy Birthday, Baby. Today I’m also praying for your eternal happiness, for you can fulfil each of your dreams, for you would always smile with sincerity.**

**Thank God for letting me be born in this age, for putting him in my way**

12:00 AM Oct 22, 2017 · Twitter for Android

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***

OCT 22 AT 12:01 AM

BOBBY:

[Happy birthday, my little chick, 

I love you so so much.

Your smile always gives me 

the strength I need 

Please, be healthy, 

please don't take a lot in your back

remember I here for you.

I'm so happy you were born

and always I'll be grateful

for stay by your side]*

Hbd, bro

*** 

 

Hanbin stood still like a statue. His eyes fixed on the message he had just received. He had forgotten it was his birthday. 

More important, his first message was from Bobby. 

They were only two three-letter words, yes, but... It was Bobby, wishing him a happy birthday when it had only been three minutes after midnight. 

He felt he was going to cry. The street was dark and lonely, there would be no problem if he did, right? However, he had promised himself no longer to be weak.

   “Hanbinnie?” 

His heart stopped. Had that been Bobby or was he already imagining things?

When he raised his head, he realized that it hadn't been a trick of his mind.

   “Bobbhyung,” he replied with an almost imperceptible stutter.

_ Is this what is known as destiny? _

Bobby carried a bag in his hand, apparently coming from the konbini. He smiled at him with his sad eyes, his gesture brightening a little, almost as if he had also thought about the wonders of coincidences. 

    “Hey, happy birthday, Hanbinnie.”

Opening his arms, Bobby walked towards him. Hanbin, red to the ears, didn’t even hesitate to meet him and let himself be wrapped in the warmth of his hyung. As always, Bobby smelled so good; even if he didn't wear perfume. Hanbin could tell that the older had taken a bath recently and that he had time outside since his neck felt cold.

    “Thank you, Bobbhyung. I didn't even remember what day it was.” 

He felt chills in his spine as he felt Bobby sink his face into his neck and stroke it with his nose. The strength he had to contain himself disappeared: he grabbed his hyung's back and hugged him with all the love he always wanted to hold him with. It was his birthday and this was the best gift.

As if Bobby could read his wishes, he embraced him with the same intensity and held him in his arms, stopping the time.

    “I hope that no matter how many years go by, you still spend your birthdays by my side. I know that the more we grow, the more life will separate us more, but, even on this day, I hope to be always with you.” 

Two tears rolled down his cheeks. They weren't full of sadness, they were made of happiness to hear those words at that precise moment, on a day he sometimes forgot it was so special.

    “Bobbhyung” murmured Hanbin, trying to say everything he wanted to say, at the same time as forcing himself to control his tongue. “Please stay always with me.” 

 

    After a long time, when they finally stopped embracing each other, Bobby exclaimed in fright, looking at the bag he was carrying.   

    “Oh shit, your cake, Hanbinnie. I already ruined it.”

Hanbin's gesture was filled with tenderness when he saw the concern in Bobby's gaze. He was checking a small white box.

    “Tell me it's tiramisú.”

    “You know it is,” said Bobby. “Well, it was.”

When they opened the small box, they both saw that it wasn’t completely ruined. Bobby was still annoyed with himself, but Hanbin continued to feel happier and happier.

    “It's perfect, hyung, don't worry. Thank you. Where did you get it?” 

Bobby handed Hanbin the box with the tiramisu and put his hand inside the bag. He took out a box with candles and placed one on the cake.

   “Come,” he took Hanbin by the hand and led him to a nearby bench, where he made him sit. “I was supposed to leave it outside your room, but since you're here, let's do this together.”

Bobby took out a lighter and lit the candle, immediately began to sing the Happy birthday song.

    “Wish something before it goes out!” He asked excitedly, smiling like the Bobby from years ago.

Hanbin closed his eyes.

_ I wish that every year, forever, you will be by my side, being happy. _

He blew and the candle went out so as not to light again.     

When Hanbin looked up at Bobby, who was in front of him, he could almost swear that he was looking at him with the same love Hanbin felt for him.

   “Hanbinnie, your wishes will come true. You know why? Because no one works as hard as you.”

Again, Hanbin's face burned.

   “Bobbhyung…”

Bobby took out another box, this one with sparklers. He gave one to Hanbin and took one for him.

   “Come, let's light your way,” he said as he reached out his hand to help him to stand up.

With a giant smile, Hanbin took Bobby’s hand. His heart burning for holding him all the way, intertwining his fingers and, perhaps, receiving a kiss. Still, with a sincere smile on his face, he rebuked himself for that desire.

    “My cake, hyung.”

    “Easy, you'll eat it at home. I mean, at the hotel.”

Hanbin laughed. 

    “We live a lot of our lives in hotels that you already consider them your home.”

Bobby lit his sparkle and joined it to Hanbin's to light it up too.

    “Wherever you are, it will be my home.”

His smile was small, but his face lit up so much, that Hanbin felt he was the most loved and fortunate being in the world. If only that night could last forever.  

     Upon arriving at his hotel room, the sparklers were over, as was the cake. Bobby walked him to his room.

   “You always have to spend your birthday giving concerts, a blessing and a curse.”

Hanbin shrugged.

   “Although I miss my family, I’m happy to be by your side, to be doing what we do.”  

    “As long as you're happy, I’m too.”    


Bobby leaned slightly over Hanbin, he was with one hand on the door handle, he had already opened it, but he was still unwilling to enter.

The two looked into each other's eyes, Hanbin feeling that, like him, Bobby didn't want to say goodbye.

   “I wrote a song,” Hanbin said, hiding that his voice had startled him amid that silence. “Do you want to read the lyrics?”

Bobby nodded with his bunny smile.

As soon as Hanbin opened the door, the candle lights and the lively shout of his friends received him. He leaned back, surprised, hitting Bobby's hard chest.

    “Hyung, hyung blows the candle,” Chanwoo said cheerfully, he and Yunhyeong held the cake.

This time, Hanbin make a wish for his group, he wanted they can be able to be together for many years, even after they stopped being artists; also he wished the happy days were more than the sad.

As he approached to bite the cake, Chanwoo and Yunhyeong pushed it against his face. Bobby and Junhoe approached at the same time to help him clean himself. In the end, Bobby just ran his finger over Hanbin's face, removing some bitumen and brought it to his mouth, then he just walked away and let Junhoe help him.

It was as if a rope broke. At one moment they had been together, breathing the same air and sharing the same space, the next moment Hanbin saw again a sea in between them.

Bobby sat away, still paying attention and laughing with them, but Hanbin felt that it was no longer the same. However, just for today, he decided not to make a cave of sadness in his heart, but to treasure the gift of having been with Bobby and now being able to be with each of his members. 

He was so lucky, on days like this he was aware of that. 

***

ItsBabi

@ OrNah

**Your smile is too bright to want to forget everything I feel for you**

01:27 AM Oct 22, 2017 · Twitter for Android

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you read it, thanks so much. Maybe you want to tell me what are you thinking about the story. No? It's okay, don't worry, I'm still grateful.
> 
> Oh, yeah, next chapter is Bobby's special^^


	15. 15 —special chapter—

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Añio!
> 
> Long time no see —again. 
> 
> How are you? Six months later and we still here, waiting for him, right?
> 
> Sorry for the late update. Oh, and please, don't hate Bobby. 
> 
> (And don't hate me for my bad skill at English, please :c )

  B E S T F R I E N D S 

Fifteen

_ Where the end tastes like the past _

Squatting on the stage in the middle of the performance, seeing Hanbin smiling at Junhoe, Bobby felt two things: happiness to see him smile that way, and pain to know that they could never return to the past, where similar smiles had been caused by him.

His heart was divided equally, yet he smiled; Hanbin's happiness was more important than his own affliction.

    Years ago, he and Hanbin had been like magnets on stage, sharing an intimacy beyond the reach of the rest of the members, something only their. Bobby had never expressed it out loud, but he had loved feeling special. 

He and Hanbin had been like a coin, sharing a whole, but retaining each his own identity. 

He and Hanbin had been the extension of the other. They had been more than soulmates. 

But not in  _ that way _ .

Bobby had fallen in love.

And that had been his mistake because for love he had lost his friendship.

    He raised his hand, directing it to Hanbin. If only he could reach him. If only they could be the same as before. If only... He dropped his hand, his gaze also directed to the ground; the echo of ghostly music in his ears. 

He clenched his fist. If only he could love someone else. 

He remained in the same position for minutes, forgetting where he was and the role he was supposed to play. 

He was the first to disappear behind the scenes. The first to get on the van and get off it. The first to lock himself in his room so as not to leave until the sun and the strong knocks against the door made him wake up.

    “Hyung, do you want to go to breakfast?” Asked Dong in the waiting room. Today they would have two performances; The rehearsal would begin in an hour. “I didn't see you eat yesterday.”

Bobby was staring at the white wall on the other side. He remembered sitting in that same place long ago, Hanbin in front of him with a giant smile (which, by mistake, he had assumed would be eternal). A toy hammer and a cushion had been enough for laughter to burst and for warmth to covering his heart. 

    “Hyung?” Dong asked again, in his voice showing more concern. 

Bobby denied with a slight movement of his chin. He got up and left the room without saying something. 

Each hall, door and window contained ghosts of his life, of the happiest moments, of the most strident laughter and the tightest hugs. It had been a long, long time since those days had wrapped him in a blanket of supposed sempiternal security.

Now, more than ever, he understood that ‘nothing lasts forever.’ 

He brushed his fingers along the walls, lost so deeply in his memories that he was able to smell aromas of the past again, to hear voices in conversations that had echoed in the corridors of his memory; He could even feel the warmth of the body that had always been at his side before.

Away from the mundane noise, he dropped to the floor, sliding down the wall. Today it would be too difficult to put a smile for the audience; Too difficult to act as if singing on stage would still bring him solace.         

That dream he had had since he was just a child, a boy who had seen the little Indian boy from his home in a distant and strange America, that dream should be what he would cling to when everything hurt inside, however, now it was not enough. 

What if it never was again?

That day he smiled more, jumped more and danced more; as if it were the first and last day, because nothing lasts forever and he did not know when the end would be. 

    As cold and rainy as inside his heart, the landscape of that night in Japan was depressing, lonely and dark. 

His home felt too far away. Bobby wanted more than ever to be near his family, hug his mother and listen to his father's stories. If he could be at home now, he would eat a delicious and hot dinner, his parents' love would wrap him up and, in the safety of his bed, he would cry all the pain that drowned him like a thick black viscous mass.

He ran his thumb and forefinger through his eyes, wiping away the tears that had soon been lost in the rain. He was cold, he wanted so much to return to the hotel, take a hot bath and wrap himself under the sheets, like staying there, feeling precise cuts where the raindrops hit. 

An hour later, upon arriving at the hotel, he saw Hanbin standing in front of his room door. Bobby knew him enough to know that he was hesitating between knock or not. 

The boy noticed his presence, frightened, he jumped back a little. When he recognized him, he smiled shyly, then ran the two steps necessary to reach him, apparently worried about seeing him soaked. Bobby was glad to still cause such reactions in Hanbin, the problem was that he now doubted: was it the reaction of a friend or group leader?

Bobby didn't want to doubt, but sometimes he couldn't help it. 

    “Bobbhyung, why are you all wet?”

He shrugged, with the most relaxed smile he could give Hanbin. He didn't want him to worry about him.

(Sometimes it was all he wanted.)

    “It's raining,” he replied in a playful tone of obviousness. 

Hanbin pouted, Bobby's eyes gleamed at the gesture.

    “Come on, hyung, open that door now.” Hanbin hurried him, taking him by the wrist. “You need to bathe before you get sick. Sometimes you are like a child, you know?”

Bobby shrugged again.

    “We all are, Bin.” 

Hanbin pushed him until they were both inside.

    “I wanted to show you a song I wrote that speaks just about that. But first things first.”

Without wasting time, Bobby began to undress. He was so wet that he soaked the carpet on his way to the bathroom. It was until he was inside that he began to feel how the cold made its journey from his skin to his bones, including his organs. 

Chills went up and down from head to toe, he immediately shuddered. The hot water helped while showering, but when he came out and wrapped the towel around his hips, he felt his body icing again. 

Hanbin was lying on his bed, hugging a pillow. Bobby couldn't help remembering the era in which they spent time alone, together —he could also avoid reprimanding himself for not letting go of the past. 

He looked for clothes in his suitcase and dressed right there. Sometimes, as at that time, he imagined that Hanbin saw him, that he saw him differently; As now, he also rebuked himself for such thoughts. Worse was when it was Hanbin who dressed and undressed in front of him: his mind was filled with skin and muscles and angles that led him to think of hot nights, sweat, groans and moans. And then, he felt the worst person in the world, a depraved man who betrayed his best friend —and the girls he had dated.

   “Bobbhyung?” 

He jumped a little when he heard the voice he loved most. He took a deep breath and turned. Hanbin was so beautiful. he loved that big dark and bright eyes. For a second, just a second, he allowed himself to imagine that the brightness of that look shouted the same feelings that burned his chest. For that second he felt complete. 

Holding his smile, he sat beside Hanbin on the bed. The cold had not stopped, but the warmth radiating from the boy's body made him feel better.

    “Bobbhyung, why were you outside with this rain?”

Although he continued smiling, Bobby swallowed. If he could, he would tell Hanbin his feelings, he would tell him about that first day that he had realized that he loved him —during a practice, with fourteen years; Hanbin had shone brighter than the sun and had smiled so huge, that the world seemed to begin to live thanks to him; Bobby knew in those moments that Hanbin was the only thing he wanted to see for the rest of his life.    

    “I like the rain.”

Hanbin sat on his legs, looking straight at him. Although he wanted to, Bobby didn’t turn to look at him; at that moment his strength was on the ground: if he saw the eyes he loved so much, he would end up doing some nonsense that would cost him all of the little that was left of both of them.

   “Bobbhyung, I know you've been aching a lot since you and Hanuel… But I don't like seeing you like that. You have always been my support, can't you rely on me?”

Although Bobby loved how those words sounded warm and sincere, he couldn't believe them. He had not been the support Hanbin had needed, if it had been that way, if he had proven himself to be more reliable, Hanbin would have believed enough in him to tell him about what so much fear had caused him; instead, hiding his sexuality had crumbled him inside and the chaos of anxiety that had caused on him was still present in Hanbin.

    “I'm fine, don’t worry. Hanuel... She didn't leave me as hurt as I surely left her.”

Hanbin took his wrist in a movement so fast that it was more a blow than anything else.

   “Hyung, she must have understood you. She knew your work, that you couldn't always be together, that it was inevitable that you were separated. I would never do something like that to you... I mean, I would never do something like that.”

For an instant, Bobby's heart fluttered like a bird that rises in a rampant flight, but in the end, it crashed to the ground, broken and hopeless.  

   “Junhoe is the luckiest man; You are a great person and he can proudly declare that who you love is him, that you have chosen him.” He bit his lip before saying, “Maybe someday I can find someone like you.”

He smiled bitterly without being too conscious. He let go of Hanbin's grip arm and dropped back on the mattress, placing that same arm over his eyes. The tears overflowed without anything he could do to stop them. His chest rose and fell and a painful sob escaped his throat.

    “Bobbhyung,” Hanbin murmured, frightened.

Bobby heard the bed creak with Hanbin's weight as he moved; the next moment he felt him by his side, hugging him tightly by the shoulders. 

Bobby took a deep breath, he loved Hanbin's scent, and because he loved it so much, he cried more. Bobby knew that scent well, but now Hanbin not only smelled like himself but also like Junhoe. 

He turned so he could hug Hanbin by the waist, pulling everything physically possible to his body. He put his face against his neck and breathed in once more, relieved that Hanbin's scent was stronger than Junhoe's.

Hanbin rubbed his back and stroked his hair; Bobby could feel the force with which the boy's heartbeat. Surely he was scared that Bobby was breaking down in front of him.

    “I just want to go back, go home,” Bobby murmured hoarsely.

Hanbin squeezed him tighter.

    “Soon, Bobbhyung, we will go home soon.”

   His eyes were swollen and his body was empty. Today he didn't want to performance, today he couldn't pay his fans for everything they did for them, for that unconditional love.

    He went on stage. He tried to enjoy every second. He smiled whenever he could  —although more were the times he had to try, at times he felt happiness. 

It was impossible to avoid his serious and decayed gesture; He had never been a good actor.

He looked at his fans and tried to keep in his mind every face and gesture, he wanted to remember them even when the years come and try to snatch his memories.

    The room was dark. Not a single ray of light. It was his day off, but Bobby felt so tired that he had spent most of the day sleeping. Since he had woken up, his mind had run in circles on the same memory:

He and Mino had begun to spend more time together thanks to the subunit that their boss had announced. They had always been great friends, but this had united them more. However, Bobby missed Hanbin and Mino had been quick to notice. He used to laugh at him, but Bobby cared little. He had long thought about telling his friend about his situation, he wanted advice and he knew that Mino wouldn't judge him. That was why that day he decided to start preparing the ground. 

   “Hyung, if you fell in love with a member of your group, who do you think you would fall in love with and why?”

Mino finished yawning and looked at him with a raised eyebrow.

    “Have you been on twitter lately?”   

Bobby denied.

    “What does that have to do with my question?” 

    “You sounded like a fan. Wait, did you finally realize that you are in love with Hanbin and are planning to make your fans dream come true?” Mino's smile revealed that he didn't mean what he said.

Bobby smiled, ready to reveal that he was more right than he could imagine. Hanbin entered the studio, stopping his confession.

    “Hey, Bobbhyung, you got late again. The rehearsal started an hour ago.”  

Although Hanbin had his TigerBin look, he scolded him by pouting. Bobby felt special again, that little hope of being reciprocated beating inside.

    “My fault, Hanbinnie, I save changes and we leave,” he said with a huge rabbit smile, making Hanbin relax his eyes.

     “Hanbin ssi, do you think you could fall in love with Bobby?” Asked Mino.

Bobby felt his chest shrink, crushing his heart. He swallowed and looked at the boy he loved.

Hanbin frowned, not angry, rather disgusted with the idea.

    “And you ask for...?” 

    “Bobby asked me if I would fall in love with one of my members, I want to know if you could.”

Hanbin shrugged, downplaying the matter.

    “That idea is quite disgusting as if you were asking me if I can fall in love with my little sister. Let's leave the ships for the fans, Mino hyung. Are you done, Bobby hyung? I'm going to get ahead, if I leave those boys alone too long, they will fall asleep.”

Bobby watched Hanbin leave the room so steadily that he didn't blink —if he did, the tears that burned behind his eyes would shed in front of Mino. 

    “You should hurry up, man,” said his friend, his words dying slowly. “Don't tell me it's true. It is.”

Bobby ducked his head, looking into his lap. Rather than being ashamed of being discovered, he was ashamed for being seen being rejected without first trying something.

Mino's hand landed on his shoulder and squeezed. 

    “Since we were trainers, I had noticed that you were looking at him different. Maybe you should get away from him a little, I'm not the only one who realizes how you feel. The fans talk a lot and if one day Hanbin finally pays attention, things could become very uncomfortable among you. You don't want to lose your best friend, right?”

Bobby shook his head.

    “All less that.”

Mino patted him.

    “Then control yourself, man. The most invented rumours are about Hanbin, just because he likes to stick to you like a puppy. You know he has had a bad time since WIN, I don't think it's good that he constantly sees homophobic messages just for how good your relationship is. It will be worse if you continue to behave the way you do.”

Bobby nodded, put away his things and said goodbye without words. 

   He remembered reading hundreds of comments in which they insulted them both; Hanbin's had always been the worst. Bobby still didn't understand how there might have been people who could hate someone as good as Hanbin to such an extent.

Remembering those cruel comments made his headache, his chest swollen from the ache of imagining everything Hanbin had endured on his own: doubts, fear, anxiety, pain. His best friend had felt misunderstood, he had lived thinking that he would be judged by his friends and that, within all of them, Bobby would be the one who would hate him the most. That made him so sad. Of course, he knew that he had done things wrong, taking an extreme turn to what they used to be and crying out in disgust for something that had never bothered him before, but... He loved Hanbin so much, he could never hate him. Every night he prayed for his happiness, for his well-being, how could he hate him?

He hugged the pillow, closed his eyes and concentrated on happy memories, hoping to dream of the boy's face that brightened and darkened his days with a single gesture.               

    “Bobby, you are not allowed to continue like this,” Jinhwan said. He was angry.

    “I have no encouragement for your sermons, hyung.”

Jinhwan climbed onto the bed and kicked him hard on his side, causing him to fall to the floor. Bobby gasped.

    “You don't have the encouragement to even bathe,” the older growled. “What you have to do is stop your nonsense. You aren’t with the person you want? And what? Do you think you are the only broken heart in the world? You can't cry for something you never fought for, so get your dirty ass out of there, bathe and get off in fifteen minutes, we have to go to the airport.”

The older walked above Bobby’s back, causing him to release all the air. He was about to say something, but Jinhwan came forward:

    “And I want a perfect smile on that face, one more fan to make you worry and it will cost you dearly.”

Bobby didn't need to see Jinhwan to know the kind of stare he shot.

He stayed on the ground for a couple of minutes, thinking. It would be nice to have time for him, to go to the States and visit his family. He would also like to go to Hawaii. Getting away from Hanbin and the stages were what he needed to overcome, to be able to let go. 

If he broke a leg and an arm in the middle of a concert, would they let him go home to rest? He imagined falling from the stage; It didn't seem so bad, except for the fact that Hanbin was stressed by the comeback and that would make him more stressed.    

   “Donghyukie, can I sit with Bobbhyung today?” 

He and Dong immediately turned to see Hanbin. 

    “Of course, hyung,” Dong replied. Bobby didn't need to see him to know he was smiling. 

Trying not to be obvious, Bobby looked for Junhoe with his eyes: he was with Jinhwan. He didn't like it when his hyung was behaving in the way with Junhoe. It was a bit weird before, knowing that Jinhwan was dating Yejin, but now it was annoying because Junhoe was dating Hanbin and Bobby didn't want anything to interfere in their relationship; Hanbin had already suffered too much.

    “Hyung, take these days free, okay? Go home and enjoy your family. The others will also take a few days off.” 

Bobby raised his eyebrows, surprised and scared at the same time. Although he had been thinking about that, he didn't want to get away from Hanbin now.

    “But we have rehearsals and the comeback and…”

    “It’s okay, they will only be a few days. We are exhausted, physically and mentally.”

    “But I don't think they give us permission.”

Hanbin hit him on the shoulder.

    “What are you saying? I already gave it to us.”

He smiled, realizing that Hanbin still loved him as a true friend.

    “Thank you, Hanbinnie.” 

He closed his eyes and pretended to sleep, his head leaning on the boy's shoulder beside him. 

    He watched television with his mother. He felt better, his head clear of that cloud of sadness and pain. His mother's hug was warm and healed him in a unique way that only she could.

He missed Hanbin, but he worked on not thinking about him. When he’ll saw him again, he wanted to see him as his friend, not as the person he loved with his whole being. Three days away would not work miracles, but where there’s a will there's a way.

  “Baby, your heart seems increasingly broken,” his mother said when they were saying goodbye. “Please try to be happy. I know it's hard when you're so hurt, but please try.” 

Bobby closed his eyes, sinking his face into his mother's hand on his cheek.

    “I promise,  _ omma  _ .”    

    “Take care of Hanbinnie, he needs you as much as you do.”

Bobby's heart hurt so much, if only her mother knew. 

    “Always,  _ omma  _ .”

He received one last hug and one last kiss before returning to his daily life.

     “How are you, hyung?”

As soon as their eyes met, Bobby regretted having gone away from Hanbin. The boy had dark circles and, although it shouldn't be possible, he had lost weight again.

    “ _ Omma  _ sends you kisses and hugs. Also food, so let's fill out  that skinny body of yours.”

Hanbin smiled shortly, he looked tired.

    “That makes me very happy, but how are you?”

Bobby inhaled deeply before answering.

    “Better thanks to you always thinking of us. Now let me take care of you. Where is that idiot of Junhoe? He should take care of you, that you sleep and eat well.” 

He realized later that he had spoken badly about his dongsaeng. 

    “June isn’t my mother, hyung, he doesn't have to do any of that.” 

Bobby dragged him to the table, shrugging and still looking for Junhoe with his eyes.

   “Isn't he here yet?”

Hanbin shook his head, looking eagerly at the bag full of containers that Bobby had placed on the table. 

With an arched eyebrow, Bobby sought an answer to Hanbin being alone in his apartment.

   “I thought you would arrive later... I just wanted to take a nap, but my bed felt uncomfortable,” Hanbin confessed, his cheeks and ears red.

Bobby's stomach churned at the thought that Hanbin had missed Junhoe so much that he had come to his room to wait for him. 

He threw that feeling away, but the waste was scattered over him. 

    “Woah, with how dirty Junhoe's room is, I wouldn't have thought you could be comfortable there.”

He bit his tongue, again he had spoken badly of his dongsaeng. That was not the type of person he used to be. 

Hanbin writhed on his chair, his blush expanding toward his neck.     

    “I hope it doesn't bother you, but... Isleptinyourroombecauseyourbedisvery comfortable.” He bit his lip and ducked his head. “I'm sorry, hyung, I should have asked you permission.” 

Inside, a knot was undone. Bobby stroke his hair, a genuine smile on his face. 

    “Hey, you don't need to ask permission. Everything mine is yours, you can take whatever you want.” He went to the cupboard and took plates and cutlery, although he had already had breakfast, he wanted to eat with Hanbin. “Do you remember when we shared a room? You and I rarely fight for taking each other's things or use one or another bed.”

Hanbin smiled broadly. Bobby placed the plates on the table. 

    “With you, it has always been very easy, Bobbhyung.”

    “Not everything,” he said without thinking. 

He was aware of how Hanbin tensed. Although he repented, he preferred to continue.

    “I know it was hard for you to carry all that alone. I'm sorry I did whatever I did to lose your trust and make you fear me, but, Hanbin, please, always remember that you are my family and whatever happens, I love you with all the love I can offer, okay?”

Hanbin's eyes filled with tears that he didn't drop. He nodded fervently.

    “I'm sorry for hiding it.” 

Bobby shrugged.

    “I understand, we all have secrets that we can't let go.”

The look in Hanbin's eyes made him take a step closer. He was about to raise his arms to hug him when the door opened. Junhoe's voice pushed him back to his place.

Junhoe was not coming alone, Jinhwan was hanging on him, hugging him on one side and... seeing him as if there was a no more important person in this life for him. As soon as the older realized that they weren’t alone, he restored his gaze; but Bobby had already discovered his secret.     

    “Hey, B.I., you're here,” Junhoe said, releasing Jinhwan's hug to go to Hanbin's side. 

For a moment, Bobby thought about not stepping aside. In the end, he smiled at Hanbin, by way of farewell, and went to his room. To Jinhwan, with a look, made him understand that they would soon have to talk.

    Alone in his room, he dropped into his bed and hugged the pillow that Hanbin had previously been hugging. He smelled both of them, without any aroma obstructing the mixture of the two.

***

ItsBabi

@OrNah

**I still love you today. Tomorrow will remain the same, but maybe one day, some distant day, I can see you in the same way you look at me.**

09:13 PM Nov 13, 2017 · Twitter for Android

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, what do you think about it? It's a mess? Do you hate Bobby? No, why?!
> 
> Hope you like it a bit.
> 
> Ps. An apologized for this part: "Bobby ducked his head, looking into his lap. Rather than being ashamed of being discovered, he was ashamed for being seen being rejected without first trying something." I tried, but I couldn't think in a correct way to translated it >.<' In Spanish is: "Bobby agachó la cabeza, viendo hacia su regazo. Más que estar avergonzado de ser descubierto, lo estaba por haber sido visto siendo rechazado sin antes poder intentar algo".  
> So, now you know I translate... not in a perfect way, teehee^^

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This is my second fic/au ♥ I'm excited but maybe nobody will be read but if someone read it I want to grateful you for do it^^  
> This will be a long au with short chapters (2,5k to 4,5k words) (I haven't planned the number of).  
> I posted the chapters first in twitter (without smut) here is complete —but in the first ch. there isn't smut kkkk.  
> Oh, very important, for now the story isn't edit but Cheeky said she'll correct my grammar (sorry for be a bother again >.<')  
> Thank you again and don't forget stream our boys songs and mvs :D


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